i need to know

i need to know what was done to me and i need to know now. i need to know what did or didnt happen and if it was my dad. this is ruining my life. i cant handle it anymore. i have no idea what to do. i feel like all my options are risky and might not even get me an answer. every day it gets harder and harder to function because of the uncertainty. i cant wait anymore for the "right time". its gone on long enough. why cant i just know. why cant i just work up the courage and not worry about what will happen to my family if i ask. i hate my life right now. i dont know how to live in it anymore.

Who are you going to ask if you don't mind me asking?

my dad. i suspect and have weird feelings that something happened but i have no memory of anything besides inappropriate boundaries but i have this feeling and other "signs/symptoms" that point to something else happening. just dont know for sure

do you have siblings? maybe it would be safer to start there? I've lost the majority of my memories from 6 to 12 and talking to my siblings told me way more about what was going on in family than talking to my parents...totally different versions of life.

I second the sibling thing, if possible. I had a weird feeling about my uncle. Turns out, so did my sister, and she remembered details that I didn't. I should probably talk to some of my cousins too.

I understand. I wish I remembered more. Which is a horrible thing to say, but I would rather KNOW. I want more concrete memories. I don't want to feel like I'm half making things up or just feeling weird because I'm just somehow defective. UGH.

I'll third the sibling thing. My sisters told me something I thought that I was making up about my mom was actually true. I had convinced myself that not even MY mom was capable of doing THAT.

Also, my aunt has confirmed some of the things that I remembered only bits and pieces of actually happened, and filled in the holes a little bit. I had a bad dream over and over, for instance, and my aunt confirmed that the dream was real and gave me a little more information about the situation.

I do not think a direct conversation with the abuser would be productive, necessarily. My mother was actually taunt me about me being 'crazy' for thinking that certain things had happened. "Oh you were SO abused" in a mean, sarcastic tone, with a big eye roll was a pretty standard response to any attempt to discuss the actual abuse. My dad, on the other hand, felt really badly about how they had treated us and would discuss it. So, I guess it just depends on whether you think the person is emotionally healthy enough to deal with you honestly and can face what they have done. My dad was; I don't think that my mother EVER will be.

Sorry to be so vague. Trying to keep from triggering anyone.

i do have one sister who is 4yrs younger than me and I have talked to her about it. some of my dads behavior bothers her as well (inappropriate comments, walking through the house nude when we were growing up, etc)
she doesnt remember anything more than that but the time i think something would have happened or the feeling of a timeframe i get.....she would've been just a baby. i did once a few months ago ask my mom if there was a change anything ever happened to me when i was younger (just in genreal...not pinpointing my dad) and she was shocked i asked and more concerned if it meant H and I were getting divorced. sooooo im not really sure what other path to take aside from my dad himself or just doing nothing.