[carrie_ann]

please DO NOT READ if triggered by talk of RA, demons etc.

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growing up, my father was a member of a cult. for reasons that don't matter, he decided almost the second i was born i was the devils daughter.

as such, him being a man of god, i had to be punished and prepared for a life-time of hell, so there was a LOT of ritual abuse.

now i know it's illogical for an adult but i'm still terrified of those ****ing demons! certain things still throw me into the most ridiculous state of fear. a power cut, a candle where it reflects into a mirror, mirrors after dark, even bloody camping.

so i put up with his rituals, abuse and torture for the first 11 years of my life. but i'm 45 and still scared of freaking demons coming to get me! wtf is wrong with me???

sorry, i just ..... nvm

It isn't the same, but I was brought up with my mother's delusions that we had ghosts and that I was evil, and they were coming for me. I managed to block it out for so long, but at about 16, I began to have hallucinations that they really were there, and of course she didn't help, and told me that what I was seeing/hearing/feeling was true. I managed to overcome the hallucinations by keeping a diary of what was going on, and allowing myself to turn on the light, even though logic said I should be able to cope with the dark. I also recorded what my mother told me. In the moments when I was feeling more in control, looking at what I had written and how ridiculous it was that I had been subjected to this helped me to feel more in control.

I have to really fight to keep these thoughts of ghosts at bay sometimes, it's like I have to say 'no, I will not open myself up to this, I will not allow that - what my mother called 'spiritual' - part of my mind to open up again, because then I know it will all come flooding back in, and I do not want the 'ghosts' to invade the lovely safe home I have created with my other half.

I think I will always feel some degree of fear, for example when a carrier bag in the bedroom would not stop rustling one night, I had to carry it into the living room, which my other half found funny, but I knew it must be done for my sanity. It's like closing down this shutter, I feel myself pull it down in my chest, and I tell myself it's not real, and that even if it is, I have the power to ignore it.

I've no idea if this is helpful - I've been out of my mother's house for about five years now, I'm 23, and I do think her psychosis will impact the rest of my life, but I do think I have the power to not believe her, to feel angry at her, and to not let myself be swept along again, no matter how scared I become.

[carrie_ann]

i'm sorry you went thru that, karmamie, but glad you have been able to overcome it by telling yourself you have the power, kudos!

unfortunately, i am not as strong as you but ty for post, it does give hope!

and no matter who laughs at what you have to do to feel safe ... keep it up, it all goes towards getting over it and KNOWING your mother was wrong and you can be safe! maybe i will get there one day.

[Purple Heart]

Hi carrie-ann

Welcome and thank you for your post. The reason most probably that you afraid of demons still coming to get you is because you probably have PTSD!!! Otherwise known as post-traumatic stress disorder. Being told that at such a young age creates ENORMOUS negative impact on your life! No wonder your still suffering at age 45!! It is absolute horrible and evil what your dad did to you! Have you considered going to the police and having him charged? Do you see a therapist? Ritual or satanic abuse although never experienced it, is probably one of the worse kinds of child abuse. Get help and realise it was not your fault!

[carrie_ann]

Originally Posted by Purple Heart

Hi carrie-ann

Welcome and thank you for your post. The reason most probably that you afraid of demons still coming to get you is because you probably have PTSD!!! Otherwise known as post-traumatic stress disorder. Being told that at such a young age creates ENORMOUS negative impact on your life! No wonder your still suffering at age 45!! It is absolute horrible and evil what your dad did to you! Have you considered going to the police and having him charged? Do you see a therapist? Ritual or satanic abuse although never experienced it, is probably one of the worse kinds of child abuse. Get help and realise it was not your fault!

i know i have complex ptsd but that doesn't make the flashbacks any easier when i get trapped in them and it's real to me.

the police tried their hardest to have my father charged with everything but could only get him charged on sexual abuse charges.

i don't see a therapist, their isn't one available here who specializes in ra/sa who is also available on the nhs.

i realize it wasn't my fault he hurt me, but it IS my fault i wasn't strong enough to take it.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

It was not your fault, period, carrie ann.

I am so sorry you could not fight back.

i know he hurt you.

(tearing up, crying a little with you)

I also got abused. I was told that I had horns growing out of my head and that everyone could see them except me.

I was locked in a toy box to "exorcise the evil" from me when I was eight years old.

(babysat by people abusing their catholism on me)

so sorry.

Billi

[Crew]

Hey carrie ann

I am so sorry you had to deal with the horrendous amounts of mess and feelings after one has been hurt to your degree.

Thank goodness you are able ot talk a little about it. This is a must, if you can at all if you can write, draw, use collage to get through the bouts of flashbacks and the feelings that RA leaves you with.

Journal, draw , use colors to describe things you are unable to talk about. Cause the more you do that, I feel the more you will get away from there grips. Try to find a Trauma therapist. Let your therapist warm up to the idea of what you have went through but just keep on talking.

Oh, and this makes a bunch of sense and your not alone. You will not ever be alone again in talking online and such.

Your in my healing thoughts, I hope you can feel them,
Peace, Crew

[carrie_ann]

Originally Posted by Crew

Hey carrie ann

I am so sorry you had to deal with the horrendous amounts of mess and feelings after one has been hurt to your degree.

Thank goodness you are able ot talk a little about it. This is a must, if you can at all if you can write, draw, use collage to get through the bouts of flashbacks and the feelings that RA leaves you with.

Journal, draw , use colors to describe things you are unable to talk about. Cause the more you do that, I feel the more you will get away from there grips. Try to find a Trauma therapist. Let your therapist warm up to the idea of what you have went through but just keep on talking.

Oh, and this makes a bunch of sense and your not alone. You will not ever be alone again in talking online and such.

Your in my healing thoughts, I hope you can feel them,
Peace, Crew

thanx but i'm in a really bad place atm and feel so ****ing pathetic, but ty for reply and advice, will try what you suggested.

[Sannah]

Carrie, it makes total sense why you are where you are. Our environments affect us.

[likewater]

((((Carrieann))) my mom is schizophenic and told me things like devil would get me, even dead father might come back like in Pet
Cemetary. What helped me is faith in higher power. I believe that there is evil, but not like my mom thought and higher power is there to protect me whenever i call and higher power is more powerful than any evil anywhere. I'm so sorry for what you have
been through and still going through. Hugs.