[OliversTwisted94]

So, let me just say that my Sister and I have never gotten along. Our personalities are COMPLETELY different. That much is totally normal. She is about four years older than I am, but still of a much smaller stature. She is 23 now, and I am almost 19.
That aside, I'll try to make this history as brief as possible.

When my sister was around 8 or 9, and I was around 4 or 5, I remember very clearly that I could NEVER have anything of my own. If we got toys , toiletries, or even blankets and towels, my mother actually had to label them with our initials, or she would take them from me the minute she got a chance. This didn't change over time; everything I got, she would take it from me. And then, even if I KNEW that a toy was mine, and she very clearly hadn't even received a similar toy, she would get mad at me and be really mean to me if I tried to get it back.

As we grew up, things pretty mush stayed the same; her taking my stuff and keeping it. The only difference lay in the way she acted towards me as time went on. Instead of just calling me names like "butt-head" and "stupid", as she got into her teenage years, she discovered the wonderful art of using cuss words (I'm rolling my eyes right now). It went from "stupid" to "dumbass"; from "ugly" to "fat-*** horse". Of course, she only whipped out these names when our mom wasn't around; and she started to become physically violent as well.

By the time I was 10, and she was 14, she started to show signs of mental illness. She was eventually diagnosed as having Bipolar Disorder, Bulimia, and alcohol/drug abuse problems. But over the next four years or so, she started to get really nasty towards me. She would tell me things like "My life would be better if you were never born! You are so spoiled and everyone ignores me because you're around!!!". She loved to manipulate situations, too; if she started to beat the S**T outta me because I said something like "Oh my GOD, just relax and leave me alone! You're acting crazing!" (or sometimes for no apparent reason at all), I got really scared. She is a very scary person, even to this day. When she got angry with me or something I did (i.e.- she always bribed me to do her chores with stuff like crappy makeup that she didn't want anymore- which, of course, was still cool to a little teeny bopper like me, who didn't have any of my own makeup. Then, when she brought the massive stack of dirty dishes out of her bedroom and they were all caked with week old food, I just couldn't scrub them clean; and she would flip out at me for not doing the dishes well enough), she just got this warped, twisted look on her face, and I knew that it was time to run like hell. If I couldn't get away fast enough, I was in for a good fight- unless I could manage to push her away. Then, I would run into a room and lock the door. If I could get away safely, I always tried; I didn't try to fight back unless there was no choice. Either way, when I left the room to hide somewhere she was always- ALWAYS- standing up when I left. But then after a half hour or so, I would check to see where she was. If we were home alone together, she was waiting on the other side of the door; just like Tom waiting for Jerry by the mouse hole in the wall. If someone else was home, by this time she would have lied on the floor, and start with the over-dramatic fake crying and whining. She would claim that I was the one who attacked her. And she had support from my mother for a little while. The other things that my Sister would do, would be to go on masses binges; and then, when my mom saw that a weeks worth of food went missing in a day, my sister said that it was me. In both instances, she used my weight as an advantage; who would you believe- a fat girl who said than a scrawny, thin girl hurt her; or a thin girl who said that a big lummox knocked her over? A fat girl who claimed that she wasn't the one eating everything in sight; or a thin girl who said that the fat girl did it? This kind of manipulation went on for a few months, and only stopped when my sister was finally hospitalized for her behaviors, and they caught her in the act, per say, of a binge and purge cycle, and brought it to my mom's attention. And even after that, the violence didn't stop. She became really good at only attacking me when no one else was looking, and then feigning injury and running "to be saved", even though I had obviously been locking myself in a room for quite a while.
I got lucky, in a sense, when my mom declared bankruptcy and we moved into my grandmas basement. My grandma was a LOT sharper when it came to my sisters lies and manipulation (as is expected of a mother of seven children). At one point in time, my sister had caught me "yelling at her" on tape (which was actually because she didn't meet me in our usual spot to go home from school, and I thought that something happened to her and got scared- as she was hanging out with some REALLY unsavory characters, like drug dealers and crap); but when she tried to incriminate me and play the recording for my grandma, my grandma just glared at her and basically told her to knock the crap off and leave me alone It made me so happy to have someone finally believe me.

So, in the end, the violence continued up until she moved away from me. Some of the most memorable instances involve her throwing a glass of chocolate milk in my face because I told her to shut up when she was in the middle of insulting me. That was when she basically told me that I was to listen to her insult me and call me terrible things, and sit there and take it without defending myself. Then there was some big fight over a magazine (we both subscribed to Seventeen magazine at the time), and how I just thought that the magazine that was in the mail that day was mine, because mine usually showed up before hers did. But when she found out that I had started reading the magazine without looking at the name on the back cover, she ripped it outta my hands and started hitting me with it. I was sitting down at the time, and ended up sliding onto the floor; and before I knew it, she was choking me. So I managed to push her away, and pin her to the floor using my foot, so that I could run and lock myself in the other room. I know that I was having some kinda panic attack; and that a few minutes later, my grandpa called me upstairs and started to lecture me about how I had no reason to attack her.
There were several others; randomly breaking my stuff, throwing s**t at me, and then turn around and command me to do her chores (which always came at a price if I didn't), and of course everything had to be exactly her way. If I was watching a show, and she wanted to watch something else, she had no qualms about pushing me down and ripping the remote out of my hands (even if I would have offered up the remote had she asked).
Even more recently, there is still some times where she makes me fear for my life. Like a few summers ago, when I got very, very sick (almost deathly ill, actually; I got hospitalized for a week on two separate occasions. I wasn't able to walk at all because I was in so much pain, not even to get up and use the bathroom or shower. I was almost completely bedridden for three months over my summer vacation ) but my mother still encouraged me to come out and play a game of cards for a while because I was getting depressed being cooped up in my room all day. In one instance, I settled down on the couch and started to play a game of cards, when my sister dropped by. My mom kept asking if I was okay because I was crying. I yelped out once while my sister was chatting with my mom, and so I asked for help back to my room. I will never forget the words that flew out of her mouth:
"Shut up and do it yourself, PRINCESS!"

But through all of this, my mom never acknowledged that my sister was treating me like s**t. She would say that my sister was going through a hard time, and that she was like that to everyone; or that it was just my sister's personality to be mean; or even that she didn't see a need to intervene because it was just sibling rivalry. Was she right??? Was this really just us engaging in sibling rivalry???

I know I question the boundaries of our relationship; I still tell myself sometimes that it was my fault, and I deserved to get hit and/or yelled at because I said something insensitive, or I didn't do something right. I still feel this way, and I just want some advice or support or something. I just want to know if I am being whiny or holding a petty grudge because I am afraid of/don't like my sister anymore. Am I being dramatic like my mother says, because the whole situation still bothers/scares/upsets me, and I still have nightmares about her from time to time. I have to see her on a regular basis, and now she acts like nothing ever happened- unless, of course, it paints me to be a monster or something. She is married with a son, and I don't know whether I should be scared for him or not.

Any advice or help would be appreciated. I don't know if there is some kind of abuse here, or if it was just average fighting. I really am trying to work on myself and face my demons, so I just want an honest opinion:
Was my sister abusive? Or did I deserve the treatment I got?

[Gadgetsmile]

Ok, no child deserves that treatment whether it is from an adult or another child.
I was one of three growing up and the fights I had with my brother, and the fights I had with my sister were very different. Up until my sister was 16 we had sibling rivalry fights. Hair pulling, name calling, fighting over toys.
Me and my brother on the other hand, that was much different. Even though he was 3 years younger than me he broke my nose with a children's bible, he locked me out of the house. He blamed me for stuff that wasn't me knowing I would get a beating from my mother. He hid food under my bed and tell my mother I stole it and watch me get beaten. That was abusive.
I would say your sister was abusive. You as not making a big deal of it, whether she was ill or not doesn't give her the right to treat you that way.
This is just my opinion coming from a messed up family, but do you think it might have been a case of your mum placicating your sister as not to endure another flare up?
My grandad knew my mother beat me but said nothing for a quiet life. He was scared of her, and still is. Not that she would hurt him, but she would make his life hell even if he phoned me.



You did nothing wrong

Hang in there

[OliversTwisted94]

Yeah, that makes sense....
You see, my sister was pretty bi***y to just about everyone. When my mom would get really angry because my sister was throwing some kind of tantrum and totally disrespecting her as a person and as a parent, she would raise a hand like she was going to slap my sister (actually, our mother never even spanked us when we were little; my grandma was more likely to actually slap one of the grandchildren for smarting off. When my mom raised her hand, it was more like a hand signal for "shut up right now because you are crossing the line"), my sister would always say, "What, you gonna hit me??? DO IT!!! Then I can call the police for child abuse!"
(I personally think that my mother was too afraid to fight back against my sister- even just verbally- because she is EXACTLY like our father, and he was abusive too; so I think it was like my mom was still afraid of him when confronted by my sister).

My mom...... I love her dearly but..... she just never intervened when she was supposed to. She still doesn't. I can understand that she just doesn't have the moxy to be a harsh disciplinarian, but that doesn't excuse the way she handled things. She has always just said "It's just your sister's personality." and "Just ignore it and it'll go away."
But I don't know.... how it can be ignored when you are getting the crap beat outta you? I have always tried to walk away from my sister; but she always made a point of going after me, or yelling at me until I broke down and cried/apologized. Like I said before; I still feel immensely guilty for the mean things I said when I retaliated. After experiencing my own mental health issues for so long, I can now understand that hearing someone say you are "acting crazy" can really be upsetting. I know from having my own issues with eating (though not quite the same as her issues..... in any way) that having someone say "You may as well just flush the food down the toilet" can really be hurtful.

I guess that I still feel badly because, even though at the time I really didn't understand what was wrong, I still wasn't sensitive enough to her feelings and needs. And I know that this makes no logical sense for me to feel this way; at the time all of this was going on, I wasn't even taking care of myself or my needs and feelings. I know that, while I don't logically owe her anything, that I still feel like she owns me in a sense. It's nice to see that she has actually mellowed out a little since she had her son. But I feel bad because I myself am so emotionally disturbed now; and now, when I have any kind of serious confrontation with my sister and/or brother (my bro is in college, and in his arrogant "I know everything because I'm a college student" phase. He's not a threat so much as he's just plain old annoying lol), I find myself getting more emotional and arguing. I never really used to do that kind of thing; for many years, I took on the role of the submissive younger sister, and really just tried to keep silent when I was being "bullied". Now I feel bad, because all of these pent-up emotions are just coming out now..... and I worry that I don't have the right to express them. (again, I know this isn't logical.... but it's still something I worry about.)

I don't know if you or anyone else who reads this can relate to the feeling that you have no right to express yourself. It's still a little comforting to see that there is at least someone else out there that has had a similar issue
(P.S.- Thanks for the reassurance! I hope to hear more from you in the future.)

Definitely sibling abuse and right abject in its cruelty ... ... !!!

Sorry you've had this painful experience ... I hope you are able to establish some firm boundaries with this nasty person, even if it means limiting contact with them ...

,
Pfrog!

[Gadgetsmile]

Hey,

Your family has been though a lot. I get why your mum is scared, the abuse from your dad must be hard for her to deal with, your sisters behaviour must have been hard for her to deal with.

I get that you love your mum, I love my grandad. But there must be some part of you that resents her for not sticking up for you no matter how hard it was for her. She's your mum, she is supposed to protect you. (Apparently, I never got protection from mine, but that's what is supposed to happen)
Well, it can't be ignored. It must have been hard as a child to understand why she was allowed to get away with it and why you should have to ignore it.

Feeling guilty in hindsight is hard. You were a kid, getting beaten up, and taking emotional beatings too. You said what would hurt her out of fear and anger. It is completely understandable, and you need to find a way to forgive yourself. You will only drive yourself mad in the long run. What you said can be forgiven considering the circumstances. This might be hard, but imagine two kids you know. Imagine that one was behaving like your sister and one retaliated like you. Now look at them, would you blame the kid for retaliating? I know looking in that I wouldnt.

"I guess that I still feel badly because, even though at the time I really didn't understand what was wrong, I still wasn't sensitive enough to her feelings and needs. And I know that this makes no logical sense for me to feel this way; at the time all of this was going on, I wasn't even taking care of myself or my needs and feelings. I know that, while I don't logically owe her anything, that I still feel like she owns me in a sense."

It was never your responsibilty to be sensitive to her needs and feelings. This is something you should mention to your T if you have one. The logical vs illogical is from what I remember from my ex T is that it comes from the contradiction in thinking as a child an an adult. But you should listen to the logical whenever the illogical takes place because you owe your sister nothing, she owes you. She doesn't own you, she never has and never will.

Yes it's great that she has mellowed with age and being a mum.

It is completely normal believe it or not to start expressing your anger. The more you bottle the stronger it becomes. Look at it this way, if you shake a soda can really hard and then even just pull the top a little a ton and a half of fizz comes out. Sometimes you start to wonder if the can had doubled in size, and gets really messy.

I have had a lot of anger issues. My ex T said I had every right to feel as angry as I did/do just got to find the right release for it. They are YOUR emotions, you need to get them out. I hope you do have a T, and you can discuss this all with them. They can really help.

Obviously I am no therapist. (Although sometimes I think my friends think I am a free one. I don't really mind but sometimes their minuscule dramas bore me.)

You really need to start thinking about you. It is not selfish, it's the only way to get through these feelings and emotions.

Your family will always be your family even if they could keep Jeremy Kyle (or an American equivilant like Jerry springer) busy for months on end! And you will always love them.



I hope what I have said makes sense.

Hang in there

[Harley47]

Hey there. I hope I can help.

While it's been said before, I don't think reaffirmation that this is indeed abuse can be a bad thing. I certainly feel for her mental illness...but that doesn't give her the right to make your life a hell, you know? Her behavior towards you is inexcusable, and I'm sorry you had to suffer through it.

I understand your mom's situation, but I do think she should've taken a more interested role in trying to help you. Unfortunately, your sister did a great job of putting her in a hard position...while burden of proof falls on the accuser, an investigation by CPS is a hard thing for a parent. I think she should've helped you regardless, and I think you'd have a right to resent her to an extent over it, but I do understand her situation and rationale. Again, I am only sorry you had to suffer for it.

I think it may be best to distance yourself from her. You can only do so much in regards to trying to foster a healthy relationship with her, but it can't be at the expense of Wiltedrose either, you know?

You are in my prayers. I wish you my very best.

Hugs,
Harley

[OliversTwisted94]

Thanks for the advice you guys. I was really glad to see that someone finally took this issue seriously It seems that, no matter where I turn, nobody understands that she really hurt me. Like I said, she was really crafty, and her timing was impeccable; she very rarely got caught doing this stuff. There was never any evidence; she was careful to leave minimal bruising.
I don't really have a choice when it comes to seeing her, to a degree. My nephew is only 2 years old, and I love him so much. If I want to see him, I have to find out a way to put up with her crap.
I have really, REALLY tried to distance myself. But like I said, whenever I do, she acts clueless and like she's all hurt that I'm avoiding her. I know she isn't really hurt....... but she is always talking about how she wants her son to have an auntie, and that she doesn't understand why I'm holding a grudge. I don't know if someone can actually be that clueless as to how their behavior has hurt someone, or if she's just being a douche.
I am so lost right now. What if I'm exaggerating the whole thing? I mean, I know I'm not fabricating anything here; but what if my sister only thought of them as fights and really doesn't know why I am upset with her? Does that seem possible? Sometimes, I doubt myself to the extent that I really do believe that I got what I deserved. I know a lot of people on PC say that abuse is never your fault, but nobody in my everyday life ever tells me that. (Then again, I don't like to talk about it, so nobody really knows how much it bothers me. But still, I don't think I have ever actually had somebody tell me (I mean face-to-face)-not even one single time- that the things I have dealt with weren't my fault.)
Maybe that's what's really bothering me.

[Harley47]

Wilted, no...it's not an exaggeration. I have a younger sister of five and a younger brother of 12 (if memory serves...family circumstances mean I don't seem my half bro much). I've gotten angry at my younger siblings, sure, but I've never hit them out of anger, nor have I ever beaten them to a pulp as you describe. I never took their stuff, I never refused to help them when sick with such callous disregard...I'm not saying I'm a model case of every sibling relationship (my stepmother would sure attest to that, but she can take a swan dive off a tall building, so null argument ), but siblings certainly have MINOR sibling squabbles. This is WELL beyond the realm of "minor squabbles."

[Gretchen]

Yes it was most certainly sibling abuse. I'm very sorry you endured such cruelty.

[OliversTwisted94]

Well..... she didn't exactly "beat me to a pulp". Not that I'm disagreeing with or minimizing what happened, but- while she did hurt me and attack me quick a bit- I didn't end up with serious physical injuries. I just wanted to correct that if it came off that she, like, crippled me something. While her "beating the s**t outta me" did entail quite a bit a punching/slapping/hitting, she was usually in such a blind fury that she didn't do much damage. (Well, at least there was one area that her bad temper came in handy- the angrier she got, the more she attacked me; but the angrier she got, the less physical damage she did.)
Of course, that says nothing for the emotional wounds.... cuz like I said, when she was angry, she looked like the doll from the "Chukie" movies (like, she was enjoying attacking me even though she was totally losing it).
Anyway, I know that this doesn't excuse the violence at all.... but I can count my lucky stars that she didn't do permanent physical damage (i.e.- knocking out my teeth. There were probably a few times where I could have lost some teeth had I not jerked my head outta the way). I don't know if you guys have ever seen someone in an intense "blind fury". She would quite literally "go blind"- that is, she would have her eyes closed and just randomly swinging half the time. I know that when she was looking, she actually strategically made a point of hitting me in places that would stay covered up by clothing (i.e.- the stomach).
But hey, the bright side? I generally only got minor wounds (with the exception of the time she chased me across the floor with a high-heeled shoe; like those big clunky ones that were popular in the late 90's.... yeah, she chased me, I ran into my bedroom and was ducking to crawl into my closet- but I slipped on the rug and broke through the drywall. I am actually really fortunate that the walls were so well insulated; otherwise, I would have completely knocked out the exterior wall of the second floor, and fell onto the neighbors driveway below. I messed up my back and my wrist that time.)
But oh well, at least now I know that I'm not being overly-dramatic. Thanks again, you guys!

[Gadgetsmile]

Originally Posted by wiltedrose2394

Thanks for the advice you guys. I was really glad to see that someone finally took this issue seriously It seems that, no matter where I turn, nobody understands that she really hurt me. Like I said, she was really crafty, and her timing was impeccable; she very rarely got caught doing this stuff. There was never any evidence; she was careful to leave minimal bruising.
I don't really have a choice when it comes to seeing her, to a degree. My nephew is only 2 years old, and I love him so much. If I want to see him, I have to find out a way to put up with her crap.
I have really, REALLY tried to distance myself. But like I said, whenever I do, she acts clueless and like she's all hurt that I'm avoiding her. I know she isn't really hurt....... but she is always talking about how she wants her son to have an auntie, and that she doesn't understand why I'm holding a grudge. I don't know if someone can actually be that clueless as to how their behavior has hurt someone, or if she's just being a douche.
I am so lost right now. What if I'm exaggerating the whole thing? I mean, I know I'm not fabricating anything here; but what if my sister only thought of them as fights and really doesn't know why I am upset with her? Does that seem possible? Sometimes, I doubt myself to the extent that I really do believe that I got what I deserved. I know a lot of people on PC say that abuse is never your fault, but nobody in my everyday life ever tells me that. (Then again, I don't like to talk about it, so nobody really knows how much it bothers me. But still, I don't think I have ever actually had somebody tell me (I mean face-to-face)-not even one single time- that the things I have dealt with weren't my fault.)
Maybe that's what's really bothering me.

most abusers even young ones know not to leave too many bruises.
I have had discussions with my brother growing up and I dont think he wants to admit to himself that he was in the wrong. It is easier for them to put it behind them as they were the ones who did the damage.
If people don't know exactly what she was like how can they reassure you it wasn't your fault? Like I said before, if you saw a kid being treated like you were by your sister would you blame them? It is easy to doubt yourself, but to look at a child and blame them for being beaten and verbally abused is much harder and that is when the logical comes in.
I had trouble with this myself and still do to an extent. It was only a few months ago my ex t got me to see. She asked me if I had read the Dave Pelzer books, I had a copy but had never read it. So I read it before the next session and told her I had done so. She asked me if I thought Dave was to blame or deserved what his mother did to him? (my mother was a lot like Dave's mother, they could have been best buds, although my mother was smarter). I said no. She said, so how can you blame yourself, or think that you deserved it? Some logic you just can't argue with. I tried. I said but, a lot and had nothing to back it up, if I was going to say anything it means I thought the same about Dave.
The way you dealt with it at the time was to blame yourself, I think my ex t called it a core belief which is hard to tackle. You have to really challenge them.

Originally Posted by wiltedrose2394

Well..... she didn't exactly "beat me to a pulp". Not that I'm disagreeing with or minimizing what happened, but- while she did hurt me and attack me quick a bit- I didn't end up with serious physical injuries. I just wanted to correct that if it came off that she, like, crippled me something. While her "beating the s**t outta me" did entail quite a bit a punching/slapping/hitting, she was usually in such a blind fury that she didn't do much damage. (Well, at least there was one area that her bad temper came in handy- the angrier she got, the more she attacked me; but the angrier she got, the less physical damage she did.)
Of course, that says nothing for the emotional wounds.... cuz like I said, when she was angry, she looked like the doll from the "Chukie" movies (like, she was enjoying attacking me even though she was totally losing it).
Anyway, I know that this doesn't excuse the violence at all.... but I can count my lucky stars that she didn't do permanent physical damage (i.e.- knocking out my teeth. There were probably a few times where I could have lost some teeth had I not jerked my head outta the way). I don't know if you guys have ever seen someone in an intense "blind fury". She would quite literally "go blind"- that is, she would have her eyes closed and just randomly swinging half the time. I know that when she was looking, she actually strategically made a point of hitting me in places that would stay covered up by clothing (i.e.- the stomach).
But hey, the bright side? I generally only got minor wounds (with the exception of the time she chased me across the floor with a high-heeled shoe; like those big clunky ones that were popular in the late 90's.... yeah, she chased me, I ran into my bedroom and was ducking to crawl into my closet- but I slipped on the rug and broke through the drywall. I am actually really fortunate that the walls were so well insulated; otherwise, I would have completely knocked out the exterior wall of the second floor, and fell onto the neighbors driveway below. I messed up my back and my wrist that time.)
But oh well, at least now I know that I'm not being overly-dramatic. Thanks again, you guys!

Apart from the broken nose from my brother and some broken ribs from my mother and re broken by my stepdad, and the burn marks on my arms, I didn't have any other serious injuries, yet my mother beat the crap out of me and was really smart about it. It doesn't make it any less. And yes my mother did beat me in blind fury on occasion but being an adult she did more damage, however I learnt to curl in a ball to protect my head and stomach so most of the hits were taken by my arms and legs.
So just because you didn't have serious injuries doesn't mean she didn't really hurt you physically.

You are not being overly dramatic, she was cruel, but like I said, I doubt she will ever fully realise herself how much she hurt you and that it is not just a grudge, it takes time to heal once you realise just how much it has affected you.

Hang in there

You are not alone, you didn't deserve it, and you are very brave discussing it.

[OliversTwisted94]

thanks for the support
I feel a little more sure of myself now

[Gadgetsmile]

I'm glad you are more sure of yourself