[Kalamity]

I've been feeling a higher amount of stress than usual, which makes me feel more lonely than usual, which causes me to think it's better to be abused than to be alone.

I find myself coming up with stupid excuses to call my mother - whom I haven't talked to in two or three years. I moved nearly two years ago and no one in my family knows where I am. I did this because my mother, my main abuser, kept showing up unannounced. In all these years nothing has changed. She does nothing but make me feel like garbage. Every visit brought on the worse depressive episodes and sent my SI behaviors spiraling out of control. My siblings pulled away from me years ago, because they don't get me and they don't want to stay in our mother's good graces.

I keep making up these stupid excuses to subject myself to her garbage, to the pain she always inflicts on me. I find myself thinking that I could call her and get my younger brothers number - to call him and see if he feels like being a brother.

I can't do this to myself again. I've been here before - escaping the abuse only to walk right back into it because I'm isolated and all alone.

I just needed to vent that.

[Rapunzel]

Hi Kalamity,

I understand what you're talking about. I moved away from my family a long time ago, because it was the only way that I could have a chance to be allowed to grow up and be an individual. And it was an immediate shock to be cut off from my family, and I expected my roommates to fill in the gaps, and they were not willing to do that, and I was alone and isolated. We humans are social creatures with a need to belong, and it's so hard to find a group to belong to when there are reasons for not being with your family. It's too bad that your siblings are still too caught up in it to be involved with you. Mine are too, and I wish that I could rescue them, but I'm not in a position to be able to. Even though I distanced myself from the family physically, I'm still caught in the same trap emotionally. Maybe you are too, which makes it that much harder to build another support network.

[__zh]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I've been feeling a higher amount of stress than usual, which makes me feel more lonely than usual, which causes me to think it's better to be abused than to be alone.

I find myself coming up with stupid excuses to call my mother - whom I haven't talked to in two or three years. I moved nearly two years ago and no one in my family knows where I am. I did this because my mother, my main abuser, kept showing up unannounced. In all these years nothing has changed. She does nothing but make me feel like garbage. Every visit brought on the worse depressive episodes and sent my SI behaviors spiraling out of control. My siblings pulled away from me years ago, because they don't get me and they don't want to stay in our mother's good graces.

I keep making up these stupid excuses to subject myself to her garbage, to the pain she always inflicts on me. I find myself thinking that I could call her and get my younger brothers number - to call him and see if he feels like being a brother.

I can't do this to myself again. I've been here before - escaping the abuse only to walk right back into it because I'm isolated and all alone.

I just needed to vent that.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Kalamity,

You have a powerful cognitive grasp of your situation and you express it well here.

You know that you can't do this to yourself again. You even wrote that! You've been here before. Venting was wise. We're really glad you posted!

Now.....what's going on that has you feeling a higher amount of stress than usual? Could posting or chatting here help with lessening your stress? Just an idea.

Take care.

[Kalamity]

I apologize to those who replied, for never replying in turn, even to offer a brief thank you. I tend to disappear when I feel that my emotions are getting the better of me.

Once again I find myself thinking of calling my mother. The thoughts are something like the following: I'll call her and invite her out for ONE visit and then tell her not to show up unannounced. This has been brought on by the death of my grandmother. It's left a hole in me that I wish to fill. I also want the portrait I drew of my grandmother back.

I won't call my mother. I know better than to go down that road, but it's maddening to keep thinking of calling her. I wish I could turn off the thought and make it go away but I don't know how.