It's tough but has to be done

avoice · Sep 11, 2012, 10:03 AM

Well here goes I started seeing a t have seen her three times. I know it's going to be a journey to recovery. But it has to be done so wish me luck. I don't know what lies ahead. I know my father went to prison in march of 2006. For all the sexual abuse he caused. But took a plea two counts of abuse. Right when I was twelve I ran away from home to get away. With hopes to get him and for me to be free from him. But back than it was hard for the system to believe us. I tried my hardest. They did keep me away from my home. Putting me in foster's home. I pretty much ran away from them all. There was something about me that was never gonna give up. I think when I turned 17 he moved to California. With my step family. 4 boys and my little sister that was a bad thing. I lost connect with them all like he went into hiding. Sure enough a decade went by. One day i got a phone call from a private I that said he had abuse my sis. She had turned him in. I gave a statement well he got away again. Time went on he got re married. Had a boy and another girl I knew something was gonna happen i worried so much. Sure enough he abused her. another decade went buy the same thing happen she turned him in. Well this time they got him but only with 6 years. So that day is coming up in march. I have to make peace within myself. And please don't ask me to forgive him for what he did to me. I just won't do that. But for me I will go on some way not sure how yet. Or what lies ahead of me. I do know it's gonna be real tough for me. And a lot of tears will come out i'm scared to death of mite come out. Who will I be and what will make of me. That's all for now

Sep 11, 2012, 10:22 AM

I'm so sorry

I hope he stays far away from you...
I will not suggest you forgive in this case, as I believe they should not be treated as humans (IMO) Sorry... It is a Hot Button issue for me.

Keep posting and I hope you are okay

junkDNA · Sep 11, 2012, 10:32 AM

avoice- it takes a lot of courage to speak out about abuse. u should be very proud of urself for that accomplishment.

JLarissaDragon · Sep 11, 2012, 10:35 AM

I am so sorry this happened. I was raped by my brothers friends when I was 14 and more than 20 years later I still struggle with forgiving him. Given my way these people would be neutered and locked up for life.

Regardless of whether a pig like this has messed with your life you are a precious human being, who deserves love and to be treated with respect. Be good to yourself and care for yourself. I know that all of this hurts. Many of us are here for you

love

Larissa

Leed · Sep 11, 2012, 02:50 PM

I agree with the others honey. He should be castrated and thrown in a pit with pigs.

You however deserve to be loved and cared for, and treated with respect just like JLarissaDragon said! You are perfect in God's eyes and in ours too. Take care of yourself sweetie, and God bless. Hugs, Lee

Open Eyes · Sep 11, 2012, 03:24 PM

(((Avoice))),

I will never tell you to "forgive" that man. You deserve to heal "inspite of him". You deserve to get back to "your life" and grow past this. And we will be here to support you while you do just that.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

avoice · Sep 11, 2012, 04:17 PM

Was having a pretty good day when i goole my father and saw what someone wrote now i'm all upset about it. if you want to read it here's the link don't think it's a trigger at all http://www.topix.com/forum/county/sa...6HSP7#lastPost

Trippin2.0 · Sep 11, 2012, 04:36 PM

You're 1 strong lady, and you should be commended for it

We're here, rooting for you all the way

avoice · Sep 12, 2012, 09:36 AM

Thinking I want to just shut down know. Done this so many times shut down. in all the rehab i'v been to. I never talk much when i went for Eating Disorder i go numb. And yes i know i get in chat and babble all the time. But when it comes to a hard topic i freeze. The reason I named my self avoice was because i wanted to be able to get that little voice back that i lost as a child. It makes me mad when someone that has never met me write something on the internet what they think of us.

Open Eyes · Sep 12, 2012, 11:57 AM

((((Avoice))),

I am sorry that you experience other people misunderstanding you and poking at your pain. I get that myself and I always struggle with it and I get very frustrated.

People often do not understand how someone can be so strong and independant sometimes and yet have a lot of hurt inside as well. I get that alllll the time.
What I "can" tell you is that if you finally open up and address that child in a "safe" environment where you can be validated and even respected for what strength you did manage to gain in your life, it will help you heal.

I can relate to that feeling of just wanting to sometimes shut down for a while. I fight against that feeling everyday. And I can't seem to explain it to my family either without feeling frustrated or that I am only going to make things worse for myself.

You have every right to be angry and want justice and to be validated as much as you need. And you also have every right to "heal" as well and be loved and love yourself inspite of the bad that happened to that little girl who had no way of truely protecting herself.

I understand the challenge avoice, I am on that journey myself and it is such a challenge, I hear you. You are not alone, I didn't have the same history but I have a very troubling history myself.

(((Gentle kind hugs from me to you avoice))))
Open Eyes

Trippin2.0 · Sep 12, 2012, 12:03 PM

Your desire to find your voice, that alone speaks volumes of your courage... Its hard to not let people get to you, especially on a subject so intensely pesonal and traumatic, but I urge you to try and remember this: They dont know you, they weren't there. They didnt see your wounds or hear your tears fall. They didnt see you scrounge around trying to gather all the pieces off the floor. Most importantly:they DONT matter, YOU DO! DONT allow them to invalidate your suffering 1 bit!

eskielover · Sep 13, 2012, 10:57 PM

I hope that you will be able to truly process this some day.....I am sure that it's deep at the bottom of your ED issues......there have been many studies done on ED's & most have some sort of abuse or issues way far back in the growing up years that the ED stems from........mostly something that you had no control over......& control becomes the driving force for the ED....one of the few things you can find that you can have control over in your life.

I am so sorry that the idiot responded in that way, not even knowing anything about you or the rest of your family.......& I am in agreement....I think that the worst possible punishment needs to be applied that is appropriate to their crime & not just 6 years in jail.

I am so sorry you had to go through it & so did your half sisters.....what a horrible experience for all of you......maybe some day you can all get together & help each other process the horrible things that your father caused you to deal with in your lives

Sending you lots of gentle

's & a lot of understanding & proud that you have been able to speak out about this

avoice · Sep 20, 2012, 07:52 AM

wish i would have amnesia and forget all the life i have remember no one. and nothing that happen to me. I need amnesia please someone.

avoice · Sep 30, 2012, 05:03 PM

Jesus take the wheel I can't or won't do this. To many memories I can't tell if i'm actually in the past or present anymore. This actually happen to me?????????????????????????????

Trippin2.0 · Oct 01, 2012, 10:00 AM

will be

for you dear friend...

eskielover · Oct 06, 2012, 02:09 AM

Your T needs to provide you some grounding techniques if you are going in this direction....not good to go where you are going without skills for support along with a good support network in place........

Gr3tta · Oct 07, 2012, 11:41 PM

hoping you feel present and safe and now.

avoice · Oct 09, 2012, 06:58 PM

I want to quit. Why rehash it? i'm still alive i lived through so leave it at that.

perseverance11 · Oct 09, 2012, 07:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by avoice

Well here goes I started seeing a t have seen her three times. I know it's going to be a journey to recovery. But it has to be done so wish me luck. I don't know what lies ahead. I know my father went to prison in march of 2006. For all the sexual abuse he caused. But took a plea two counts of abuse. Right when I was twelve I ran away from home to get away. With hopes to get him and for me to be free from him. But back than it was hard for the system to believe us. I tried my hardest. They did keep me away from my home. Putting me in foster's home. I pretty much ran away from them all. There was something about me that was never gonna give up. I think when I turned 17 he moved to California. With my step family. 4 boys and my little sister that was a bad thing. I lost connect with them all like he went into hiding. Sure enough a decade went by. One day i got a phone call from a private I that said he had abuse my sis. She had turned him in. I gave a statement well he got away again. Time went on he got re married. Had a boy and another girl I knew something was gonna happen i worried so much. Sure enough he abused her. another decade went buy the same thing happen she turned him in. Well this time they got him but only with 6 years. So that day is coming up in march. I have to make peace within myself. And please don't ask me to forgive him for what he did to me. I just won't do that. But for me I will go on some way not sure how yet. Or what lies ahead of me. I do know it's gonna be real tough for me. And a lot of tears will come out i'm scared to death of mite come out. Who will I be and what will make of me. That's all for now

If I understand, you are sad about all the abuses that were done on you and on your family and in March, you will remember that like it was yesterday because it happened in March?

I hope you are safe right now.

I wish you the best!

avoice · Oct 10, 2012, 07:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by perseverance11

If I understand, you are sad about all the abuses that were done on you and on your family and in March, you will remember that like it was yesterday because it happened in March?

I hope you are safe right now.

I wish you the best!

He went to prison in march of 07 gets out march of 2013. I'm so not ready for that day..

melstar · Oct 10, 2012, 11:50 AM

Avoice,

I remember the day my father got out of prison. I remember it like it was yesterday. I freaked out. And that was nearly 5 years ago, (coming up in a week or so). I wanted to make sure that no matter where he went that he wasn't going to hurt any more children like he hurt me. I knew that if he moved by his parents he would be close to lots of neices and nephews and if he moved by his kids he would be by soon to be grand children so I didn't know what to do. I had to work through it with my therapist, I even had a talk with him and let him know what my thoughts were and how concerned I was for all the children in his life. It took me a long time to accept that the parents were going to protect their children from this child molester. And I did what I needed to do which was inform who needed to know that he was a registered sex offender. I found out this weekend that he still has 'those' feelings when he holds his grand children so he can't hold his grand children any more. But he was honest about that and told the parents about these feelings, so he was protecting the child involved and himself, but that still worries me because he is as I feared 'not cured'.

My point being is that you have every right to be worried and scared. Keep working with your therapist and even right out what your concerns are so that you can address them. Because YOU are IMPORTANT. And YOUR FEELINGS are IMPORTANT. Best of luck.

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