[minefield]

ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH

It was my Dad's birthday so went went out for a meal and carried on drinking with him until the early hours. He asked me why I never tell him or mum about being raped.... I replied that there was no point the only result would be that they would be hurt and it wont change anything for me. I said I know that they love the bones on me and would move the world for me if you could... bless my Dad said 'We have and we always will'. Then I told him that they are not acessable emotionally, we just don't have that type of relationship. I know nothing about them and I learnt more about them over the last couple of days in terms of their past, thoughts and feelings that I ever have before. This then lead him to discuss what it was like for him when his Dad left for America when he was aged 11 and was told he would be sent for but never was. He has never talked about this before on a real level ever!!!!!

Then......

He told me that there was a lot of dark history in our family in terms of people going to prison, homosexuality, scandelous behaviour and we even have a child molester in the family and he plans to write a book one day.

I have never told them about my summer of abuse aged 9 by a member of my Mums family. My heart fell out of my stomach and I felt sick...... it runs in the genes of my Mum and Dad's family it runs within my blood, thickly within my blood. He didn't and would not tell me anymore information or who it was he just placed that wall right back up. I am numb I don't know how to process this information at all what are these secrets in my history I am never going to find out unless my Dad writes this book and what damage will this cause to me its a ticking time bomb and now it is never going to go away.

I am not sure what I am asking from you guys... but Arrrggghhhh I am freaking and need input from someone else to move or change this weirdness crawling through me. I am not sure what I am going to do, I don't know how to handle this knowledge or what it even means

[Open Eyes]

(((minefield))),

Well, you got an ear full from your dad that you didn't expect. I can see why you feel that something bad must be in your family genetics. But you have to understand dear that it is not "just genetics" involved with people who do bad things to others. Alot of this comes from how people are raised and even exposed to early childhood abuse.

Sweetheart, you need to go back in general history so you can allow yourself to see that often families practiced incest and even married within families. It was also not unusual for people to be married and have sexual partners on the side somewhere.
There was also murder done to family members just for power as well. We have come a long way in being "somewhat more civilized" than not so very long ago.

It is also no secret that often when parents get old, the children often fight over possessions and money and it is amazing what people will do when it comes to money. While your father "could" write a book, so could many and if people really talked about "family secrets" it would be pretty alarming how much goes on behind closed doors. Now more than ever many people "do" talk and there is more awareness of the many "bad" things that really take place.

So please, don't just think that it is only "your family genetics" that are "bad" somehow. That would not be true to the reality of the many families that have some bad skeletons they hide behind some kind of facade of "squeeky clean appearances".

I am sorry that you had to experience being raped, unfortunately you are also not alone in that experience, thousands of females get raped each year, some very young and innocent.

What you can do for yourself is work on healing and knowing you are worthy to do so.
Know that you do not have to partake in the bad out in this world of the many that do harmful things to others. Humanity is far from perfect.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[LouR]

Hi Minefield
You know I understand what your saying my friend it is only in the last 10-20 years that people are open and talk about and share experiences and realise that things that are not acceptable in some families are really not okay.
Personally for a long time most of my life I thought that it was normal for a mother to be jealous of her daughter and belittle her everyday to make herself feel good then I found out that I was not the only child to have been through this and that there were support groups and multiple books written about it. Yet being a mother myself I have never felt that way about my own children
I realised in my teens that grand dads aren't suppose to sexually abuse their grand children when they are young because it society had lifted the taboo of talking about paedophilia and incest.
I think your Dad is from that generation that keeps what happens behinds close doors...private.
The more evolved the human race becomes we seem to learn from our mistakes and verbalise it to prevent things happening in the future generations because we are OPEN.
I hope this helps a wee bit

[minefield]

Hello,

thank you for your replies it has helped me to find a sencible way of thinking on this, it is true taboo's are dangerous in the way it is forbidden to talk or think about. To be viewed as shame!! To keep quiet, put a face on to the world and take it with a stiff upper lip. Our age of information if both liberating and scary. To learn and commit to change opposed repertition to grow and evolve. This is exactly what i need to do and to think towards my recovery and you hit the nail on the head, I don't see myself worthy somehow using this as proof I was meant to be punished it was ordained in fate to pay for the sins of the past. Even as I type this I see just how rediculous it sounds and I would knock another on the head and tell them not to be so silly. Yet I feel it all the same, it is madness. If only practice was as easy as knowing and as simple to grasp.

[JLarissaDragon]

I know a little bit about how you must feel. I am dealing with rape and abuse that occurred when I was still a child. It is really a struggle sometimes in its own right. I suppose in the end it is better to know and deal with it than to remain in the dark and have it sprung on you broadside

Hugs and I am pulling for you
Larissa