It's all a lie. All of it.

I'm done trying to make sense of my life. I give up. It's just a huge lie. What's worst is everyone that was a part of my life growing up was part of it. They all lied to me. All of them. They all pretended nothing happened, for him. She (my "mom") didnt even divorce him. She begged the judge to keep him out of jail. Why didn't she give a s*** about me? I was just a baby, why did they all hate me so much? I had to visit my grandparents every weekend growing up...the ones that hired a bunch of lawyers and tried to keep him out of jail. The ones that always seemed to hate me. They probably blamed me for it too. Maybe I should apologize for ever existing. The good news is that now I know better than to trust anyone ever again.

I'm trying to get into an EMT program this spring. Before that I need to get a few shots and my shot record from when I was really little is all screwed up. I asked my mom about it and she said they had to delay a lot of the shots because doctors were worried about potential brain swelling...because of him. It's just another lie.
A question on one of the forms I have to fill out is if I get migraines or not. I probably shouldn't mention that I get an average of 3-5 a week likely because of all this.

I guess I'm the liar now.

They're doing a very detailed background check too. Will that show up? Will they not let me in the program if it does? They probably will think I can't handle it. I've already been told on another forum that its a stretch to think that I can handle that kind of career with my history. No one seems to think I can do this. Maybe I can't.

I guess there is one truth in all this...the fact that I never had a f***ing chance.

Sometimes we all have to reinvent ourselves, or find ourselves again. Who are we? Who do we want to be? That's up to us to decide, nobody else. As for the truth, you know what you know, and people can say what they want, it doesn't change that truth!

Surround yourself with people you can trust. They exist, you just need to be wary of users and people who play headgames, as we all do. Nobody is perfect at figuring this out, it is a skill to be learned.

We all have to give ourselves a chance. What I mean is recognizing we are worth it, we deserve it, we can still have it. It can be damn hard.

((( Nemo ))) I believe in you.

---- people who say you can't do it. Listen to people who'll tell you how you CAN do it.

Sounds like applying for this EMT program is triggering you. Keep us posted on how you are doing?

It might be. Honestly I expected it to a little bit...I eventually want to be a flight medic partly because that's what saved my life as a baby. I'm nowhere near loving life but there must be some reason I'm still alive today. I just feel drawn to it a bit. Part of why I want to be a paramedic is because I'm already so used to medical stuff, from growing up taking care of my mom and seeing my brother in hospitals and doctors offices all the time. So I knew it would get to me on some level...but not this much and not this soon.
I think once I'm in the program a lot of the worries will go away though, since most of what's bothering me is related to if they'll let me in. As far as how that's bringing up all the other stuff...I guess I just have to deal with it.

I work with many people in the medical professions that have chronic migraine. It did not stop them from having the career of their choice. Your family is a big pile of c r a p. You are better than them. You didn't deserve any of this.

Don't worry that your background will prevent you from becoming an EMT or paramedic. If you had drug convictions, or violent crimes it would be a different story. But you have overcome much, and you deserve to get into the program. Having a useless family is not a strike against YOU its a strike against THEM.

HUGS and I LOVE YOU

I think that it would be good for you to be an EMT. You are right, you survived for a reason. You were meant to be a part of this world and you can make it worthwhile. You know the truth from your past and let them be the liars, it is their guilt not yours. Your past won't show up on a background check unless YOU have a criminal history. You will do fine once you get past the stress and anxiety. This might very well be your calling in life. Go for it and be happy. Keep us posted. Best wishes and I will be thinking about you.

Dysfunctional families make us feel negative things about ourselves that are not true. My father repeatedly called me a ***** and a piece of crap, and if it had been for my family I would have gone nowhere. Their continual criticism made me ultimately so mad that I was determined to prove them wrong at any cost.

You do not need to believe any of the negative stuff that you carried from the past. You are much better than that and deserve to be successful. And with regards to migraines, plenty of people who have them hold very responsible and demanding positions in life. In fact there are many laws that prevent employers from using information like that in determining who gets into a program or gets hired.

The bottom line is -- go for the best. You are capable and deserving

Hugs and love
Larissa