[DiamondApple]

I am writing because I need to deal with my past and need to understand what happened.

My age:
I am an 18yr old girl. When I was a kid (around 5-9), I developed a friendship with a neighbour, she was a few year older than me (I think 10-14). She taught me how to Rollerblade, showed me make up and was like an older sister. I remember my parents bring us to a carnival and a restaurant after, she showed me how to get toilet paper to stick to the roof.

What Happened:
My parents let me stay over at her house one night, I remember being at my sitting room window asking to stay and being so excited because it was probably the first time I was allowed to stay at a friends.

That same day I have a memory of being in her room, before I asked to stay. She had friends there and they were reading a magazine, I remember something about quizzes that were in it, but most of it is blurry.

When I stayed over she asked me how many kids I wanted to have, I wasn't sure so I said about 3. She somehow related this to the magazine and told me I had to lay in bed naked with her for 3 minutes(1 for every child). After that there's just blackness.

Then I remember both of us standing naked over a candle, she told me we had to pass water between our mouths otherwise it wouldn't work. More blackness. She told me we had to kiss every five minutes or it wouldn't work. More blackness.

My first kiss/ sexual encounter was with a girl, and I believed every word she said.

I remember being at home, maybe the same day or a few days later, and seeing the video of a song and it reminded me of the event. After that, I consciously tried to block it out. The only time I recall thinking about it (as a child) was when my Best friend, who was a year younger than me, told me the girl who abused me had given her make up and all I could think about was protecting her. My abuser moved away not long after what happened, I think.

After That:
When I was 13 I moved away, on my first day at my new school all the girls hugged me and I felt uncomfortable. I became friendly with a girl who valued deep trust while I had difficulty trusting. I was very friendly with and felt safe around her, I told her most things about my life. She moved school after summer and we were still incredibly close. I let it slip one day, on the phone, that I found it weird being hugged by so many strangers. She then asked why, and I couldn't tell her, I just said not to mind, but her pressure to know brought back my memories, which I hadn't felt were related to my first day.

She pressured me to tell her, to not bottle things up because she noticed that I was acting strange about it and made me feel guilty about not trusting her. I eventually told her as much as I could remember and she got so angry with the person that did this to me. Any-time I saw her after that she acted weird, wouldn't hug, was over protective and incredibly distant.

Our friendship diminished from then on, after that I felt so horrible, betrayed and I couldn't stop the flash backs.

The flash backs became a lot clearer, but there is still a lot of that night I don't remember.

Bulimia/Pica/Relationships
When I was between 14-15 I developed Bulimia and suffered for about 2years until I eventually stopped, I still have urges though. I have had pica for as long as I remember and eat things like plastic and paper and don't even notice it half the time.

Emotions & Relationships
My biggest issue is my sexual relationships. I never used to tell people about boys I liked. I never keep contact with sexual partners, we may remain friends but I never develop relationships. When a guy asks me out I sometimes agree, but always back out. I have no long term emotional attachments to the guys I'm with, and if I do become emotionally involved it ends soon after.

The only person I ever had feelings for was a guy who liked me and I wasn't interested in him, then he got a girlfriend. After that I developed interest in him and for years we texted, talked, planned being together but I didn't want him to leave her because I can't handle a relationship and didn't want him cheating, so we never did anything. Until a few months ago on a night we made out, talked, he stayed over but didn't have sex (on my request). After that I could have been with him again but I decided against it, even though I still have feeling for him.

I have no issues being with guys, especially when I'm out, but I am incapable of a relationship or emotional involvement.

Family and Friends
I have great relationships with my family, especially my father. I have a few groups of close friends who I get on well with and who I can be myself around. I feel completely comfortable around them and they never judge me, they just accept me. I find it easiest to get on with guys or girls who get on with guys.

Help:
I would love to know whether anything legally could have been done about this at the time?
If anything could be done now? (I have no idea where this person is, but its more a matter of curiousity)
What can I do to deal better with my issues?

Because this person was a minor at the time, the legal recourse would have been fairly minimal. Worst case, perhaps some time in juvenile detention, but more likely court ordered counseling or something of the like.

I'm not sure what could be done now. It would depend on the statute of limitations where you live first of all. Again, because she was a minor at the time, I don't believe the consequences would be those for an adult offender but I could be wrong about that.

Are you in therapy? If not, that is probably where you need to start. It takes time to work through abuse and the help of a qualified therapist is vital.

[DiamondApple]

I was also wondering if I might have PTSD?

I have bad insomnia and keep getting flash backs. I have always been intelligent and I knew what happened was wrong at the time but I didn't want my parents to feel guilty for not protecting me, they were always wonderful. I am one of those people who help others deal with their issues, understand the mindset and actions of them but lack the ability to be as emotionally involved as them. The only times I cry is on rare occassions when I remember what happened and can shed a tear, 2 at the most.

I plan on seeing a counsellor at college but I haven't gotten the nerve up to do it yet.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by DiamondApple

I am writing because I need to deal with my past and need to understand what happened.

My age:
I am an 18yr old girl. When I was a kid (around 5-9), I developed a friendship with a neighbour, she was a few year older than me (I think 10-14). She taught me how to Rollerblade, showed me make up and was like an older sister. I remember my parents bring us to a carnival and a restaurant after, she showed me how to get toilet paper to stick to the roof.

What Happened:
My parents let me stay over at her house one night, I remember being at my sitting room window asking to stay and being so excited because it was probably the first time I was allowed to stay at a friends.

That same day I have a memory of being in her room, before I asked to stay. She had friends there and they were reading a magazine, I remember something about quizzes that were in it, but most of it is blurry.

When I stayed over she asked me how many kids I wanted to have, I wasn't sure so I said about 3. She somehow related this to the magazine and told me I had to lay in bed naked with her for 3 minutes(1 for every child). After that there's just blackness.

Then I remember both of us standing naked over a candle, she told me we had to pass water between our mouths otherwise it wouldn't work. More blackness. She told me we had to kiss every five minutes or it wouldn't work. More blackness.

My first kiss/ sexual encounter was with a girl, and I believed every word she said.

I remember being at home, maybe the same day or a few days later, and seeing the video of a song and it reminded me of the event. After that, I consciously tried to block it out. The only time I recall thinking about it (as a child) was when my Best friend, who was a year younger than me, told me the girl who abused me had given her make up and all I could think about was protecting her. My abuser moved away not long after what happened, I think.

After That:
When I was 13 I moved away, on my first day at my new school all the girls hugged me and I felt uncomfortable. I became friendly with a girl who valued deep trust while I had difficulty trusting. I was very friendly with and felt safe around her, I told her most things about my life. She moved school after summer and we were still incredibly close. I let it slip one day, on the phone, that I found it weird being hugged by so many strangers. She then asked why, and I couldn't tell her, I just said not to mind, but her pressure to know brought back my memories, which I hadn't felt were related to my first day.

She pressured me to tell her, to not bottle things up because she noticed that I was acting strange about it and made me feel guilty about not trusting her. I eventually told her as much as I could remember and she got so angry with the person that did this to me. Any-time I saw her after that she acted weird, wouldn't hug, was over protective and incredibly distant.

Our friendship diminished from then on, after that I felt so horrible, betrayed and I couldn't stop the flash backs.

The flash backs became a lot clearer, but there is still a lot of that night I don't remember.

Bulimia/Pica/Relationships
When I was between 14-15 I developed Bulimia and suffered for about 2years until I eventually stopped, I still have urges though. I have had pica for as long as I remember and eat things like plastic and paper and don't even notice it half the time.

Emotions & Relationships
My biggest issue is my sexual relationships. I never used to tell people about boys I liked. I never keep contact with sexual partners, we may remain friends but I never develop relationships. When a guy asks me out I sometimes agree, but always back out. I have no long term emotional attachments to the guys I'm with, and if I do become emotionally involved it ends soon after.

The only person I ever had feelings for was a guy who liked me and I wasn't interested in him, then he got a girlfriend. After that I developed interest in him and for years we texted, talked, planned being together but I didn't want him to leave her because I can't handle a relationship and didn't want him cheating, so we never did anything. Until a few months ago on a night we made out, talked, he stayed over but didn't have sex (on my request). After that I could have been with him again but I decided against it, even though I still have feeling for him.

I have no issues being with guys, especially when I'm out, but I am incapable of a relationship or emotional involvement.

Family and Friends
I have great relationships with my family, especially my father. I have a few groups of close friends who I get on well with and who I can be myself around. I feel completely comfortable around them and they never judge me, they just accept me. I find it easiest to get on with guys or girls who get on with guys.

Help:
I would love to know whether anything legally could have been done about this at the time?
If anything could be done now? (I have no idea where this person is, but its more a matter of curiousity)
What can I do to deal better with my issues?

if you are here in the USA yes there is something you can do. we have discovery laws that cover sex abuse as children and then when the child comes of age and remembers their abuse they have so much time between their 18th birthday (here in NY its 5 yrs other USA states may have other time frames with this law) and the deadline.

for example I know someone who was 21 and their abuse happened when they were10. she fit the criteria under this law so she was able to successfully prosecute her abuser.

your chances - the sooner you try the better your chances for getting a successful outcome. people understand children cant prosecute but adults the longer they wait it can go against them by decreasing the chances of a successful prosecution.

how to go about it - if you are here in ny and other USA states, we have many crisis centers that can help you go to the police, make a statement and go through the prosecution process. there is also something called - the crime victims board, that can help with costs for therapy, meds and such that you may need. anyone can apply for the crime victims boards help by contacting any crisis center that deals with sexual assault. they can walk you through the process of reporting the abuse (required by the crime victims board) and then applying for the CVB funds.

[Sannah]

Hi DApple, welcome to PC. It sounds like you fear intimacy because of what happened to you and the resultant lack of trust. Yes, working through this in therapy would be very beneficial to you, so that you can live your life.

[DiamondApple]

I am not actually in the US, I'm in Ireland. I don't think I'd ever want to press charges. I have no idea where the girl lives, only that when she moved she went to back to England and I was only a child at the time. I can't remember her last name, only that she had a brother.

I wouldn't want to involve others in my past and I don't see any need to press charges against her, because of her age at the time (Although I would gladly slap her).

I'm just trying to deal with my past and work out the issues that resulted from reliving the memories. i.e. Bulimia, severe insomnia, pica, flashbacks, intimacy issues etc.

[Sannah]

So when are you going to visit the counselor?

[Mayflower7]

HI DIAMONDAPPLE,
I think maybe advisable to make an appointment with your Dr, so a review of your current health problems can be discussed. Your Dr can advise on different treatment options, and counselling as well. A very difficult time, with having the flashbacks. Hopefully with counselling might begin to trust others AGAIN, could try When in a new relationship discussing how scared your feeling. So he understands and can support you better. Try joining some new groups maybe in your local area, and building friendships first, when feel ready.
TAKE CARE
KATE

[jazzy123456]

Hello!

Diamond Apple,

All I can say is, I too, was abused by an older child.

I am a girl. She was a girl.

I have suffered from disordered eating pretty much since I was 12.

I too, now I am 22, have never been in a relationship. I start things but, like you, back out at the idea of a relationship.

When I first started remembering I got flashbacks or fragmented memories-insomnia as well. IT's been 2 years since the memory first surfaced again.

However, I also get confused over my sexuality- which may be something you haven't experienced. Definitley have experienced a wide range of intimacy problems.

What worked for me, was accepting that the person was a child at the time of the occurence. I was able to have grace attesting to the fact that she was around 10-11 years old. I have never really focused on her, in terms of healing, although I find it interesting that she's a lesbian now... but, I find it more healthy to focus on myself and what I need to do to heal. I find more strength from that but, thats just me.

I couldn't help but, write and offer you some sort of support. To just basically write to say your not alone and with time, patience for yourself- you will heal. You already took a first great step by posting on here! I've been posting on here for almost 2 years. It was my beginning point until I went into counseling. I know how confusing everything can feel so take it all a day, a moment at a time.

[DiamondApple]

Originally Posted by jazzy123456

Hello!

Diamond Apple,

All I can say is, I too, was abused by an older child.

I am a girl. She was a girl.

I have suffered from disordered eating pretty much since I was 12.

I too, now I am 22, have never been in a relationship. I start things but, like you, back out at the idea of a relationship.

When I first started remembering I got flashbacks or fragmented memories-insomnia as well. IT's been 2 years since the memory first surfaced again.

However, I also get confused over my sexuality- which may be something you haven't experienced. Definitley have experienced a wide range of intimacy problems.

What worked for me, was accepting that the person was a child at the time of the occurence. I was able to have grace attesting to the fact that she was around 10-11 years old. I have never really focused on her, in terms of healing, although I find it interesting that she's a lesbian now... but, I find it more healthy to focus on myself and what I need to do to heal. I find more strength from that but, thats just me.

I couldn't help but, write and offer you some sort of support. To just basically write to say your not alone and with time, patience for yourself- you will heal. You already took a first great step by posting on here! I've been posting on here for almost 2 years. It was my beginning point until I went into counseling. I know how confusing everything can feel so take it all a day, a moment at a time.

Not to sound weird, but I am somewhat thankful to know I am not the only one.
I have suffered bulimia for years, Insomnia as long as I remember and I have bigger trust and intimacy issues than anyone I know. I feel like I am going out of my mind sometimes.

But like you I understand that the person who did this to me was a child, but still she tricked me and I knew it was wrong. So I do hold some resentment towards her, despite the fact that I dont want her to be held accountable as it was so long ago.

As for seeing a counsellor, I wont be visiting one till after the summer because I am moving away for the holidays

[jazzy123456]

It's not wierd. I needed to know I wasn't alone too- thats why I joined psychcentral. Soon enough, I found out I wasn't. I wish you healing and hope