Why do I feel guilty?

I'm never sure what to say when this topic gets brought up around me. Even as a kid, I'd hear other children talk about how strict their parents are or how mean they are to them, and I think...that doesn't sound bad at all...that sounds awesome! Then I feel stupid because I feel like I'm having a pity party for myself and I end up mentally yelling at myself because of it.

Do I consider myself a victim of abuse? I never thought so when I was a child. I thought it was normal. Then I got older and I saw and heard what people called abuse these days. I'm 24 years old, it's not like I'm old, but I realized there was something wrong back then. Realized it back in middle school...that what was happening to me, wasn't supposed to happen.

So yes, I consider myself abused. I spoke with people about it, tried to figure things out, and they were all shocked. They never knew, had met my parents, and never suspected. Half didn't believe me, thinking that I made it up because my parents were 'so amazing and kind.' No one knows. I work as a teacher right now and a parent told me...'I hope my daughter becomes similar to you.' In my mind, I hope that they don't. I like who I am but...no one should have to go through what I did to become me. I know that the parent would have agreed but no one knows.

Then I think back about when my mother hit me all over with a hanger for being on the front porch at night. Hit me so bad that my muscles spasmed and I had bruises all over my back. When she hit the backs of my thighs and calves with a wooden spoon, saying that her mother had done that to her when she was bad, and that since I was bad, I deserved it too. I remember my mother always making me feel guilty, telling me that she would have divorced my father if I hadn't been around. Telling me that men were evil and that I would be miserable if I married a man. That I should be alone, that my personality made it that I should be alone.

I remember my father slapping me across the face when I was eight for asking for something. I remember making my father a sandwich and he threw the plate and sandwich at me, angry that I hadn't made it correctly. When he threw tools at me, angry that I didn't know what all of them were called and knocking me in the head with a wrench. I remember my father getting wasted and telling me how much I reminded him of my mother when she was younger. Saying that all fathers dreamed about touching their daughters.

I remember my parents getting angry at my sister and me jumping up, telling them that I did it. They would yell and scream at me for hours, spank and slap me, but only to go back and spank my sister anyway. Luckily, they were too tired from taking care of me, to spank her for too long. Then as she got older, she blamed me for not loving her enough for taking her away from the family, and ran away. No one knows where she's at now and I feel stuck.

I work with my parents in another country. My parents know that I carry around a baseball bat at my house. That I'll leave any second, so they haven't hit me for years. Yet my mother guilt-trips me about wanting to go to graduate school back in America. That I want to leave. She thinks I'll get married, which I'm going to in November. My father tries to bribe me with a car, the deposit money for my apartment (that I paid for but he threatens to take away if I leave now), and a possible job in America. Then they use me, going to America themselves and making me work three shifts. It's been two weeks. I'm lucky to get five hours of a sleep a night. I don't get enough time to eat. Then I wonder why I'm doing this to myself. I know what I want to do. I know how.

I left my parents when I was eighteen for school and took care of myself. I worked two jobs and went to school. I got all my education by myself. I pay for my own apartment, all my bills, and I paid off one college loan already. I have a fiance in America who loves me, wants to take care of me, and to take me away from the mental and physical abuse of my parents. My best friend asks me everyday, why do I let them do this to me? Why don't I leave? I ask myself this too.

Why do I feel guilty for leaving? Why do I feel like I'm a horrible person for leaving my parents?

We feel guilty when we act contrary to how we've been taught to act, even when we want to change our belief system. As children, many of us were taught to put our parents' wishes and needs far above our own. We (intellectually) know now that we have a right to put our needs and desires first now, but it's a hard pattern to break out of, so we feel guilty. Or that's my working theory, anyway.

You are breaking free and maybe your parents are trying extra hard to pull you back in. The guilt you feel is not necessarily reflecting that you are doing anything wrong--it's reflecting that you are doing something different, breaking the family patterns.

When you are incapable at a young age to stop your parents from doing things to you, that process impacts you when you eventually become an adult. It is a behaviour that is learnt so you can survive.
Your 24? Your an adult now. You don't have to feel guilty because it is not your guilt to bare at all.
Just leave them and move on and go no contact with them. The material stuff is immaterial. You are not immaterial you are the important person. Just leave and stop the cycle.

Do what you need to do Merlin. Keep us posted?

Ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto. Damn girl, ditto



I will come back with a full response...unfortunately its late where i am and i have work tommorow. Thank you for your post and your eloquence and bravery in speaking all of this out. I am sorry you are also struggling with this, including all of the confusion, feedback from others, memories, regret, guilt and shame.

((((merlin87x))))

You need to do WHATEVER is possible to break free from this toxic environment! As a child, obviously you had no choice, but now being an adult you can make your own choices. You know that their way of behaving was wrong -- that their parental "punishments" were definitely too harsh and abusive.

It's normal for children to feel guilty when leaving in cases like this because they're not leaving on good terms. Their parents aren't wishing them well, or giving them their full support. But you have NO REASON to feel guilty!!! You HAVE to leave for your own good!

So get out as soon as you can! And DROP that guilt right on the doorstep! It doesn't belong to you! God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

My parents did the same thing, just in a different way. It took me a long time to see that their need to make me feel guilt for wanting to leave (or wanting anything different to what was) was simply that - their need to make me feel something. I didn't need to feel guilty because I *was* guilty - THEY needed me to feel guilty so I would stay and the status quo would not be challenged.

From what you have said I see the same dynamic in your situation, but I know from experience how hard it is to understand that what you feel (guilt) isn't deserved. It took me a long time to really understand that, but when I finally did I was 'free'. (Free in my case meant free to leave without guilt, free to cut off all contact without guilt, and eventually free to renegotiate contact on MY terms and with MY rules - and those rules exclude abuse, guilt tripping and manipulation of any sort.)

My hope for you is that one day you may come to a place of personal empowerment too.