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#1
Jun 19, 2012, 04:36 PM
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I have a background in being abused as a child: CSA by a neighbor for 1 1/2 years and my parents being emotionally absent and neglectful in combo with being physically abusive.
Present day I somehow managed to marry someone who is great at boundaries and I feel safe with (I used my brain and not my heart to make the decision - been married for 11 years). My friendships however have not all been fantastic and I have a hard time making friends with people. The one friend I now have would be considered a 'best friend' but is pushing her boundaries with me. I feel like she takes advantage of my generosity and today she asked me to do something for her (the second request in the same day and I had done something for her the day previous and the week previous - like watch her kid for example and she hasn't offered any reciprocation.) I left her and told her I was going to bring my son home and I couldn't watch her son. I went home feeling very angry and 'taken advantage of'. Why do I find myself in so many relationships where I'm attracted to people who have boundary issues. I also have  fantasies of T abusing me 
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 genn
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 happy101
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#2
Jun 20, 2012, 07:21 PM
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. Why do I find myself in so many relationships where I'm attracted to people who have boundary issues. I also have
fantasies of T abusing me [/quote]This is similar to my story.I had to read your post twice thinking I could have written this. I believe we are healing and in this journey we now recognise people/friends who 'cross the line'. In order to get it right we need to be firm about boundaries then the next step will come easier. This process you are going through right now is recognising whats good for you and whats not. Its OK to place all your needs first. You must be happy and you are very important. You are on the right track.Theres a couple of books written by Sister Renee Pitelli, its a guide on how to live and be happy , she too went through what we did. Everyday when I read a chapter I go 'Wow', Im normal....In short the book tells us its only right to place you as the most important personb and your kids and husband of course... Dont worry about your friend.In my case I turn down people politely and not bother what they say about me behind my back....I sure they do but what the heck,Im on my journey.....and Im number one!  
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| genn
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| geez, genn
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#3
Jun 20, 2012, 07:51 PM
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ty to both of your stories, Iwas feeling so down I also had a friend that I thought was more than a friend like a mom and at the end , I found out things she think about me, that hurt my feelings.
But I need to be strong and don't care about what people that hurt you think about you. There people that really care, and can be friends. ty for both of your stories
__________________
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| geez
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#4
Jun 20, 2012, 08:13 PM
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Thank you genn and happy101. I talked to T today about my friend and boundaries but left out the part about wanting T to abuse me/cross boundries
In short she said that as long as I'm willing to try and in fact do set boundaries for my friend than I should be ok. If I do set a boundary with my friend and she continually crosses it without any regard than I need to not be in that friendship. My friend in general is supportive and doesn't intentionally cross boundaries as she's just really good at asking for what she wants (something I have a hard time doing as I'm a people pleaser). happy101 thank you for the book recommendation. I'll be sure to check it out! |
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#5
Jun 22, 2012, 01:16 PM
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So you wait for her to ask to do you a favor? Is there something that you want her to do for you? I'm sure she would love to reciprocate. This is your job to ask for what you want (and your job to enforce boundaries).
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#6
Jun 22, 2012, 03:21 PM
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Quote:
I'm not keeping score and I'm not looking for a 1 for 1 but I can't just give to everyone else all the time either.I guess I need to ask her to watch my boys but at the same time I feel like I'm imposing on her if I ask her to help and what if she doesn't really want to help even though she probably would anyways (probably me just projecting my own 'issues' on to her )
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#7
Jun 23, 2012, 11:51 AM
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So are you going to ask her?
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#8
Jun 23, 2012, 12:23 PM
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Quote:
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#9
Jun 23, 2012, 02:47 PM
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(((hankster))) Thank you for defending me. (((sannah))) I know you are coming from a good place but in the virtual world the words seemed a little bit short
And yes I'm going to ask her to watch my boys every Tuesday for 1.5 hours so I can take a boot camp class and Hank if she can't reciprocate my 2 hours a week of me watching her son/s then you are right i will have to find a friend that is more giving. Thank you both for caring 
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| Sannah
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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