[marytriquetra]

From I was 7 until was 11 I was sexually abused by my grandfather. It still upsets me and sometimes I find myself crying for very long periods, sometimes to the point that I am sick, but I have no one to go to. My parents don't know. my grandfather is dead, and they wouldn't believe me if I did tell them, it would only hurt them. A couple of my friends know, but I can't speak about it to people face to face. If I try to I just end up crying or shaking or stopping speaking altogether from an inability to speak any more

More than that, now I'm worried that I am becoming two separate people. My life is very contained and controlled and I constantly feel pressured and stressed, although I don't believe anyone notices or cares. My family don't believe in 'emotions', my father in particular, he'd tell me to wise up and get a grip if tried to talk about how I felt and my mum would tell me to pray to a god i don't believe in. I feel as if there is something boiling up inside me, stifled and hunched over, contained inside my flesh. I need to let it out, but I'm afraid of what it will do.

There is the me that everyone sees, and then there is the creature inside me. It frightens me. it needs power and freedom and wildness and passion and rage all the time and it never stops trying to get them, but I as a person am reserved and forced to be polite and careful and responsible and rational. Society expects certain things, but the thing inside me needs to scream for no reason and cry for the sake of it, needs to punch the wall until my fist bleeds and click my back and neck to the point where I feel it might break. I am part of this other thing, and it part of me, but it is not all me, I don't understand it and it feels so real, but I know it is not. help, I don't know what to do

[Leed]

Hi ~ When does your school start? Are you stilll in school or have you graduated? Here, there are counselors in every school and the kids can talk to them when they have problems. Perhaps you could talk to your counselor about the abuse. They would definitely be able to help you and it would be confidential. At least it would be someone to talk to!!! I would suggest a professional therapist, but without telling your parents, I doubt you could get them to take you to one, correct?

You DO need to talk to someone, so try talking to the school counselor. I'm sure it would help SOME, as it would be an outlet for you. And I'm sure it would help. Please keep us posted, will you? We do care about you. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[struggling2]

Originally Posted by alinaself

There is the me that everyone sees, and then there is the creature inside me. It frightens me. it needs power and freedom and wildness and passion and rage all the time and it never stops trying to get them, but I as a person am reserved and forced to be polite and careful and responsible and rational. Society expects certain things, but the thing inside me needs to scream for no reason and cry for the sake of it, needs to punch the wall until my fist bleeds and click my back and neck to the point where I feel it might break. I am part of this other thing, and it part of me, but it is not all me, I don't understand it and it feels so real, but I know it is not. help, I don't know what to do

Hi Alinaself,
I can very much relate to the section I quoted. On the outside you look and act very different than how you feel on the inside and eventually it just gets bigger and bigger until you cant contain it anymore. Im sorry you had to go through what you went through. Just letting you know that you are not alone in how you feel. Hang in there!

Struggling

[skeksi]

The thing inside you is all the emotions you have about the abuse that you haven't been able to express safely. You know you are having trouble dealing with the fallout from these experiences. When school starts, I encourage you to talk to a teacher or counselor. The abuse is over and your grandfather has died, but you are still being haunted by the trauma. A counselor at school will be able to help you decide how to get the appropriate help.

In the meantime, you can also call ChildLine to talk: 0800 1111. I switched out the previous resource as it was US-specific and I just saw you are in the UK!

[Sannah]

In the UK you can get on a wait list for therapy by going through your gp.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by alinaself

From I was 7 until was 11 I was sexually abused by my grandfather. It still upsets me and sometimes I find myself crying for very long periods, sometimes to the point that I am sick, but I have no one to go to. My parents don't know. my grandfather is dead, and they wouldn't believe me if I did tell them, it would only hurt them. A couple of my friends know, but I can't speak about it to people face to face. If I try to I just end up crying or shaking or stopping speaking altogether from an inability to speak any more

More than that, now I'm worried that I am becoming two separate people.

There is the me that everyone sees, and then there is the creature inside me. It frightens me.

Society expects certain things, but the thing inside me needs to scream for no reason and cry for the sake of it, needs to punch the wall until my fist bleeds and click my back and neck to the point where I feel it might break. I am part of this other thing, and it part of me, but it is not all me, I don't understand it and it feels so real, but I know it is not. help, I don't know what to do

I feel similarly. I want to run, kick, scream, cry, swear, RAGE!!!!! esp at my aunt! I am having memories and I want to k*** a woman who is already dead! (not acting on feelings, but I identify with these feelings).

I am noticing that I explode from time to time because I don't know yet how to express my anger. I usually walk on the beach, but that's hard when I am sick and shut in.

From *day one* society expected me to be a good little saint and never even asked me if I had been abused; had to figure everything out myself and in lay support groups! Thank goodness for PC and support groups!

I identify, too, with feeling like 2 of me---rational, sensible Billi and this other "creature/monster".

thanks,

Billi

[rosesarered]

I still feel that way too. Only my monster is a terrified little kid who needs rescuing.
I don't feel very much anger about what happened to me, which makes me feel like
there is something very wrong with me....but half of me is scared all the time, in a
horrendous amount of pain and just looking for somewhere to be put back together.
Even with therapy and support, I am still alone with all these feelings.
I have realized it is my burden. To carry or to let go.
Except I don't know who I am without this other part.
And she is so broken I don't know if she'll ever get put back together.

I hope that doesn't happen to you, and I hope that someday, somehow, some way,
you'll find a way to combine these two parts of who you are and that all your anger
and hurt can find some peace and healing.

[marytriquetra]

Originally Posted by billi_leli

I feel similarly. I want to run, kick, scream, cry, swear, RAGE!!!!! esp at my aunt! I am having memories and I want to k*** a woman who is already dead! (not acting on feelings, but I identify with these feelings).

I am noticing that I explode from time to time because I don't know yet how to express my anger. I usually walk on the beach, but that's hard when I am sick and shut in.

From *day one* society expected me to be a good little saint and never even asked me if I had been abused; had to figure everything out myself and in lay support groups! Thank goodness for PC and support groups!

I identify, too, with feeling like 2 of me---rational, sensible Billi and this other "creature/monster".

thanks,

Billi

I know it sucks doesn't it? Where i live the weather is always rainy and cold, so walking outside on the beach isn't really a good option for me!! But everything you just said is how I feel, I'm glad that someone can relate but I wish that none of us had to. We are all here for eachother now

Alina x

[marytriquetra]

Originally Posted by rosesarered

I still feel that way too. Only my monster is a terrified little kid who needs rescuing.
I don't feel very much anger about what happened to me, which makes me feel like
there is something very wrong with me....but half of me is scared all the time, in a
horrendous amount of pain and just looking for somewhere to be put back together.
Even with therapy and support, I am still alone with all these feelings.
I have realized it is my burden. To carry or to let go.
Except I don't know who I am without this other part.
And she is so broken I don't know if she'll ever get put back together.

I hope that doesn't happen to you, and I hope that someday, somehow, some way,
you'll find a way to combine these two parts of who you are and that all your anger
and hurt can find some peace and healing.

I'm sorry to hear you still suffer too It is the worst thing a person could go through as a child, even now I am not afraid of death, but I am afraid of ever being used and controlled that way ever again. That is what I fear above all else. If you ever need to talk you know I will understand, so send me a wee message if you need anything. Maybe here, all of us together can get through it

[rosesarered]

Originally Posted by alinaself

I'm sorry to hear you still suffer too It is the worst thing a person could go through as a child, even now I am not afraid of death, but I am afraid of ever being used and controlled that way ever again. That is what I fear above all else. If you ever need to talk you know I will understand, so send me a wee message if you need anything. Maybe here, all of us together can get through it

Thanks :-)
You can feel free to do the same if you ever need to talk

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I am online often. I don't go to chat, but I do pm's. I am not doing the friending thing, but I do pms.

I can be available for support.

Billi