[granite1]

i am trying to be normal and happy but i just don't think i will ever know how. tonight my mind if filled with all kinds of horrors of my past and i dont know ware to put it. i swear i relive these horrors every day and i don't have any idea how to stop it. i have tried T but i have no voice .i have SIed but it always end up in the same place. i so want to get this out of my head but when i speak words it is unbearable for me to see. way to real. what do i do .everything is so wrong.how do i make it right ?how do i get all this horror out of my head??

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by granite1

i am trying to be normal and happy

It is not the right time for this. You have this stuff from the past trying to get out of your head. No one could be normal and happy while this is going on. Once you work through this, then you will be able to be normal and happy.

Originally Posted by granite1

i have tried T but i have no voice .

Because you aren't done yet.

Originally Posted by granite1

i so want to get this out of my head but when i speak words it is unbearable for me to see. way to real.

And this is why you "have no voice". This really needs to be discussed with T.

[granite1]

i'm just so freaking scared she don't want to talk about anything with me she sees what the mother say and i can't take that away i cant fix that

[Sannah]

But this belief is incorrect. Your T would NEVER agree with the mother.

[granite1]

she said exactally the same thing the mother would say when she would make me sit in that stupid chair ."you don't put any effort into anything" . "What about others" she sees how selfish i am and i hate it. she sees how lazy i am.i never wanted her to see or know any of this.it is my own fault

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by granite1

"you don't put any effort into anything" .

She said this to you?

Originally Posted by granite1

.

"What about others" she sees how selfish i am and i hate it.

Would you mind sharing more of the conversation where this came up with her?

[granite1]

honestally i can't remember a lot of it after she had said (her exact words)you don't want to put any effort into anything. she said because i am having a hard time taking my medication and taking care of my health she said that i don't seem to care weather i live or die.i said it isn't like i am going to kill myself.that is when she said this effort thing. i think she talked some about other people and whatever i cant really say for sure i just get it all mixed in my head with thoughts that were screaming and warning and all these horrible feelings of hate and anger for everything.i just wanted to hideto get away from it all.to take everything that i spoke away .i let her know to much about me and now she is horrible and is going to try and fix what cant be fixed and then say to heck with it or just give up.

[unaluna]

So you're afraid things can't be fixed. That is exactly why I looked for a t with a worse situation than mine, to see if he would finally say, no hankster, you're right, yours is worse. Then if he could still be happy, so could I. Also, the physical stuff. I hate being crosseyed. I bet you hate being blurry. So we're not perfect but we can cope with it. Maybe that's the lesson here for us.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by granite1

she said because i am having a hard time taking my medication and taking care of my health she said that i don't seem to care weather i live or die. that is when she said this effort thing.

Well if you aren't taking care of yourself then you aren't making the effort. But this is different then what the mother said to you. The mother was mean. Your T isn't mean. She is just trying to get you to look at your reality.

Originally Posted by granite1

i let her know to much about me and now she is horrible and is going to try and fix what cant be fixed and then say to heck with it or just give up.

I think all of this can be fixed granite. It seems that you are stuck between a rock and a hard place here but there is an escape route. In your mind it seems that you are making very tight, inflexible pathways about your situation. If you could only let go of this, step back and see that the pathway isn't as restrictive as you think it is. I hope I'm making sense.