[haier]

i've been feeling so bad lately. i have a lot going on. for those keeping up with me, i have yet to call the therapist back. i'm going on no therapy for two weeks and i'm finding it so difficult considering i'm going through a lot. i'm still struggling with strong feelings from the cancellation. i know it seems so dumb right? but if you only knew it takes me far back, it brings back so many feelings of abandonment, hurt, rejection. feelings that the people who are supposed care for you and protect you in the end don't. i feel a little better, i'm sure i will eventually talk to my therapist, i just don't know when right now, i honestly don't know when.

today i saw a really old lady who could barely walk coming out of a church..she was so cruched over with a walking stick in each hand...it was sad because she was alone, trying to walk. people kept just walking by. and she was walking really, really slow. i felt like crying because she reminded me of me. i felt like her. and i felt so ungrateful in the moment because i am not at all like her. i'm still young and i have so many years ahead of me. i am not crippled. even though i feel i am. i was sad to think that one day i would be like her. do i want to live a life full of misery? no, i don't. do i want to be so alone as she was, with nobody to hold my hand and help me with each step i take? no, i don't.

most days such as today..i carry a knot in my throat. so big that when i swallow i feel it there. i've gone to the dr. thinking i have a thyroid tumor or something but it's nothing. this knot. today is one of those days when it is so big i feel it. i wish i could get out of this funk. i wish with all my heart i could just get myself up, why is it so hard. this is not the way i want to live.

[2bme]

I too have a knot. Been told it is anxiety. Can't swallow food. Can hardly just swallow. You need to get back in therapy. Yes, I can see that it can be difficult. You are the most important part in this. For your OWN wellbeing, please go. You sound so sad. And I wish I could help. Good luck and go well.
(((Hug)))

[haier]

i am not able to call the therapist. it's dumb i know. i think i will wait it out see how much i will last. i'm not suicidal or anything. just feel alone. i don't self harm. i just feel lonely. i remember and feel alone all over again. i have anxiety attacks and i have no one to talk to so it's hard. what can you say to this right? nothing. that's how i feel too, i don't know what to tell myself. i just have to wait it out and see.

[Open Eyes]

((((haier)))),

What you are discribing here is what many go through that faced some kind of abuse/neglect/abandonment/insecurity/and loss of safety. I have dealt with this myself. When I started therapy and was spilling my guts out my therapist had forgotten to write in the appointment he set up with me in his book. He scheduled someone else in. And at the time I was really struggling and I had to keep reminding myself of the appointment because I was often losing track of time and day.

I made it a big point to remind myself every day what day it was and that I had an appointment on a certain day. And that appointment was early and I knew it was going to be a challenge for me due to being hung over in the morning from the Klonopin I was taking as well as having to take care of my horses/ponies in the morning too.

So I really busted my hump to make that appointment only to find his door closed. And I sat in the waiting room for almost 1/2 hour and it started to trigger me. Then I finally knocked on his door and he told me that he had someone else in his room and that I didn't have an appointment. WOW, that upset me to the core, talk about feeling forgotten and unworthy, WOW. And I knew it wasn't me or my fault.

He called with another appointment and I did go and I told him that it was not fair for him to do what he had done to me. He appologized and told me that he had been burning the candle at both ends and it was his fault that I was right. So even though it hurt me to the core, I remembered that after all he is human. So I did make an effort to continue my therapy. But I will admit that it did effect my trust in him.

And that situation made me worse and sick too. But I stuck it out and got beyond that and I do have a better relationship with him now. But I addressed it as bad as I was and reminded him that I needed him to practice good communication and for me to feel that I could depend on him to follow through.

haier, yes, I hear you, it is very upsetting if a therapist doesn't see how much you need to have a trust in him/her. But you have to allow yourself not to let this feed into your PTSD that already revolves on so many troubling feelings of being alone, misundersood, and very vulnerable.

If this therapist you are working with cannot see the importance of his/her role in being dependable and completely supportive in your recovery, then you have to find a therapist that IS dependable. And they ARE out there.

As I said, I was very upfront about what I needed from my therapist. And this is important, you have to dig deep, knowing that your struggling and you DO need someone who can handle this. This is not about your lack of worth, this is all about finding a professional that knows his/her job and can give you what you need and deserve. Therapists are people and people make mistakes and they don't learn unless they are put on the spot and addressed with their mistakes. And what I do know is that if I am in therapy, I am also representing others that struggle with my disorder and in that I know they too deserve to get the right therapy as well.

Not only are you an emabassador for youself but for all those that struggle like you haier, because the bottom line is YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT AS ALONE AS YOU THINK.

(((((Big strong hugs for you, I am here listening your are not alone I struggle too)))))
Open Eyes

haier, this is a troubling disorder and you are really not alone sweetheart, I have struggled so much myself and YES, YOU DO DESERVE TO GET THE HELP YOU NEED here. And you have to find a part of yourself that helps YOU get what you need, a part of you that pushes and takes care of YOU. Yes this is hard and lonely but I can't say enough haier, you are really not alone and you derserve to have what you need to work through this and you CAN get stronger, really CAN.

[haier]

open eyes, i know, everything you say...you are right on. i don't want to go back to her but i really liked her. i have a really hard time trusting people....to the point of their physical appearance being important. i have specific requirements in my head for a therapist and she met them all. i am scared to look somewhere else. i want to see a picture of the therapist first and i can't go around looking. this last time, i kid you not, i PAID 5 different therapists before i picked her. it is ridiculous what i do. i know this and am unable to stop. i am frustrated to say the least. i confided in this therapist, i told her some of my most deepest darkest thoughts..i told her i had severe trust issues and i told her about the therapist search which led me to her. she knew this. i do not understand why bad things always happen to me.. alll the time. i tried to reach out and ask for help. now i'm back to feeling like a hermit. it's ridiculous i know, and trust me i feel so stupid over this. i hate myself. but i will be ok. just suffering. thanx for listening.

[Sannah]

Haier, this therapist sounds good and you do need to work through these feelings of abandonment. What is so scary about going back to her?