[geez]

I FOUND HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did some research and I found my abusers name. He can't run anymore!!!

[Sannah]

Good work! What are you going to do now?

[geez]

My goal is to write him a letter anonymously and perhaps contact authorities (not sure if I'm going to do that anonymously or not).

I called the local newspaper and because I knew the name and date of death of his mother I was able to get a pdf of the obit sent to me. The archives person at the paper thought I was doing research for ancestry. Just an FYI for those who want to take this journey and do it anonymously.

I have some thinking to do. I just called T1 and left a message that I found his name. I tried searching for records with his name on archives.com and so far what I've found is a possible death certificate from last year.

I have friends in law enforcement and the prison system that are going to look up his name and give me any info they can find.

[geez]

I just found some more info online. Looks like he died last year. Not sure how I feel about that.

[unaluna]

(((geez)))

[Open Eyes]

(((geez))),

If he is deceased then you were not meant to go any further that the willingness to finally confront him. You have to have faith that some things are for the best.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[critterlady]

That's hard, geez.

I found out last year that my abuser died several years ago. In a way, I'm glad, but, in another way, I feel a little cheated. I still struggle with it, really.

[roads]

Gentle hugs, geez. This is so huge.
Roadie

I actually was really relieved to know my abuser was dead. As long as he was alive, I feared ever seeing him again, I feared he was still hurting children, I struggled with his existence. Once he died, I realized that he was no longer a threat to me (not that he really was anymore), and it freed me up to just work on myself without having to fixate on his existence anymore. I found it rather freeing I guess.

[geez]

Thank you all for posting and sharing.

In a way I am happy that he's dead so he can't hurt any more children

However

I do feel I am robbed of confronting him. Perhaps I can go spit on his grave.

I don't want to be a bitter person but I have some obvious anger towards him and I want to express it in a meaningful poignant way. Not sure what that means for me right now.

Feeling sadness but there are no tears. I wish I could let go and cry.

I tried imagining what it would be like when I found him. I imagined I would call T shouting from my lungs "I found him!" I did call my T1 and told her in a message that "I found him, I found his name, thank you for everything thank you for your help"

I called my mom and told her and I had drinks with a few friends last night and told them (they didn't know my story or that I was looking for someone).

I emailed a friend who knew my 'story' and is happy I found him but understands how the fact that he died could be upsetting.

Processing all this.

I want to tell everyone I know but not sure how to do that yet. Once I let the words out I can't take them back. What better place than PC right?

Hope I can get an appointment with any previous T next week to discuss this. This is such a huge moment for me right now.

[Open Eyes]

geez, the important thing is that you have finally recognized who the guilty one is, who did wrong to "you" and you made the decision "not to be the victim anymore".
You have gotten past that frightened victim who held in emotion, didn't let herself feel emotions, to a person who is taking back "her" life.

I know this new T2 triggered you, but you got mad and have been standing your ground. That is actually a sign that you are now at a point where you "have a healthy sense of self worth" and are willing to stand up to others who show you disrespect.

So, the fact that this man has passed on, it may present a sense of loss, but it really isn't because you have found what you really need, you have taken back something that he threatened or damaged and that is much more important. And if you are so driven by a need to voice your anger, you can go to his grave and say anything you need to let out. After all, he cant go anywhere anymore right? You however CAN!

Open Eyes

((((geez)))) I am really happy for you! I understand how you can feel elated.

You took action and followed through! You found something that was "lost"...you found that impt piece...You took action for yourself That is definitely worth celebrating.

I hope you will be able to come up with some ideas with your T and that can make a new plan to see this through...

Please keep us posted.

Hugs,
R

[geez]

I'm feeling such a mix of emotions right now. I called marrige t and told her in a mesaage I am in crisis right now and I need help. If she cant see me then I need the name of someone who can or I can call t1 next week. I told her in the message I cant see t2 anymore. I can't trust her (t2).

geez, you can still write him that letter. You could go burn the letter on his grave, or dig a hole and bury the letter there on top of him so he has to keep the weight of it through eternity.

[Open Eyes]

(((geez))),

We are here, we are listening. Its ok if you don't quite know "how to feel" right now.
Try not to allow yourself to panick and instead give yourself permission to just let yourself set with this a bit. You are just having some emotional confusion, an that is actually normal when you begin to allow out some of the pent up anger.

((geez))) its ok, really, and if you need to vent here and write things out here you can too.

Ok, lets think about what anger is designed for ok? We have anger because what that emotion does is fill us with energy (power emotion) and it is really designed so that we can run, and even fight back. This is something you have tended to surpress because you didn't have a direction to expend it. But now it is coming out because you have been slowly allowing yourself to heal. What can you do with anger? Well, because it is a pushing energy emotion what you can do is "run" and burn it off geez.
You don't have to use it to defend right now, you can just take the energy it brings forward and use it other ways. Anger is meant to bring on a different kind of "heightened awareness" and what is happening right now is just that you simply don't know what to do with this kind of power surge.

So, it is perfectly fine to take this power surge and just burn it off geez. You don't have to "let it confuse you" when there is no one to use it against.

This is what you need to work on as emotions come forward and present the chemical response that gives your body the "fuel to respond". What you need to learn is that when you are not particularly in a "real" situation that requires "actual action" you are really just dealing with "an old situation" that is not happening now you just have to learn that you can develope ways to tell your body, oh, its ok "no emergency right now". This is something I am working on myself geez, so you are not alone ok?

You have been allowing anger to come out because you are finally gaining in your "healing" process. And some memories are coming forward and with that comes the emotions that you pushed away and you DID keep doing this for a long time.

But because you have PTSD what happens is that memories bubble to the surface and so do the emotions that match what your brain is recalling. So what happens if often the "emotions" just pop up first and can take you by surprise. So, what you have to learn is that when that happens you have to learn to let that wave of emotion happen, "observe" and then work on calming down and saying, this is what I am remembering and this is how I reacted and so I have to be aware of how they connect and that it doesn't mean I need to act on the emotions "now" or even be alarmed at the emotions when they bubble up.

geez, I know this is strange because usually we experience this when we feel a danger or problem in the present. This is what can lead to feeling, wow, what is happening to me it is scary and we can unknowingly "feed into and add to the chemical reaction that is already taking place".

So with anger coming forward, and the chemicals that produce "energy", you have to learn, it is ok, it is just me reacting to a memory or past experience that I am now allowing myself to feel angry about. So, I can just find something to do to burn off this extra energy coming forward. I can also just shout out or punch a pillow and release the anger until that reaction burns away and passes. Because geez, it "will" pass.

This is what is interwined with the T2 experience. She triggered you and it hit a deep nerve or reminder of "someone disrespecting your personal space". And you truely felt "disrespected and unheard". Unfortunately she didn't pick up on this, and that made you even more angry and even questioned her overall respect for you as a patient.

geez, I struggle with this myself and it "is" work to understand what this means. And this is also a challenge because often "other people" don't see this deep struggle, which in turn makes it even more of a challenge.

I have discribed it as an exposed wound that is very sensitive and anyone brushing up against it "truely aggrivates it and can set it off". Half the battle is "you recognizing it as well" so you can begin to work on it and slowly, consciously, calm it down and learn to control it. It sounds easy but it isn't and as I mentioned, it is important that other people, at least a T, can see it too and respect it and help you work on it where both you and the T feel safe to do so.

So, geez, just letting you know, "I hear you", and also to let you know, "you CAN learn to work this out on your own and not be so confused by it"

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[geez]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

geez, you can still write him that letter. You could go burn the letter on his grave, or dig a hole and bury the letter there on top of him so he has to keep the weight of it through eternity.

ACK!!! I didn't mean to make you cry!!!! Crap. HE carries the weight of it for eternity and NOT YOU!! You don't have to carry this weight any longer. You can give it back to the person who deserves it. That's what I was trying to say. I'm so sorry. I really didn't mean to make you cry.

[geez]

(((mkac))) I NEED TO CRY

Okay. Never mind then. GLAD I made you cry! sort of. not really. Glad I could help you cry? Ugh. No, that's not right either. Big hugs!

[Open Eyes]

(((My kids are cool))) Its ok, I think you have a good idea for geez.

geez, I am sorry that you don't have a direct path to closure right now. That desire if really strong geez, I have it too and for 5 years I have been waiting and jumping through hoops to get it and the whole time had to "keep quiet" and hold in an unbelievable amount of anger. It has been an awful experience for me because I have run into so many situations where I felt so completely invalidated.

This need for closure has been recognized for the vets that present with PTSD. And they designed a new program called "operation proper exit". They bring the vets back to where they were stationed and even where they lost friends or got taken away from where they were trying to fight and gain a way to rebuild too. And this has brought a lot of relief to these vets.

When I was growing up I can remember my father constantly watching anything that was on about WWII. I could not understand his facination with having to see it so much, to me it was just a bunch of men "killing" and "fighting". And just recently I finally realized what that meant to him. My father always wondered what happened to the men that he dropped off on the beach to go off and fight and he wanted to know what happened to other service men and even how things were restored etc.
He was constantly looking for "closure" in some way.

It is also very "normal" for all human beings to have a strong desire for "justice" too.
And when someone is struggling with PTSD, that desire is so strong and even very raw. And since I have been coming to PC alone, I have read so many posts of members wanting to confront whomever abused them in someway. They want to somehow also make an abusive parent have to sit and listen while they can say,
"you hurt me and abused me and I am angry and you are not a nice person". Or they may want to say, "someone hurt me and you were not there for me to protect me".
It could all kinds of different situations where someone was abused somehow and never got to say how much it hurt them.

What you need to understand geez is that at least you are at this point where you are expressing this strong desire. You have finally gotten to a point where you can not only identify the person who hurt you, but you realize "it was not your fault" and that you "have the right to express your anger about it".

When an abuser "dies" and that step is not there anymore, we do have to grieve that too. And often it doesn't even have to be that someone died either. I have spoken up to my father (recently) and told him what happened to me as a child and all he did was say,"that was a long time ago, and kid stuff, I can do anything about that now".
Wow, talk about a major let down for me.

And I am in a lawsuit where I have had to shut up for years and wait and watch my neighbor carry on like not big deal too. And wow, I feel like I am never going to get closure and be able to express what his families carelessness did to my life. And I am still paying on the bills and caring for the crippled animals that was all created by his not fixing his electric containment system for three months, knowing that his dog was getting on my property and harassing my horses/ and ponies at night while I was sleeping. I see them constantly every day and I have to keep silent.

So geez, I can totally relate to how you feel right now. And it is ok to cry too, because you need to be able to grieve too. And these emotions have been held in for a long time, so you have to finally allow yourself to just grieve.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[geez]

((MKAC)) I don't know why but the fact that he is dead and buried set something off in me and I cried when I read your statement about him being buried. I've been waiting to cry so I needed that. I would like to find his grave and 'visit him'. I would also like to find out what he died from. He died last year at the age of 47 (he's 8 years older than me). Ironically his birthday was June 8th mine is June 7th. I'm guessing his death would be from a drug overdose because he was so young.

Sometime today I should be hearing from one of my 'person' who works in the prison system. I found out online he's been to prison and has a criminal record but I would like to find out what for.

I was able to get some self care today. I called my FIL and he took my 3yr old for a couple hours while I had some alone time. I went to the gym and ran three miles along with doing some weights etc...
Tomorrow I am running 14miles in preparation for the marathon I'm scheduled to run in November (26.2 miles).

Not sure if I mentioned it earlier but I called my marriage T and left a message. I told her I'm in crisis and I need to talk to someone but I can't talk to T2 because I can't trust her (plus she's on vacation). I need help.

I'm thinking about calling T1 again (I left a message saying I found him and thank you) only this time telling her I need to see her. My goal is to see marriage T first to figure all this out and come up with a plan before I initiate therapy with anyone going from this point forward.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

(((My kids are cool))) Its ok, I think you have a good idea for geez.

geez, I am sorry that you don't have a direct path to closure right now. That desire if really strong geez, I have it too and for 5 years I have been waiting and jumping through hoops to get it and the whole time had to "keep quiet" and hold in an unbelievable amount of anger. It has been an awful experience for me because I have run into so many situations where I felt so completely invalidated.

This need for closure has been recognized for the vets that present with PTSD. And they designed a new program called "operation proper exit". They bring the vets back to where they were stationed and even where they lost friends or got taken away from where they were trying to fight and gain a way to rebuild too. And this has brought a lot of relief to these vets.

When I was growing up I can remember my father constantly watching anything that was on about WWII. I could not understand his facination with having to see it so much, to me it was just a bunch of men "killing" and "fighting". And just recently I finally realized what that meant to him. My father always wondered what happened to the men that he dropped off on the beach to go off and fight and he wanted to know what happened to other service men and even how things were restored etc.
He was constantly looking for "closure" in some way.

It is also very "normal" for all human beings to have a strong desire for "justice" too.
And when someone is struggling with PTSD, that desire is so strong and even very raw. And since I have been coming to PC alone, I have read so many posts of members wanting to confront whomever abused them in someway. They want to somehow also make an abusive parent have to sit and listen while they can say,
"you hurt me and abused me and I am angry and you are not a nice person". Or they may want to say, "someone hurt me and you were not there for me to protect me".
It could all kinds of different situations where someone was abused somehow and never got to say how much it hurt them.

What you need to understand geez is that at least you are at this point where you are expressing this strong desire. You have finally gotten to a point where you can not only identify the person who hurt you, but you realize "it was not your fault" and that you "have the right to express your anger about it".

When an abuser "dies" and that step is not there anymore, we do have to grieve that too. And often it doesn't even have to be that someone died either. I have spoken up to my father (recently) and told him what happened to me as a child and all he did was say,"that was a long time ago, and kid stuff, I can do anything about that now".
Wow, talk about a major let down for me.

And I am in a lawsuit where I have had to shut up for years and wait and watch my neighbor carry on like not big deal too. And wow, I feel like I am never going to get closure and be able to express what his families carelessness did to my life. And I am still paying on the bills and caring for the crippled animals that was all created by his not fixing his electric containment system for three months, knowing that his dog was getting on my property and harassing my horses/ and ponies at night while I was sleeping. I see them constantly every day and I have to keep silent.

So geez, I can totally relate to how you feel right now. And it is ok to cry too, because you need to be able to grieve too. And these emotions have been held in for a long time, so you have to finally allow yourself to just grieve.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

Open I can relate to everything you wrote... AND I'm so sorry your father reacted the way he did. MINE TOO! also reacted the same way when I asked him for help "that's negative... i don't want to think about that" etc.

Thank you all so much for listening to my story. I'm sure processing all this is going to take some time. I have had the worst headache all day today.

[geez]

I heard back from Marriage T and I have an appointment with her on Tuesday at 7pm to discuss the whole thing about my decision to leave T2 and what I need out of therapy for direction and a therapist.

I haven't mentioned anything about finding my abuser.
One thing at a time.

((((geez)))) that is really good news. I am glad to know you will be able to speak with your T. You have been through a lot, and you are so bright ... truly amazing.

Please take extra good care of yourself and be gentle with yourself right now...one thing at a time is a fine way to go about things. Tues will be here as quick as the wind.

Please continue to post and reach out as much as you like here, as well. You have lots of support. We care and are on your side. We are rooting for you!

Hugs, Rose

[geez]

Been coping through exercise until my appointment. Exercise is a great way to get rid of the 'energy'. Did well with my 14 mile training run. Today it's the bike and some weight training. I have lots of anger right now.

((((geez)))) sounds as if you are doing all the right things to take good care of you ... that deserves at least a dozen hugs and "really good job" xx R