[ThePainNeverDies]

My ex fiance and I had an argument and fight last night and I'm totally stuck for what to do about it. I probably should've called the police as soon as it happened but because I was in a state, having a panic attack, I couldn't. So here it is..

Firstly, I started off talking to him calmly when he waltzed in at 1.30 am. He said 'you're up late' even though I'd sent him a text at 11pm saying I'd wait up til he got here so he didn't wake me up and make my migraine worse, but not to be too late. So when he said I was up late, I came back with 'I TOLD you I was waiting up for you. I was about to bolt the door because you didn't even let me know you were on your way over so I assumed, considering you've had ALL day to come over, that you'd decided not to.' So he went on to say how he'd done it to avoid me because he didn't want the confrontation that I was giving him now. So I said if he had come earlier, I was in a perfectly good mood, perfectly happy for him to come in, get stuff, go out. BUT because he left me waiting, with a migraine, feeling ill and tired, I was less than happy with him coming to get his stuff. I asked what was more important than getting his stuff, he said he'd been playing games with a friend. So I asked why on Earth he'd been such a selfish pr*ck as to prioritise THAT over me, his stuff and his avoidance of an argument. So he got angry when I said did he not see that it made sense, and when I said to put himself in my shoes, what if I'd done that to him when he was ill? He said that he'd have calmly let me in, let me get my stuff and go. I came back with oh really, when you're ill with a migraine, don't trust the person coming into the place and absolutely shattered because that same person disrespected and totally disregarded you last night, causing you to have a panic attack.

He's done self defence classes and things like Judo and Tae Kwon Do so he managed to grab me quicker than I could stop him. Luckily I did stop him in time because he had clenched fists and I think he'd have had my face had I not stopped him when I did. He wouldn't answer my question wit a simple yes or no, he kept brushing me off so I asked him just to please answer me. He told me to move. I didn't budge. I said all he had to do was ask. So he said move, woman. Now I get that I should have moved because it would have avoided all of this, but he wasn't answering my question, I just wanted to resolve the argument and be done with it. So I didn't move and I said to him that I wanted to resolve it first. So he shouted move. I didn't move, and twice he came to my face after grabbing me and said "Move out of my way, WOMAN!!!" So when he grabbed me, I said not to dare calling me woman, I am not his woman and to let go of me and answer the question. He didn't answer and instead, pushed me into the next doorway, where I went backward and gripped onto the door frame. He then proceeded to put his leg around mine, tuck his foot behind mine to trip me backwards. Somehow, I stayed upright and pushed really hard to hold myself up and he bolted out of the flat because he knew he'd lost the fight and would have had to have jumped on me to make me move. He's now blaming me..

Secondly, there are bolts on the door which I have never ever used before but as soon as he left, I put them across and crumbled into a panic attack just as I rang a friend to tell him what had happened. Everyone's saying to go to the police because I found a bruise on my thigh this morning where he must've pushed me into the door frame or something, I don't know. But they all want me to go yet I'm umming and ahhing because I think I'll get the blame for not moving when he told me to.

I actually was the one who kept calm and just spoke to him about it. He was the one who got riled up and had a go, saying this is exactly why he didn't come earlier, because he knew I'd start whinging at him. Well yeah.. Understandably. He came at 1.30am ffs when I'd wanted to go to bed at 11 with a raging migraine! I'd been inviting him all day to come collect his stuff. He'd had all day but instead chose to go and play games with a friend and not get here until 1.30 AFTER I told him at 11ish that I was going to wait up until he got there because he'd wake me up coming in otherwise and make my migraine worse.

The only thing I said to him that obviously pissed him off was did he not think that by coming earlier when I was in a good mood and happy to leave him to sort his stuff out, he'd have avoided confrontation then? Did he not think that I'd have happily left him to it instead of leaving it so late and being so selfish and inconsiderate knowing I've had this migraine for 3 weeks? Ok, I asked why he's being such a selfish pr**k and obviously that pissed him off but it's no excuse... But I do feel like that would go against me. And me standing in the doorway not letting him past until he answered my question. But by that point, he was shouting at me already and by being rude to me there was no way in hell i was moving. I spoke calmly again and said all he had to do was ask. But he didn't, he just demanded.

I guess the part that makes it harder for me is that I've got the marks to prove it. I have the nail digs on my wrist, I have the bruise on my thigh but I still feel like I'll get the blame for provoking him by not moving out of the way. He's done this before. Not so bad, but he's backed me up against his car, clenched his fists and yelled in my face. I should've known then to leave. Funny thing is, my ex before him, hit a wall by my head one day to threaten me. I let it slide thinking it was a one off, then months later he strangled me and still I let it slip, apart from breaking up with him. I don't want David to get away with it but at the same time I've no idea what to do because i don't want to get him into trouble. But this is the second time in 6 months that he's physically frightened me.. And hurt me.

I really don't know what to do. His reply when I said I was afraid was, I quote:
"You wouldn't let me leave the flat with my stuff... I just wanted to be in and out.. I'm sorry if I hurt you.. I doubt there are burn marks."

.....There were definite burn marks that took two hours to go down. I just wish I hadn't had a panic attack and that I'd called the police as soon as he'd left. I really don't know what to do now

Sorry for the ramble <mixed up> xx

[WePow]

You deserve to be happy and not at risk. You deserve a life better than what you are getting in his company.

All I can say is that I was leaving a roommate situation back in the early 90's ... My roommate and her girlfriend attempted to gang up on me ... I told them we could do the evacuation with or without the police ... That backed them off in a hurry and I was able to get my things out without a physical confrontation ...

If this person has to come back for more personal belongings my advice is to let them know the police will be there to monitor the situation then YES call the police and request their presence and tell them why ...

I'd also set the date and time for them to come get their stuff - none of this middle of the night crap (how convenient for them to abuse you!) - and let it be a one time deal or all their crap goes out to the curb and they can get it there ...

Also have the police issue them a trespass notification that if they come back on the property after that specified date and time it will mean an automatic arrest for them ...

We don't have to be helpless victims of mean azzed bullies and the best way to put them in their place is to show them that we aren't taking anymore of their @#$%! ...

Good Luck & Best Wishes!

Sincerely,
BrokenCloud

[Sannah]

Hi TPND, you were demanding that he answer your question. He doesn't have to answer your question if he doesn't want to. Yes, you shouldn't have blocked his way.

[Perna]

What do you want? If you want him to come, get his stuff and leave, why pick a fight? So he's disrespectful and not a good user of words, if you know this, "pushing" him with your words, taunting him in a sense, is not a good idea? He's not suddenly going to become respectful of you, you can't "make" him be respectful. Getting him out of your life as quickly as possible sounds like a good plan!

What do you want now? The previous is over. He left. There's nothing to be "done" about it now. Does he have his stuff, is he out? If not, next time he comes, don't say much of anything, have his stuff boxed and ready (?) and stay out of his way and let him just do what he comes to do?

If you said to him, be here by 10:00 and he wasn't there by about 10:30, why did you not bolt the door if you didn't feel well and did not want to be disturbed? Why "threaten" someone with what you could-have-done? Do or do not, there is not "could-have". You could have taken his stuff and thrown it out the window too Say what you mean and mean what you say. If you decided to wait up until he came; that was up to you so take it the whole way; if you decided to wait up, you are up and he came when he came. There should be no argument there because you decided to wait for him so why wait with a chip on your shoulder? If the "deadline" goes by without him, he has "spoken", made clear what he thinks and what he is going to do. Take care of yourself.

[Hopeless Heart]

There are inconsitances in your story

"he managed to grab me quicker than I could stop him. Luckily I did stop him in time because he had clenched fists"

Was he going to hit you? If he was going to hit why did he grab you? If he grabbed you how did he have clenched fists? I would imagine that he thought you were going to hit him so he grabbed you in self defence..

As already said by Perna.. why push his buttons to get an arguement. If as you have admited "he didn't want the confrontation" how did this turn into a confrontation? It appears to me that this situation blew out of proportion by your desire to get answers. If he didnt want to talk, you should have respected that. It's common manners to respect someones silence. You cant force people to talk if they dont want to. It becomes bullying if you do.

I'd suggest you , make arrangements for him to get any remaining property at the address and cut contact with him.

Hopeless Heart

Re: Really Needing some Advice... ***Trigger***

I have erased this twice,but still felt I needed to just post it.

Let me preface my post by saying that I am sure you are wonderful in many ways....BUT here...you have erred,and it'd be plain wrong for this guy to be arrested for being overwhelmed while being yelled at,cornered,berated.So I am not addressing who you are in totality,but,this situation in particular.Who GOT him 'riled' ? You refused to unblock his path,called him a selfish prick,expect him to be a mind reader as to picking a time >based on your mood< to remove his things.Implying this punishment (being yelled at and blocked and called names) would not have happened,had he done it your way,or when you thought he SHOULD have.What he "prioritized" was obviously his safety,and the timing of his dealings with a charged situation.You say you were "shattered" because you were "disregarded".No,you were pissed for it.Not shattered.Then you cite his history of "training in self-defense",as though it makes him a bully.He is not your child,and you aren't 'entitled' to get an answer to your question.He clearly revealed that this is the very reason he hadn't come earlier....though,he owes no explanation.You say there was "no way in hell" you were "going to move".Uh,maybe that occurred to him? That's why he,without good judgement due to rising frustration,lost control of the situation.You want him to "ask" you to move from his only path away from you but,it has to be done >how you want< further heating and humiliating him….you were the one in control and you liked it.You say "I've got the marks to prove it".Well wow.You honestly think yourself a victim here,and him the bully ? You also reveal that there is a history of this in your dealings with men,and still can't figure why it is.You say you don't want him to get in trouble,but then say,"I have the marks to prove it" to imply that you will get him in trouble.You DID provoke him,You WOULDN'T let him leave,You called him names.But,yet,you want to be called a victim?You need to check yourself.There are far too many men in jail,who,after being human in a situation like this,end up with a record,and the inability to get a job.I have 3 sons,and if they ended up in jail for what you have provoked,I would sell everything I own to take you to court and sue you 15 different ways if my son was accused of battery or something along those lines.People have THE RIGHT to walk away from conflict.If you corner any other animal on the planet,you get similar but more raw reactions.So before you go crucifying him and the guy before and the next guy,take a look in the mirror.Get some therapy and heal yourself.You are no victim,at least not in this situation.I could have candy coated my reply,but,it wouldn't serve your best interest.Because if I deliver that rather than a wake-up call,then it would be repeated as before.And one day you may interact similarly,but,actually suffer the repercussions of your provokation.I think you need to look at this in a different light,and try to address why the dynamics pop up repeatedly in relationships.I think you are a good person with skewed ability to assess your inter-relations with others.But,the only way to change something is to acknowledge it.I also am not saying that in the totality of his dealings with you,that he has been a saint,and hasn't been frustrating,but I only read two posts of yours,and from that,and this is my reply.

[RainbowRoad]

I hope you are able to step back and realize that you were behaving in an abusive manner in this situation. Just because you are the woman and he is the man does not put you in the right. Nor the fact that he's had self-defense training, does that make it his fault for panicking when you blocked his path and antagonized him.

I've been in situations much like this, and I feel absolute empathy for the man you berated and cornered like an animal. People who are so violatile with their emotions, and so quick to take offense are impossible to please. I sincerely hope that this was an out-of-the-ordinary occurrance for you, and not a pattern.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=212830

The above is your other posting that I referred to for more of an idea what was going on.So not just this thread.Hope you are ok.

[ThePainNeverDies]

I haven't read all of the replies, but all I want to say is that I didn't call him names for no reason, I never TRY to start arguments. I didn't try to push him for answers, I just asked him why so late. I'd tried to arrange a time with him and got nothing back so I advised that I would be staying up until he got there - I thought that this would have give him a chance to consider not to arrive at a silly time.

I know that I'm not all in the right, I know that yes, I aggravated the situation, that yes I should've just kept my mouth shut and left him to it - nobody's perfect, least of all me.

I didn't want him to be arrested. I just wanted the police to be aware that something wasn't right and that things weren't safe. David had the chance to go where he wanted to, I was stood in the door way talking to him, I moved where I thought I needed to when I needed to but it turns out he wanted to go where I had stood - I didn't know that until he came towards me.

Yes I know I shouldn't have said or done some of the things I did. I am not thinking of myself as a victim, I hate to think that way in fact. I'm not the kind of person who tells one side of the story, hence why you've all replied in the way you have. I came here to gain perspective on the situation and to understand exactly what I should do.

Thank you for your replies, they have been very helpful. I've learned a lot over the last week and I'm improving myself as a person - your replies were just what I needed to help with that

I know that right now a lot of people think very little of me and I'm sorry that things have turned out that way. I know I've been/done wrong in some cases and I know that had I just not pushed for answers, it probably wouldn't have ended SO badly. I'm learning to curb my question asking; my what, why, how's etc.

Rainbow, it was an out-of-the-ordinary thing and I'm not excusing my actions by saying that things were difficult, life got too much and yes, I lashed out by way of words when I promised myself I'd never lash out in any way shape or form. I'm still sculpting myself and with everything there is to deal with at the moment, it's very hard NOT to let anger take over, but I feel I curb my anger very well - apart from of course that night.

Thanks again for all your replies.

I,personally think you are human,no less than me or anyone else.Not all-good,not all-bad.I am filled with mistakes.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

I'd tried to arrange a time with him and got nothing back so I advised that I would be staying up until he got there - I thought that this would have give him a chance to consider not to arrive at a silly time.

Maybe this is why you were so upset? You put yourself out there in order to get a certain behavior from him ("If I tell him I'm staying up until he gets there this will affect his decision of when he decides to come"). I'm wondering if this is manipulative? People learn to manipulate simply to get their needs met but being up front and open is healthier and letting people make their own decisions is even healthier yet.

One option is to tell him "come before 'this time' or don't come at all, because the door will be locked and I will be sleeping and don't wake me up.

[ThePainNeverDies]

I hadn't meant to manipulate and if that's how it seems, then OK... I had mentioned to him that I was happy for him to come get his stuff as long as it was at a reasonable hour. I'd asked him if he had a time that he was going to come over, he said no. So I replied with 'please don't make it late - I plan on being in bed by 11 at the latest'

Hindsight is a great thing... There are so many things I could've/should've done but in the heat of the moment it's not something one really thinks about. Especially when it comes to safety. I made mistakes, I accept that..