Nightmares

You'd think after 6 years after the event that I wouldn't still have flashbacks or nightmares about my ex bf making me touch that little girl...or seeing her face in my dreams...but I had one last night.

It was strange. I'm sure it was a good dream but I didn't like it. I just woke up crying. In the dream my ex and that little girl were in it and I was able to open the case or something and get rid of all the stupid charges against me that I wasn't even guilty.

As soon I woke up, I could still see that little girl's face and started crying...her face is so beautiful but I know the pain that hides behind it. It was the first child I couldn't save and it will haunt me forever.

Ya know, I've been in intensive therapy for the this and have talked about it extensively, but for some reason all this stuff won't go away. I work on it and work on it to get rid of all this pain and hurt and suffering that I feel but for some reason it's not going away.

I seemed to get rid of the really bad dissociative stuff (trances and stuff like that) but it's like the other things won't go away.

Time Lexi, time. Keep and eye on your self talk. Keep the faith.

Wishing you much strength while you deal with this.

Lexi some things are so hard for us that it takes time to heal. I am sorry that it has been so long for you and you are struggling so much. You are strong and can endure the pain you are feeling. Please take care of you.

One of the things that rape crisis counselors do is have the victinms write a letter to their abusers. They don't necessarily send them them out. Sometimes just writing it out and sealing it in an envelop and having the crisis center counselor put it in the file helps. basically the activity is meant for changing the location of those bottled up feelings. One crisis center counselor that I know works with abusers too and she has the abusers write a letter to the victims, seals it up and puts it in the files. she says it helps them alot to understand why they did what they did be it because they were forced to or they made that decision on their own, and to move on from that situation.

by reading your post it sounds like you are stuck in both sides - the abuser role and the victim role. maybe you can sit down and write your victim a letter explaining your side of what happened and how you feel about it and so on. and then do the same from the victim point of view and write a letter to your abuser.

does that mean that I'm an abuser even if I was unwilling?

Not exactly. You were forced to do it so you are a victim. What I am saying is that your head may be confusing the two. You were forced so you can also identify with what the other victim in the situation as in what your abuser did to you and what you had to do to the thild. Maybe by writing from both points of view it will clear up whatever it is that keeps you coming back to that situation. You say you have had therapy and so on from the fact that you were forced but you keep coming back to the fact that you did this. and it upsets you that you did this. There is a name for that feeling of being upset when a person does done thing wrong. its called remorse, feeling guilty. you have had therapy about being forced but something is stopping you from undertanding it wasn't your fault. For some reason that guilty feeling keep rearing its head. maybe if you work on that side of things and write from that point of view you will finally be able to make the connection not only the logical side but also from the feelings side of things that it wasn't your fault. maybe then you will be able to finally move on from that situation.

Just throwing things out here for you to try.

As long as the traumas energy is still stored up in side of you, unhealed or unresolved, it will remain intact with your emotions.... I still find that I cry and have nightmares even after 30 years of certain events.


LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((((((( HUGS ))))))))

(((((((((Lexicon)))))))))