[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

If it's not one thing, it's another. Ever feel like even if you take yourself out of harms way, no matter how you change things, disaster seems to follow some people? I feel like it follows me. I see people all of the time laughing joking, not a care in the world. Everything goes right for them. Nearly every day is a good day, and when they have a bad day, it's only once in a blue moon so they can handle it. Or maybe they are just stronger.

I'm away from all abuse but things still go wrong. I still find myself in a massive car accident, ******trigger*********I still see a girl deceased on the side of the road while her friend was screaming out of the car and they were bridesmaids for a wedding they just left. I still have medical issues just spring up. Things just always go wrong. I find myself waist deep in the river in the middle of February running from 5 vicious dogs, it's always there. I'm not safe no matter what I change. I'm away from the abuse but some dark thing just follows me. Maybe this is negative thinking, but even when I'm at a good point in life, something happens to crush me down again. Am I the only one with this problem? When things should be GREAT right now, and I've finally found happiness and no abuse, somehow horror follows me. I just want to be stress free for a little while, event free, scare free. If other people can have that for most of their lives, why can't I have it for just a short time?!

Once I start to heal from something a brand new issue arrises or gets brought back to the surface. It's a nasty cycle and I just want the cycle to stop.

[Jackapuss's Mama]

I have a friend who (like me) had an extremely abusive childhood. When I met her, she was much farther in the recovery process than I. When I asked her if the "new issues" keep popping up, she told me, "Healing is like peeling an onion. There's always another layer, and it always makes you cry. BUT the layers get thinner and easier to peel, and you don't cry as much." I remind myself of this when a "new issue" (actually, an OLD issue) comes up. I also remind myself something that I learned by myself, that you attract what you most fear. If you are afraid that there will always be darkness following you, you're right. As Richard Bach said, "Argue for your limitations, and, sure enough, they're yours." Please know that it gets better and that staying as optimistic as you can will dispel much of the darkness.
(((PFM)))

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

That's very wise. Perhaps they are more strong than I, perhaps the peeling doesn't doesn't hurt them as much as it does myself. You make a lot of sense... I just wish I could have some time in between the "healing" to just be me, to just live and enjoy life, but every time I'm at that phase where I can finally start to see beauty in life, I get crushed back down. Perhaps learning not to let it crush me is the first step.

My fiance often says that what happens to me happens because I say it will. Basically I have bad luck because I believe I have bad luck. It's yet another cycle though, I've learned to expect the very worst of everything, yet with that comes fear of the worst. Nasty cycle, perhaps this is why therapists psych doctors and such go to school for 6-10 years, complicated things. Like my fear of seizures causes anxiety, yet my anxiety causes seizures. Eck...

Thank you again, I will truly try to remember this, very very wise indeed

[Sannah]

Being more fragile from past trauma does make it harder to cope with current distressing events. Keep healing, though, and it will get better.

[Open Eyes]

(((Purple))),

I can so relate to what you are saying. I was just getting stronger when I am now dealing with a lot more crap. However I am seeing how I am addressing it better believe it or not. But YES, I REALLY NEED A BREAK AND I CAN DEFINITELY RELATE.

(((HUGS FROM ONE CONSTANT WARRIOR TO ANOTHER)))

Open Eyes

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Gaah, i am so mad at them for this, everyone who hurt me! Instead of playing dolls and jumprope, i was beaten and hurt. Instead of getting help with my school work i was ignored or blown off. Instead of going to homecoming, prom, graduation, i was too busy trying to get past the pain and trying to avoid the pain at the time. Instead of starting my life new and going to college i ran away to more abuse. (Granted some i didnt have to do but considering the extent of the abuse, it took a lot just to get to that point). And instead of feeling like a confident young woman who thinks about their future and works toward it, i watch the others in envy, wishing i could see a glimpse of that future in me. I am so mad they made me this way, they might not have directly done it but they took the good parts of youth from me and left me feeling 3 times my age, used and useless.

I am so angry right now. I feel like so much more was stolen besides what they did to me. I feel ruined and i blame them

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I guess this new phase of anger is good but i am soooooo mad right now, ive never wanted to hurt anyone but right now if any one of them crossed me i dont know what i would do. I am so angry right now. At least the anger is directed at them now instead of being angry with myself. But this anger is so strong right now. I need a punching bag

[Gr3tta]

A punching bag is a good idea! I have one in the garage.

The thing is, that there will always be more bad things. Bad things will always happen to you, and around you, for the rest of your life, no matter what you do.

There are some things that can be avoided. Being as healthy as you, personally, can be, as well as surrounding yourself with other healthy people will help you avoid a lot.

But there will always be some things you can do absolutely nothing to avoid or prevent. The thing you can do, is to learn to deal with them in a healthy fashion. That includes not letting them overshadow all the great things that also happen. It also includes letting yourself be angry about them when you need to, too.

So go ahead and be angry. You can rant and complain here all you want, scream your head off (I think in the car is a good place for this, but not while driving) punch your mattress or a couch cushion, whatever you need to do to get it out.

I hope you'll start feeling better soon.

[Sannah]

It is a good sign to be able to feel your anger.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Thanks y'all. Im really trying not to let this new found abnger get to me, im trying to convince myself to put it to good use, kind of. Like the fact that my dad has always been the worst of all, yet i always felt the need to go check on him, buy him food and clothes, sit with him while he was having a bad trip or whatever it is meth does to you. I felt obligated because he was my father. But that idea is gone with this new anger. If he, as the father, couldnt keep me safe and instead caused pain, i will no longer try to help his pain. I will no longer pretend that what he did was ok. Same with my brother. I wont hurt them but i will no longer feel like or think that its my job to take care of them.

I just cant help but wonder, im very smart, attractive, learn well, have many talents, but i feel like they ruined my chances of being somebody. I cant help but wonder who i would be if it wasnt for them, how far i could have gone. I feel like they took that future from me. I guess next, i have to find a future without all of them. Cutting the ties is the first step, im there. Next is excepting what they did so i can move on and hopefully see a better future... hopefully

[Sannah]

Wow, you are making progress by leaps and bounds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

June is a hard month for me, my dreams are showing me that already. I see anniversary posts, i always try to forget that day, but im nearing the 10 year mark since that night. Triggers but ill try to keep them light. Two men, much older than me, some ritual abuse and me forced to clean up my own blood after. I did nothing about it. I saw no point, i didnt know the last names, i blacked out the worst of it so i didnt even know exactly what happened. I cried every time i peed and could hardly stand up for over a week. They made me feel like i asked for it. But i didnt. I said no more times than i could count, i tried to push him off of me. But in the end, they won. I was 14, they were 19 and 22. I let it happen again, i believed them when they told me nothing really happened. I had to. The signs were all there of what happened but i didnt want to believe it. So i went back. They told my brothers other stories. I ended up voluntarily going to the hospital after i learned what really happened. But up until this past week, i felt that it was my fault. I hated myself for what i let them do to me. I hated and blamed myself for going back. I was convinced that the second time was my fault because i went back, after knowing something was wrong. But i went back because deep down, while cleaning my own blood, i knew what had happened, i just wasnt willing to accept it. So instead i fell for them, in my own attempt to somehow justify what happened. I never wanted to go to the police because i believed it was my fault, i should have known not to hang out with men so much older. But this past week i am starting to see, it wasnt my fault. They were in the wrong, i was an immature young barely teen girl, they were grown men. I said no and they did not listen. Just becausei put myself in a vulnerable position did not give them the right to touch me. I have, since the first night, dreamt of the shadows of them doing it again. They still haunt me, as much as the other abusers who were in my life much longer. But i no longer blame myself. I blame them. I am considering taking legal action against one of the men

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

The other is already in prison facing the death penalty for armed kidnapping and first degree murder, where he tortured a man for 4days before burying him alive. In the news papers, they said he bragged to hia cell mate about a 14 year old girl that worshiped him, and he would use it to sexually satisfy himself. I knew he was talking about me, i never willingly went for him, but he did know how much i looked up to him. That still eatsaway at me, like i was his trophy. The other man, i confronted. He apologized for laughing at me after the first night but never for what he did, and actually said i should call him if i wanted to go out and have a good time. Maybe legal action wont help me in this case but right about now, all i want is to see him behind bars. I cant get to the other man considering hes awaiting the death penalty, although numerous times ive considered visiting him to tell him off. But i know hevould just laugh and it would be another story for him to tell. Sorry for posting so many triggers but finally i am free of this guilt too, but dont know where to go from here. If i took legal action against all of the men that sa'd me, id be in court for years. So how else do you move on from the anger? Its boiling inside. I did not deserve any of it! I did not ask for any of it! I did not want it, i do not want this burden i carry. I cant just ignore it, that makes it worse in the long run, so how do i healthily move on from this anger before it eats me alive? I can finally see myself as a child, as a young ignorant teen, and i did not deserve any of it. To look back and see it happening to me, not as i am now but as the child i was and young teen i was, it infuriates me. I just want to scream, rip their hair out, beat them to a pulp then give that girl a hug and comfort her. None of those are options, so what next?!

[Open Eyes]

(((Purple))),
All of this is much needed for your healing, just let it out, all on the table, then you can sort through it all and finally get past it.

This is what you need to do in your healing. Sannah is right, you are gaining.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[Gr3tta]

I know the anger has to hurt, maybe even be scary, but I have to agree that you're doing great. You're making so much progress.
You can't go back and hug the little girl you were, but you CAN hug the wonderful woman she's become! You can, literally, hug yourself, and you can hug yourself by being kind to yourself. If the little girl deserved this kindness, then you still deserve it now.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

So my brother moved back to this side of the country only 40 miles away. He moved in with mom. Just found out he's planning to buy a house in my small town, within a 10 mile radius. Last night mom was saying "ya'll can hang out all the time". Hes even already taken a job here. When she made her comment i didnt say anything, didnt know what to say. I realized this morning, as what was mentioned above, i may not be able to stop all bad things from happening but it is up to me how i handle it.i will no longer be a pushover, i will no longer hurt myself in order to avoid their pain. Its up to me to make the best i can out of any given situation, not let the situation and others get the best of me because for one reason or another i cant stand my ground. Ive never really had someone on my side in these situations because i never told anyone many things, now that my fiance is on my side, its about time i get on my own side.

With my brother, mom, dad, even at work, when the guys are always walking up behind me poking me on my side. I am so jumpy at work because of this and never said anything because i didnt want them in trouble for something i cant tolerate. But now i see i shouldnt have to tolerate it, i have a right to not worry about that at work, and i am responsible for enfoursing my rights. It will be hard and i cant do anything about my past pain but i can lower my chances of future pain, i only need to be on my own side and not give in to others expectations. It will be hard but i have to do it

[Sannah]

You go girl! You can do it!

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Instead of filling this forum with different threads, I'll just write it out here...

I love my mom. She has always worked so hard to support us, we always knew she loved us but oh my gosh, when she's drinking she can drive me up the stinking wall!!! Which is pretty often!!! Like when I meet a group of her friends out at a restaurant and she introduces me as "my daughter, she has dissociative identity disorder!" or when I go on her facebook and see the things I've told her in confidence plastered all over her wall. She added my fiances mom, dad and uncles on her page and there she is talking all about my mental health problems to everyone. What the heck?!?! Clearly while alcohol is still in her picture, my secrets can not be.

I'm rather frustrated right now. The day I told her, in secret, about how my virginity was stolen from me, I got a phone call an hour later from her best friend wanting to talk to me about it. Because that's what I wanted. I want to pull my hair out and scream. Serves me right for telling her anything. And T wants me to tell her about my past SA when I was a kid, the SA I've told no one but my fiance about. Yeah right!!! I do NOT think so! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

And now I feel guilty for getting all worked up. She's done a lot for me. I love her. But I'm trying so hard to mend this broken relationship between her and me, when we are CLEARLY two different people, and this happens non stop! I feel guilty for saying it but it doesn't make it less true

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I am so tired of this. Tired of them still effecting me. It's in the past, why can't it be as easy as they think it is? "Just get over it, it happened a long time ago, you're safe now, get over it" if only it were that easy. I wish so badly that it was. Even when I'm "over" or think I'm "over" the pain of what has been done, it has a sneaky way of catching up to me! I don't know why it was my destiny to be raised the way I was, why I was chosen to see what I saw, why I was in the positions I was in. I just want to wish it all away. It was so easy for others to inflict it, why can't it be that easy for me to rid it? Because growing up I was not given any tools to cope with anything. I was left alone to deal with all of the pain and cope the only way I knew how. By pushing it back, by blacking it out, by taking the guilt on myself. I just want to scream right now.

I can't hate some, I have to, for my sake and theirs, I have to find a way to maintain a relationship but it's driving me mad!!!! I want to scream and pull my hair out and act like a 3 year old having a temper tantrum. There are too many things weighing on me right now. What happened to the day when I could forget it all, focus on the present? When I'm doing that now, I'm triggered so easily. Just one small word beginning in r and ending in e can send me off the edge. So many things. I miss the day where I could push everything to the back, forget it all and keep moving forward. I feel as if I'm stuck in this dark hole and I can't see out. I want out. I want to forget it all. And what I did lose memory wise, I never want to learn. If that means not properly healing, well maybe I just can't properly heal right now. I'm sick of being "sick" I'm sick of things going wrong. I'm sick of being so dang upset all the time and having these intrusive thoughts. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuudge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Group therapy? T has a group that focuses recovery on partially letting go of anger, allowing the survivors to take their anger out on certain things, punching bag etc... Perhaps. Perhaps I will just go home, tug on my hair a bit and let the anger build up more and more. I feel like I'm going to explode! Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I think I'm just going to use this thread as a "journal" type when I'm at work... You don't have to read, I just need to flipping vent or something. It's all too overwhelming sometimes!

I think I need to vent or something. I feel so much building up right now. I'm getting a migraine from it. I literally feel like my chest is going to explode. I am so angry. I am so hurt. I am so frustrated. I am so tired. I am so embarrassed. I just want to find a way back to numb now. Find my way back to just moving forward, even if I'm not back to my "old self" I just want to find a way to move. Not be stuck in this darkness. I need out!

I need to scream. I want to hurt them. But that's not me. I never want to hurt anyone. But I could really go crazy on them right now. I just want to yell "Eeeefffff you!!!!!!!" to everyone that's hurt me to cause me to be in this hole. I need better coping skills. This obviously is not working. But really is there any hope for getting over this? If words can't heal a broken heart, they certainly can't heal a broken mind! DID aside, I'm so broken. I'm shattered. I'm useless and I blame them. Each and every one

[Gr3tta]

Please don't explode! Can you imagine? Purple monkey hair all over everything! (not making light of your situation, just trying to give you a laugh)
In reference to your mother, I just want to say that you can appreciate all the things she done for you, while still being angry over the ways she failed you. I feel it's important to acknowledge all the emotions, even when they are conflicting. You've been a remarkable survivor. I have faith that you will recover from all this, and there will be a day when you feel better.

[Open Eyes]

(((Purple))),
OMG, we are so parellel right now, I could be saying the same things myself that you are saying in your last two ranting posts.

Since my dad got sick and went into the hospital and I went to visit him and saw my sister (I have big problems with her) I am seeing the disfuction and it is making me ILL. And I am the same way, I don't want these flashbacks and emotional memories taking me over like they are. Yes, it is embarassing and I hate it myself.

I AM trying to see all around this disfunction and I KNOW there were things my mother didn't see either. I don't blame her, I know she struggled back when I was little and I was left to fend for myself with my siblings who both abused me. Yes, I thought I made peace with that but I guess not because I am experiencing these flashbacks and days of feeling disfunctional that NO ONE SEEMS TO GET.

Ok, ok, deep breaths, calm down, me too. I have T tomarrow, see what he says that can help me. I get pissed, I wish I could just BUTCH UP OR SOMETHING. Ok, so there is something I am not seeing yet somehow. I am willing to accept that, so I will hang back a bit and give it some time so I can work through this. There is an answer but I am just not seeing it yet myself. Just know that I hear you, and me too.

(((Hugs and I hear you's))))
Open Eyes

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Thank you gretta, I needed that laugh

My daughter LOVES my mom. That's her favorite person in the world. So when I learned my brother was not going camping after all, it was too late to take off work. My mother, knowing I did not want my daughter to go without me, still told my daughter all about it, so for the next two days after my daughter talked about camp non stop. So I caved. But I wasn't a push over at all. I laid down my rules stating she is my daughter and my wishes for her will be met or there will be no more over night visits with my daughter. My mo was understanding and reassuring. I also sent a good family friend who owned the site, and is very responsible, an email expressing my concerns and was reassured by her. My daughter went and had a great time.

But she came back last night. And this morning my daughter (who is 4) was pulling down my shirt trying to see my chest. I wasn't letting her, telling her that's my private part and I keep it to myself and she says "well grandma let me see hers" and I told her "I know honey, when you took a shower with her" (as they have an out door shower at the camp site that consists of a bucket that sprinkles down water and my daughter refuses to go in there by herself) and my daughter replies "No she let me see in the morning" I am so bothered by this. I know my mom isn't molesting her or anything but I'm tired of her pushing the sexual things. My daughter, because of my mother, knows all the unpleasant facts about death (something I've been trying my own approach to in order to not have her afraid, but mom comes in and throws in the same ideas that give me panic attacks) and after a visit with my mom my daughter comes back calling her privates her "jay jay" short for vajayjay. I'm sorry but that is an adult term that even I do not feel comfortable saying. I tell my mother I do not want my daughter learning those kind of things and she minimizes my concerns saying I'm over reacting.

It wouldn't be that big of a deal if I didn't consider my childhood. At the age of 12, mom telling me she was going to buy me a pent house magazine to show me "where everything goes" or the year before when mom got a back massager, while in the living room with my brothers and step father, I was sitting on the couch and she comes up and turns it on and puts it on my privates and started laughing when I pulled away. Or the fact that to this day she asks my brothers if she can see their private part saying "I just want to know if I blessed you in size"

I do NOT and will NOT allow this kind of childhood for my daughter. I was telling my fiance that I'm considering moving across the country so the relationship can stay strictly phone contact. But he's right, we gotta have money to do that. But obviously, with her desire to force a relationship between myself and my brother, the things I realize were not normal or healthy for her to do, and the possibility of her inflicing the same on my daughter, I'm cutting her loose. I have to. It may be impossible to have a close relationship with her. That breaks my heart but I REFUSE to allow any of the dysfunction to carry on to my daughter.

I'm sorry open, I wish you were not in the same position with the anger guilt shame and all. It's really unfair, you deserved better than that. We deserved better than that. If your t has any life changing things to say, please do share, and I would do the same. My t believes I may have PTSD along with generalized anxiety disorder and of course DID, 3 names I've had time and time again, but he's taking his time to diagnose. I don't know where I fall in the mental spectrum but I know it's hard. Eck, life isn't fair, but some of us, it seems like more than just "unfair" things happen. It's more than not being treated equally, it's being treated as if we were some spider or worm or something, just an insignificant creature.

I've cried time and time again when I did have my license, from running over a squirrel or something. I can't kill bugs. The thought that I am treated as if I were them, I kind of feel their pain and don't want to put that on any one or anything. Another thing my daughter learned from my mom though "Kill" and she kills all kinds of bugs. WTH?!?! So frustrated. Obviously things have to change.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I realized in chat last night that what i need is to set boundaries with mom. Something i will be discussing with t on thursday. T said last week that we will be needing to go deeper in our session "cant always talk about the weather" but thats not what we've been talking about. When im honest with myself, while t is a nice funny guy, i dont trust him. Hes often said things i knew to be untrue. I am a fairly intelligent person and it may work for most but not for me. A few weeks ago i was having a meltdown voices internally were keeping me awake all night. I called him because i was losing my mind. He told me he set the first part of mondays to the side to go visit patients who were homeless or had no way to get to the office he would visit them. He was going to squeeze me in first since i was having a hard time. When he left, supposedly he was going to his next appointment. Well 30 minutes later he called to make sure i was doing ok. He called from his office, when supposedly he was going to be out all morning for appointments. When i went in one day and told him i had taken a hit of marijuanna before my appointment to calm me he tells me about patients who go in there so high theyre asking him to take them to get a cheeseburger, something i also dont believe. He tells me, without names, about patients of his with DIDand when talking about one, some days according to t, the parts all integrated to one, other days they integrate to two. Its all small things but a lie is a lie and i dont believe lies help, even if they are meant to help. Its making it difficult to open up when i know he says things untrue just to ease my mind. Maybe he thinks i wont catch these things, but i do. Hes a good guy but how can you be honest and open with someone who wont do the same for you?

I just dont know. Hes a good t, he knows what hes doing, but i need honesty and not someone talking out their butt. I want to (but am afraid to) go deeper to get past this to heal, but i dont feel comfortable doing this under the supervision of someone who lies to me