[9874]

I haven't felt this way in probably a year or more. I don't have the words to match how I feel. It's the visceral feeling of despair, of there being no appeal, no one there to help you, to save you from the abuse. I'm being beat up by the very ones who are supposed to protect me, my own mother and father. Who else can I turn to for protection?! I am so utterly helpless, so despairingly in despair, for who will release me from this bondage! I rage at them for making me be so so so utterly helpless! I yell, I scream, the beatings don't subside! They intensify. I scream and yell and they do not respond. They do not hear me. I might as well be 6 feet under, where no one hears me either. The sounds of protest are not heard, so I bury them alive. I swallow them alive.
And now, when someone makes me feel helpless, I rage at them. Such as my kids.
And when I have some kicking and screaming to do and I want to make myself heard, and the other doesn't give me the space wherein I can express my thoughts/ideas/feelings/urges I rage at her. Such as my T. I have a need to talk about my rage, but she's busy protecting the kids. Trust me, the kids are protected. By giving me the space I need to be HEARD my anger/rage dissipates. And when I'm not heard, I feel helpless, in bondage, I rage at my T for making me feel so helpless. I am in despair, there is no appeal, for who else do I turn to for protection and safe presence if not for my T...

If your vocabulary is more developed than mine and you have managed to find words to match the feelings, kindly share so I can expand my own. Thank you!

Please, if you can be supportive, I welcome your support. Comments that are not of a supportive nature are best left unsaid. I hope you understand.

[Kalamity]

I can relate.

[Valis]

Yes...I can relate:

How can you trust anyone else if you can't even trust your own mother?
Your own father?
Yourself?

How can you control your life, when for the longest time someone has been making you feel that having such was an impossibility?

How do you make peace when for the longest time you have been preparing for war?

How can you "move on" from a situation that was never resolved?

How can you accept a situation you never asked for?
How does that make you feel?

Are you right? Are you wrong?

Should I be mad?

Should I be the mature one in a world, seemingly, full of kids?

Should I sacrifice my emotional burden, in order to alleviate yours?

I ask myself these things every day. It makes me feel completely helplessness to know that the only one who can solve these problems, is the person I see in the mirror.

I don't have much advice, but hopefully some of these questions will let you know someone out there is feeling just the way you are.

Hope you feel better 9874

[hillbunnyb]

Oh geez, heavy on the kaka. Reminds me of my childhood. Oh geez, I am sooo sorry you are in this situation. Sounds like you could use a larger support group, more ears improve the odds of somebody being able to listen at a given moment when you need them.

I've been thinking about the connection between anger and not being heard. Tighter than squid on fish, if you ask me. A world where everybody was listened to and validated would be one dang different world.....

Can't get blood from a stone. Unfortunately, as hard as it it to learn to ask for help, it's even harder to find the right person to ask from, to find the person who has what you need, to give...... this part kills me. When I finally get up the courage to ask for help and the person brushes me off, WHEW, worse than bad. Salt in the wound. FURY. I feel for you kiddo.

Is there a crisis line in your hood? Several crisis lines? You could maybe find a friendly ear there for starters....? And of course, you can blow off here at PC.

[desirae]

So sorry you carry this anger with you. I do not blame you at all, I carry similar anger with me as well and it can really bring you down.

Please find some peace with this.