Hurting Inside

Hello - I am new to this site, I have been searching for a abuse forum for years - I am always behind the scenes reading other peoples posts and issues but today I will tell my story. I want to start off by saying I am not leaving my husband, well not now anyway. I just want some type of support system so I dont feel like I am going crazy. I feel like its all my fault and I am just stupid.
My H and I met online back in 2001. We talked on the phone for a few weeks then met. He was amazing, he was handsome and funny and just a great guy. Right off the bat though he would lie to me, he told me he had a car and he didnt. We lived an hour apart so he would take a bus to see me on the weekends, he told me he had a car accident and totaled his car. Well, that was ok with me, he had a job and was so nice and sweet and we all said he was perfect.
The first 4 months were PERFECT. I was 28 years old and so happy I finally met a nice guy. So, I moved out of my parents house, yes at 28 and moved an hour away to be with him. He yelled at me once in those 4 months before I moved in, I spilled wine on my mothers carpet and he got loud with me, I was like OMG. But it didnt happen again for a few months. Once I moved it things changed - I noticed he was cranky. After living with him for 6 months and being together almost a year he proposed to me. I said yes. Things were good, no VERBAL abuse at all. Just crankiness and some yelling when we argued but nothing bad. Then as the years went on things got bad. He would call me names when we argued - ****, ******, dumb, moron, stupid, douche bag. THose are some of the names. I asked him to stop every time, he never does. He says I push him to say those things when we argue.
He likes to yell. He is always right, I am never right. He controls our plans. I control our money but he will find a way to get money or make money behind my back, He has taking out credit cards in my name before. He has a money problem. I come from a VERY VERY VERY CLOSE Italian family, American Italian. We are close, my parents are still married after 44 years and counting, He comes from a abusive home, his mother was an addict so on and so forth. He doesnt like that I am close with my family, he will do things for them though, thats the good in him. He has a big heart. But my family sees how nasty he can be, my mom even got loud with him a few times, my parents love him - they really do, They see past it sometimes. BUT they do NOT know everything, they do not know he calls me names. He belitles me a lot. I am a smart girl, I am not ugly at all, I am chubby though. He calls me fat. He lies a lot right to my face and I stopped catching him out in lies because it just causes fights. I find myself crying alone sometimes when we fight. I tell him I am going to leave and he tells me if you leave dont bother coming back. We bought a house 3 years ago, the only way we could get a house is if we got help, so my Gram gave me my inheritance money early. So here we are in this house, NO KIDS. Why no kids? Two reason, first being we dont have sex a lot, maybe once every 2 months. Its hard for me to be intmiment with him when he calls me names, it takes me a long time to get over it. Second, I dont want to get pregnant either, why do I want kids with a man that has major anger problems. He promissed a million times he would get help, makes excuses all the time. So we tell people I cant get pregnant. I will be 40 next year, I am ok with not having kids, there is a reason for everything. My H will be sitting there watching TV and he will yell if the remote dont work - thats how bad he is, he throws things when he gets mad, he has been through so many cell phones, He also was texting with a girl from high school 2 years ago and they were sexting, to me thats emotional cheating - he said he has needs, I said OK lets work on it, things were great for 2 weeks, like amazing, then he started asking for a Harley Motorcycle which I was so against, well I ended up letting him get one. We have a lot of bills, I am starting a new job in 3 weeks. I have been laid off and need a better job. I know he is a Narissist person. What hurts the most, I love him. But with all the abuse does he love me? all the lying...I need suppport, I need to vent to strangers, I cant talk to friends or family.

Sounds like a tough spot that you're in, and I'm sorry for it.

It's strange, reading your words -- the way you describe your husband's anger and throwing things that don't work.... well.... that's something I do. Or did. I"ve managed to control it lately. I don't know if it's for the same reasons, but I get overly annoyed and I honestly feel like I can't control getting angry. There was a day one of my cats was annoying me, badly. I didn't want to hear him anymore, but being the typical loud, pushy, over-assertive male siamese, he went ahead with my dare and continued to yowl at me. I honestly wanted to pick him up and throw him, and got so far as to pick him up and then stopped. Glad I did. Instead I left the house and went for a walk, because I nearly followed through. I've followed through with remotes, cell phones, chairs, you name it. And I honestly feel that I just can't control it. I don't understand it, but I'm working on it. It's been awhile since I threw something out of anger. I threw a wine glass across the room recently. Actually, more like it threw itself. It slipped out of my hand while I was talking (and gesticulating wildly) with my hands and I'm glad the dogs were out of the way. It made an interesting Rorschach test on the fridge..... Anyways, my husband helps with this. He sees me get angry, and he'll simply leave the room. He has come to realize that if someone is watching, I just get worse. But if he leaves, it kind of triggers my mind that, hey, something's not right. Take a step back and breath. We're figuring it out, but it sucks being on the delivering end, getting into that anger, and then feeling like a complete retard after because you realize that it really wasn't worth the frustration. ANd, damn -- I just made it worse, to boot.

I think that might be part of the problem, though -- he doesn't see it as a problem, nevermind his own problem, and finds reason to place the blame. So, therefore, no reason to work on it.

Marrying someone who changes so much you don't know them anymore is harsh, painful and amazes me when people are so tolerant. The name calling is inappropriate, as well as the credit cards scenarios (not to mention illegal). You deserve to be happy, to have your own identity, your own friends, and to feel secure with not only yourself but the relationship you are in together.

No matter how you manage to do it, I hope you find a fix. It's never easy and it's definitely a long road to recovery, but hopefully you find the support you need here.

((italianchic))),

Welcome to PC. Wow, it doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship to me. I think that you should consider making a decision, do you really want to be with this man the rest of your life? Often people get worse when they get older, and he isn't getting any help. I hope you are not thinking about the house etc. That is just a thing, nothing more, your happiness and well being is what is important here.

You must take care of YOU dear. This man coming from a disfunctional family is showing that he does not respect boundaries. You cant spend the rest of your life trying to mother him either.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

I know you are both right. I dont know what I am doing, I am taking every day, day by day. Its not always bad, most times its good but when its bad its horrible. I know I cant change him. What I did do was spoil him all these years. 11 years I spolied him. But thats no excuse the way he treats me at times. Well I am glad my eyes are open to more now. For years I would deny the problems. Not anymore, now I know what is going on.

Sometimes awareness is a good first step to anything.