*** MAJOR TRIGGER - GRAPHIC VIOLENCE ***

Dear Friends,

I am very reticent about sharing huge problems with anyone, including my PC family, but after weeks of consideration and prayer I have decided I must tell my story. If it keeps one person from harm, it is worth the embarrassment and horror that I will immediately feel upon posting this.

I used to tutor high school and college students and one day I met a young man who needed help with a college class. As we worked together we became friends. We were and always remained just close friends.

He was rough around the edges but I overlooked it. When he had a personal tragedy we became even closer as I helped him through his sorrow. When I was going through my divorce he “protected” me from the monster who hurt me so badly.

As a child of horrible abuse having a big strong male friend near who wouldn’t let anyone hit me was such a relief. I was homeless and he took me to a friend’s house so I wouldn’t die. I leaned on him and where you saw one you usually saw the other unless he was with his girlfriend.

Anyway, as time passed my friend, whom I’ll “M”, needed money. I thought nothing of it at first. A couple dollars here or there doesn’t make a difference when you don’t have enough anyway. His temper became worse, but it was never pointed toward me then. He demanded more and more money, always promising to pay it back and I payed dearly for the friendship. I went without and he had all the clothes and toys he wanted.

When he came in bloodied and cut I patched him up and put him back together. I set his shoulder back in place countless times. He started calling me Doc in front of his friends. Oh yes, I met his friends. They were rough and scary. He became rough and scary.

I wanted out, but he threatened to kill my brother and my niece. He knew where my Mom lived. I had taken him there. I couldn’t leave. If he didn’t kill me, he would kill one or more members of my family.

He took my car and refused to bring it back. He said if I turned him in he would kill my family. I had to protect my family. They were innocent.

When I finally got my car back, it was trashed. Unbelievably trashed. My almost new, in perfect condition car was ruined with an additional 50,000 miles on it that wasn’t there before. In your worst imagination you wouldn’t believe what he did to my car.

When he did bring the keys back I was told in no uncertain terms what he would do to me and my family if I tried to find him or talk to his family, with whom I was very close. I had PTSD before then, but I could feel something ripping apart inside me as he talked. He told me in the goriest, most graphic detail how he would dismember each body and scatter the pieces so they would never be found.

I lay in my bed in my dark apt in a fetal position for two weeks. I wouldn’t answer the phone or door. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t think. Terror engulfed me. Slowly, my life came back together and I cast aside my losses and moved on…

A year later, the phone rang and I was too afraid of him to tell him to never come back. So he came back and begged my forgiveness for what he had done. He swore he had changed and he did for about two weeks and then it all began again.

The honeymoon cycle of any relationship, whether romantic or platonic, is wonderful. The abuser treats the abused like she’s made of gold, doing anything and everything to gain back her trust. Then when he is fairly certain he’s ok, he becomes his true self again.

“M” certainly became his true self again, to the tune of thousands of dollars that on my credit card and more threats and abuse. Finally this January I had enough. I decided I couldn’t take it anymore and told him to never, ever come near me again. Typical of his ilk, he did.

I live in a locked door apartment building. You have to have someone let you in before you can enter the building if you don’t have a pass card. I opened my apartment door to someone else and he was hiding around the corner so I couldn’t see him out of the peep hole. He started in on me and since I had company and didn’t want them to hear an argument, I stepped out into the hall.

Among other things he called me the one name I cannot stand. He knows it’s a trigger and pushed it for everything it was worth and I did the one thing I never, ever do. I lost it. He had pushed me beyond reason and I stood up to him.

He slammed me against the wall so high and hard that my feet weren’t touching the floor. I couldn’t get away. I struggled but it was like a kitten trying to bat at a gorilla. He’s very tall and extremely strong.

When he hit me, his fist coming toward me seemed to be in slow motion and I knew I was going to be badly hurt. He knocked me unconscious and hit me so hard I flew up the hall and landed on my back and the back on my head on the hard concrete hall floor.

He broke my necklace and my brand new glasses. They landed about twenty feet away from me.

I made it back to my apartment and my friend who was visiting took me to the emergency room. My face was swollen and black and blue. I had a black eye and my lips were cut. . The bone that surrounds my right eye was broken. One of the bones in my right ear was broken. My chest and arm were black from where he slammed me against the wall and held me there.

I had a major concussion and the Dr. gave me IV meds for pain and nausea. I was drowsing and thought I would get to go home soon. All at once my heart stopped. I flat lined twice and they brought me back each time.

My Dr. told me my body had so much trauma inflicted on it that it just couldn’t take anymore and shut down. Period.

I was so afraid I wouldn’t even give them his name right away.

So now, I wear a brace to try to put my chest back where it belongs. “M” reopened an old injury when he hit me. I may have to wear it forever. We don’t know. The current one is not working just right, so I am going to have to have a new one made that goes from under my arms to my tail bone. It’s hot and heavy and wears me out and I wouldn’t have to wear it if I hadn’t been beaten. I can’t bend over and I can’t reach and get anything. I have to use a “reacher” even at my desk to pick something up from the floor.

There is nothing sexy about the brace. It sticks out from under my clothes and it’s quite obvious that I have it on. I can’t hide it or my discomfort.

Because the bone in my ear is broken I have to take antivert. I have had to train myself not to bend my head over to look at things and I don’t dare look to the left or right quickly. I also can’t shake my head and since I am a most expressive person, that’s a hard habit to break. I have to hold onto the wall or whatever I can find to keep from falling over when I accidentally turn my head too fast.

I can’t see well out of either eye. The Dr. says it will take months for the tissue in my face to heal so that I’m not in constant facial pain. He hit me so hard that the blood vessels in my face are weak. They snap and break and I have a bleed. Not only is it extremely painful, but when that happens I get black eyes again because of the bruising and pooling of blood. I almost constantly have a swollen face and black eyes. Makeup won’t hide it. I have to take a strong pain medication and get in bed because I am literally blinded in one eye for hours when it happens. I am literally praying that I never become blinded in both at the same time.

I have hearing loss from the broken bone in my ear. I go Monday to see how much loss there is and if I need a hearing aid. I don’t know how in the world I’ll pay for it because my insurance won’t cover it.

I also go to Physical Therapy on Monday so a therapist can try to alleviate some of the neck, shoulder and back damage from being beaten and from hitting the concrete so hard.

I have brain damage. My short term memory is shot. I am no longer capable of taking care of my own housework. It’s too upsetting. My friends here are doing their best to wash my clothes, clean my apartment and help me remember to pay my bills, etc. It’s not fair and I’m not used to accepting help from anyone for anything. I hate it. It’s humiliating and I feel like I’m using my friends.

I’ve had to buy a pay as you go cell phone because I get lost now. I’ve lived here on and off all my life and I get lost. I can’t remember where I’m supposed to be or what I’m supposed to be doing. I can’t find my car. I walk right past it and don’t recognize it sometimes.

Lists are wonderful as long as you can remember to make one. Even if I make one, I can’t always remember to read it. Even if I read it, sometimes I can’t understand what it says.

I am left handed and he hit me so hard on my right side that my handwriting at times looks like nothing more than a scribble. My keyboarding skills are at times non existent. Sometimes my hand goes numb and I can’t use it. When I’m upset or tired I stutter. Sometimes my words are jumbled. Sometimes I can’t read. I definately can’t spell like I used to and my grammar is now fragmented.

I am a good mimic and do different accents just to goof off. Now they come out at the most inappropriate times. I gave some poor soul directions in a perfect British accent and could not help myself from speaking that way. Anything that is in my memory may pop out at any time.

I’m allergic to the medicine they normally use for brain trauma patients so I am own my own. I am to do puzzles, computer games, etc., to make my brain think. I am to avoid stress at all costs. Avoid stress - what a joke.

I am to get a service dog. I need one now. I am trying to start that process and hope I have the patience to get through all the red tape.

I have no patience now and I have a temper. That scares me to death.

I have a year to press charges against “M”. My pdoc and counselor consider “M” so much a psychopath that they feel he will kill me once he is released from prison. So, I have to think long and hard about what I need to do.

He knows that if he comes near me for any reason, even by accident in a store, I’m calling 911 and he’ll go to jail. He has stayed away so far, but I don’t know if he’ll try to come back. I feel more free now. I have written documentation everywhere so that if something happens to me they will know to go after him.

I should have gotten rid of him long ago. I should not have listened to his threats and I should have gotten away even if it meant moving away.

If any of this sounds remotely like a relationship of any kind that you are in, please get help now. Get away today. There are Domestic Violence networks everywhere with shelters you can hide in until you can start a new life. He or she will hurt you. He or she can and will very well kill you and swear it was your fault and that you made him do it. That’s what “M” says about beating me.

January

((((((((((((((January)))))))))))))))) I can't think of any words that would give justice to your post. You are a very brave person both in what you did and then posting about it. Your willingness to risk writing about what happened only shows what a generous person you are. I wish I could heal all your physical and mental wounds but can only be here should you need someone. Please take care of yourself.

(((January)))

I agree with Bipolar...words are inadequate..the sharing of this must have been very hard..but thank you for doing so..take care...

((((((((((((((jan)))))))))))))))))) we've talked about this. you know my tears, concerns, hopes and prayers for you.

you're an amazing soul...brave and beautiful.

kd

Jan, I don't know what to say. My heart aches for you. I can't offer you anything but prayers -- I hope that's worth something, anyway. God bless you for being brave and courageous enough to share your story.



Candy

((((((((( Friends )))))))))))))))))

Your answers are healing. It means you care and that means the world to me. I triggered myself right out of my silly mind writing this, but you know for once I was pretty clear headed. Otherwise, it would have turned out to be semi-gibberish.

Thank you so much for everthing.

Love and hugs,

Jan

January,
I'm sorry...tried to read your whole post, but I couldn't. Please know that I am here, and I understand. ((((January)))

((((((((((Jan)))))))))))))

I am so sorry that you went through all of that. I hope that anyone else in a relationship like that will get out before it happens to them. Nobody deserves what you went through.

Thanks for trusting us with your story. Let me know if there is anything that I can do for you.

Rap

What Is Altruism?

1. Loving others as oneself.

2. Behavior that promotes the survival chances of others at a cost to ones own.

3. Self-sacrifice for the benefit of others.

Thank you, Jan for your brave and graceful humanity.

Jan, I don't care if you press charges or not except that if you did press charges you would be eligible for victim's compensation and you could get funds and priority to get you moved as soon as possible. They could also push the service dog thing faster. Please call your proscecuter and press charges and get the help you are entitled to. You need to move for your own safety, and most states have a way of having your mail re-routed so it never goes to a direct address. Please speak with the victim's advocate in your area. I am so sorry that this happened to you. I can help you through the process if you would like.

January,

I feel you. I really do.

Your story has given me the courage to write about two incidents I witnessed.

Thank you for that.

Your story truly touched me. It made me appreciate what a courageous and special person you are.

It also made me appreciate things in my life and realize that things could be much worse. Thank you for that.

A dear friend who has known me for years and knows my writing skills well read my post. (I emailed it to him.) He was horrified because my writing has been soeffected. It hurt so much.... He told me I did a *&^% good job under the circumstances, but it didn't help. I worked for hours and hours on this post trying to make it the best I could possibly manage and apparently it does not have my "voice". That hurts ... "M" took away my writing skills, too.

((((((((((((((( Jan )))))))))))))))

I am afraid that if I try to answer everyone individually, I will miss someone. Forgive me.

Hugs,

Jan

Tears are flowing as I read your post. My heart aches for you. I am soooo sorry you experienced these awful things. And I am so glad your away from him...I will keep you in my prayers always.

Thank you for sharing your story.

(((((((((January)))))))))))))

This post is speaking to the skilled writer.

"M" took away my writing skills, too. It does not have my "voice."

When I first began to write my story, I scribbled those horrid words down with a black magic marker. They were poisonous, black slime filled with shame, sadness and anger. I tried to write it powerful enough so that people would feel my pain. Walk in my shoes. Wear my skin. But the words were ugly and I hated them. I took them outside and lit a match to them. Poof.

The next time I tried to write my story, I sat down at the typewriter and pounded the keys. Hard. Tippy-type, tippy-type, pound-pound-pound. Fingers flying, words flowing, type-type-type. It was well-crafted. Polished. But in the end, those horrid words were still there. Still ugly. Still poisonous.

It was only after I told my story, actually spoke those difficult words over and over and over again, that I was able to finally write it. I wretched on those words as they poured from my lips, fell from my eyes, dripped from my nose.

But only from the telling was my head able to connect to my heart, allowing me to write my story with all the depth and emotion it deserved. That emotion ultimately became my voice.

Your story will be written in time, Jan.

Your voice will be heard when it's ready.

You're just beginning to clear your throat.

Jan M is such a creep..I am so sorry ...you know you are in my prayers

xo

January, my heart soars to your side......

My dear, dear friends. Your concern and love makes me cry in joy and humility.

Love you all!

Jan

Jan, you really are brave. I hope you remember how brave you are and you can protect yourself. You have more strength then you know. Be well.

I never speak of this but My Mom "had" to get married when I was a teenager, if she didn't, he would have killed us all. He is dead now. But that was absolutely nothing compared to what you went through. I was very moved by your story and the courage it took to share it.

Hi Friends,

I go to have my hearing test today and to have my initial physical therapy appt. I may end up getting to use aqua therapy. It feels so good.

Please send me your best thoughts or prayers or whatever you do that I don't need a hearing aid.

I did get a little info on the service dog. It will cost at least $500. I really need one. He could fetch things I drop for me, although I'm doing well with my reacher. I also wouldn't be all alone. I am going to call the animal shelter and see if they have a house trained little one that needs a good, loving home. I'm getting kind of excited about having one, but I'm worried, too. Do you know if pee pads are expensive?

Hugs,

Jan

news papers and a roll of plastic from the hardware store will work just as well and be cheaper then the pads if you can cut the plastic to the size you desire. I wonder if you have service clubs there like Rotary or lions club that would help you pay for a service dog that is already trained? It's worth a shot.

{{{{ Jan }}}}}

I'm so sorry for what you have been through.

There are a lot of organizations that can help you get a service dog for a lower cost. You may have to travel out of state though. I didn't come up with much for WV. You would have better luck in Va or MD.

I would hesitate about getting a dog from the shelter to train for a service dog. The dog may not turn out to be able to be a service dog, and the training will cost you some money. A good portion of dogs who are raised from day 1 to be service dogs don't make the cut are are homed as pets.

You will also need id for your dog with the dogs picture and yours, and a sash or backpack indicating the dog is a service dog for you to be able to bring the dog with you everywhere.

It sounds like a service dog would be a great thing for you. I wish you lots of luck!