Graphic trigger

I told T I would not cut tonight. She said it would be taking anger out on myself and I don't deserve the anger, I am not bad. Being does not = doing. Cause I am a screw up at work. So I have envisioned that I would cut a different place and what it would be like and how it wouldn't show. I have been a long time without, and it usually is not in a place that shows. I am hurting beyond words and that is the other reason to cut. But it makes me feel guilty and shameful and bad and secretive so tonight I will not cut.

i heard, at an al-anon meeting, one time that the more secrets we keep, the sicker we stay.......i'm so proud of you for not cutting tonight, WW........and i'm really grateful that i read your post so that i could respond to you before i go to bed....you're a beautiful human being and a wonderful woman........xoxox pat

Thanks

please make it through tonight w/o if you can. you are capable. I too have spent many a night hurting beyond words. They are rough nights. My thoughts are with you.
sending gentle support your way,
__zh

Hello WW --

It is wonderful, tremendous thing that you didn't si tonight.

When I read your post, I thought, "What a ****** place the world is. Our workplaces, the way society is organized, are so . . . the two words that complete this sentence cannot be written up. One begins with "F" and the other with "U."

The world is crazy. You are so kind, WW. I can't even begin to tell you how much I admire people who can do wonderful craft things like you do. The principled lifestyle you and your husband have chosen to live. Your immense kindness to people and animals. I am in awe.

I know things have been really, really bad for you. But you are not a screw up. Your workplace is screwed up. Our country is screwed up. It is only our disease talking to us that makes us think we are bad, wrong, screw ups, not worth anything.

Please hang on, WW. Your husband needs you so much right now. Your children need you. Your animals need you. We need you on the forums.

Hang on and pray and I will pray for you.

Peace and blessings.

Did you ever know that you're my hero? You are such an inspiration to me. In the middle of all the hurt and all the sjit that has been thrown your direction recently, you are still not giving in. And I know that the pain is still there, and so are the urges and desires. Of course they are. But you are not making the damage deeper by hurting yourself more. That you still struggle, and you keep on standing fast to your decision not to si, really shows your strength. If you didn't struggle, then it wouldn't be as much of an accomplishment. When I want to give in, I'm going to think about you, and hope that maybe I can make it as long as you have.

Would you like to talk about why you feel like a screw up at work? You're welcome to PM me if you would rather. Boy, I could tell some stories along that line too, but what I really admire about you is how much you love and care about your children and family. My T told me if you can manage to be just marginally ok at work, you can get by and people won't really notice, but at home is where it really counts and where you really need to be your best. And you do that. I could learn so much from you.
I hope you feel better soon. Meanwhile, I'm so proud of you!
Rap

my goodness you guys made me cry, in a heart felt thank you kind of way. I want so much to be a good person in the world and to love each one as I want to be loved. I did not SI, I went to work, came home early as hubby and I drove together so daughter could have truck as her car in shop again.

Rap, at work, I was so screwed up last winter(2003-2004) depressed and struggling to make it. I finally collapsed and went on a leave from May 1 to July 10. Depression had me by the nuts and I ain't got those so? It had me. I went back to work still having to deal with some legal stuff around the state being concerned that I had allowed a conflict of interest to occur. My only goal ever was to make sure my client's got care.

So I came back and I was not 100 percent better, am not. I don't remember stuff and I have difficulty with cognitive processing. The state told my agency that I had made 8 mistakes on paperwork in a 30 day period and mine was the highest in the state. At this point I asked that I have some tools to assist with memory loss and someone to double check stuff before it was mailed. It's all in the ADA post in depression. Alas, the office told me they would do what I wanted to some extent but they did not recognize a disability. My big boss told me boldly yesterday that there was a job to do and if I can't do it I will have to check into other arrangements. I asked him what I was supposed to do as my memory doesn't work as it used to? He said that's why they were giving me a tape recorder etc. So, My T last night told me that doing does not equal being. Meaning, oh lordy I am not perfect, I made a mistake and I am bad and I will be hurt. Thus urge to cut, or part of it. I feel so vulnerable. It is part of the PTSD that was explained to my office that it is very difficult for me to make mistakes as it frightens me to no end. I made a mistake, I am not bad, I am trying my best, I am a good person, I don't deserve to be put down and beat up.

Boss man said I was results oriented and I had to pay closer attention to the paper trail end. I DO. And yes I am results oriented. I want to ease pain and suffering as quickly and efficiently as possible. I cherish that I can go be with a family and my knowlede and comfort helps them. I am so happy that I can indeed ease suffering whether it be via service coordination or through bearing witness and validation. I know I am not the be- all and end all. I know that many many clients transfer easily to other providers. But I also know that in that momenent I am loving and respectful. It stinks beyond words how horrible I feel that I make mistakes, that I don't remember, that get lost in my own head. Boss man says it's never a good time for me to deal with harsh stuff with the agency. He said first it was this, then it was that, now it's this. I felt like it is my fault that these things have occurred? I killed my kid, I made my daughter break her nose, I made myself get very ill last year, I caused hubby to have a spinal mass? Oh yeah, I gave my son bipolar and my youngest ocd. I caused my son's cancer and my husband's mental health hospitalizations. It's the old feeling of, I am a bad girl and it's much more safe to keep secrets. The worst part of that is that it is true. I am more safe keeping secrets. Less pain.

Yes, I know this is very long and I hope you are bearing with me. I need to talk it through. I have just recently been accepting that crap happens and it's not about me. I see it all around me, friends and colleagues with big health issues and big mental health issues. I see death and illness all around me. I know it is not just me. However, in this job, in any job you have a job that needs to be done. Personally this job demands 150 percent about 75% of the time. It's a job that utilizes every brain cell, emotion and intelligence you have. I am older, I am still ill. I have lived through a holocost of survival into this world. And where is my place?

I do not want to cut. I know it will only help for that moment. But it gives me power when I am powerless. I want the power to hold my body sacred and not harm it intentionally. It is mine and I deserve love and protection. We all deserve to hold ourselves sacred and to love our bodies and the selves inside. But I just have so much trouble with not being perfect and thus being vulnerable.

Wendy, that parenting thing is tough. All we can do is be good enough. Let our babies know we love them more then words and we are imperfect. Geez I hate that! I want to be perfect!

I truly appreciate all of your kind words, wendy, wantsto and Zen.

I'm so proud of you. Ya done good. Big ole hugz your way if you want them.

Ry

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((WW))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Aww, you guys, (and gals) are tremendous friends to let me pour such raw emotion out and except it and love me through it. Thank you for your kindnesses and replies. Ryan, I gave my baby away today, Jennie the ferret. A good home with lots of love. Still hard but necessary. I have not cut, am trying to look to other things but in this coming week it will be an issue that needs to be dealt with as the crap on a stick is ready to hit the fan. Fury is so cute. Too bad she was right about the fan. i really value you guys. it means so much to me that you care to read my mini novels on here.

Wisewoman, I just want you to know that I read this too. You have a tough job, not to mention a tough life in general. You must always feel welcome to write as much as you like here, and work through it. I wish that there were more that I could do to help. You are such a loving and caring person. Please always know that we care about you too.

Rap

Thanks Wendy, JMO, Ryan, Jmo, that dancing baby is too cute.