Child-on-child sexual abuse

I think the worst part of all is hating my life so much here and now and yet when im alone, I cant wait till the other person comes back... Im so afraid of being alone adn feeling like i'll go crazy when i am that i feel that this is better then nothing

I can't stop messaging him even tho he is really slimy and cruel and wont meet up, keeps cancelling

Blue Whiskey, one of the things that happens is a victim will often continue to seek out abuse "unknowingly" in an effort to finally find a way to overpower or finally resolve or have a different outcome to the abuse. That is one of the signs of "victim mentality".

Also those with victim mentality feel that they are unworthy of a healthy relationship as well, they feel they are damaged somehow and can only fuction well as a victim. We are what we know until we get the right help to learn we can actually be different and "ok" to move on and change our victim mentality.

Open Eyes

Blue, are you looking for a father figure? You deserve better treatment.

That there is my biggest fear. Im 17 and I dont think Ill ever be able to have a healthy, happy relationship.. or have kids... I just screw everything up and Im afraid ill never be able to do any of it....

If you work on it you can achieve it.

I just visited a prostitute with a 50 year old man and then asked him out and he said no and then i fell out with him: feel terrible terrible

Happened to me too. I was 10 and he was 16. I thought I 'twas my fault. I still do. He might have gotten in trouble, but I too the punishment. He pinned me down and grind on me. It was awful. And I agree. It's not mentioned enough!

Are you going to stop this behavior that is causing your problems?

It's a symptom not a cause...

Yes, it is a symptom but it also causes you to suffer.

Yes. The boy who abused me was 3yrs older than me, which made my mother tell me "it's ok, he was only experimenting". That is all she has ever said on the subject.

I was dragged into the boys' room when I was about 7. I don't remember what else happened and don't remember coming back to the classroom. Something happened in there. Children abuse other children, too and I wish that adults would believe us.

Other things happened to me, too. I was forced to kiss a boy; some other kids literally pushed us together. It was awful! 5th grade. And other things happened. I don't remember everything. This was mixed with bullying.

Carol

Terry,

Im so sorry. Even after i explained to my mom i dumped my bf becayse he was abusive she would still bring him up at family parties and tell me how nice he was ect. i know its reallu hard

(caution...potentially triggering material)

So, funny story, I found this thread because I was once again online researching what constitutes sexual abuse. Now, I know what sexual abuse is, I've had therapists tell me what happened to me was sexual abuse, and I even pretend to accept that I was sexually abused. And yet, every so often, I scour the net to...I don't know...disqualify it somehow? Like I'm going to find a list somewhere that says well "if this or this happened, then you can relax, it wasn't abuse."

I literally do not have a time in my life when I didn't understand what sex was. That alone probably says a lot. The first incident I remember I was four and a girl my mom babysat was sleeping in the same bed as me. She wanted to be naked and eventually coaxed me to lie on top of her. That was it, I think.

Next was an older boy who lived down the street and he frequently created sexual situations with me and any other friends he could get to go along with it. Sometimes it was just the two of us. It started when I was five and "stuff" kept happening between us for years. He was, I don't know, maybe three or four years older than me.

I also think there was some sexual stuff with my older brother but I'm not sure. He exposed me to porn, I know that but that's all I can remember.

The guilt, worry, and fear I experienced as a kid was crippling. I would go to my mom with all of these concerns, like I worried about a machine that was going to turn me into a girl and I remember when I was maybe seven or eight I became obsessively worried that I had contracted AIDS (I was a child in the 80's). I thought that because I'd had sex I had AIDS because well, that's how kids think.

As years went on and I transitioned into puberty, I actively sought out sexual acts with other people. I developed very adult relationships with whoever showed interest in me, including my best friend. I was an outcast kid who went through a lot of verbal and physical abuse in school so I think I felt that I could get friendship through sex. Besides, I was now at an age where it physically felt good.

Obviously I have a lot of issues. I suffer from severe anxiety, I've been diagnosed with PTSD, and I am incapable of seeing myself as a "normal" person (like literally I look in the mirror and see something that isn't quite normal...basically a lot of body and self image issues). But in spite of all of it, why do I still question why this was abuse? The guilt, confusion, and fear alone indicate that it was abuse.

Like a lot of abuse survivors, I spend a lot of time blaming myself. I tell myself it was just kids stuff. I claim to be over it. And I go online searching for evidence that what happened to me was not abuse.

I never talk about what happened to me. I never admit it to myself but I think I'm extremely ashamed of my childhood. So having written this I have to admit, I'm almost in tears so I guess I really needed to get this out. I wish things had been different.

Thanks for listening to me.

Cyran0

I don't even know when it started, I was so young. We were friends since i was an infant and she was a year old. Our moms were best friends, she lived down the street, we went to the same church, and we spent a huge amount of time together from my infancy until she moved away when I was 10 with occasional visits for the next year or so.

I know what the legal defining factor is between "kids stuff" and abuse, at least in the state in which I reside. If there is a two year gap in ages or if one child is more knowledgeable than the other (such as if they've been sexually abused) it is considered abuse. I think anytime there is penetration it is considered sexual abuse, although I've been out of the field for awhile so i may be mistaken.

Was I sexually abused or was it kids stuff? I don't know. I used to joke with myself about calling her and asking her, "So, did you know about that before I came along, or were __________ and I a big experiment?" I just want to know how to check the box the next time I go to the MD's office (as if I'd be honest with them).

I also find myself with guilt and feeling responsible for what happened. Again, i don't remember the first time, it was an ongoing thing throughout my childhood, but she always initiated. There were times she got another girl involved and instructed us on how to touch each other and ourselves as she watched. How does such a young child even get that idea in their head?

Here is my deepest darkest confession- While at times I hated it, other times I craved it. I was so ashamed, yet I was sometimes disappointed when we were left unsupervised and she didn't make her move on me. There were times she straight out asked me if I wanted to "play doctor the dirty way or clean way" and I gave her permission. I invited her over and begged my parents to let me play with her. The sexual acts were never planned ahead of time while making these arrangements (not on my side) but I'm sure I knew what was coming.

The crazy part is when I think back at how many times we were busted frantically throwing our clothes back on or darting our naked bodies under the covers in her bed we shared during my visits, and no one ever said anything that i remember.

So, was this really sexual abuse? I don't know, but the shame, guilt, and anxiety attack I am having as I type this out are very real.

This has been eye opening

Thanks for this thread. Happened to me too but I never talk about it

The shame and blame belong to those who abused you. you might want to consider therapy. You were "groomed" as a child to seek out sexual things later in life. That is what happens to children quite often, who were sexually abused. Sadly, what happened to you is so common. I hope you can find a way to put the shame, blame, anger, etc....on those who abused you. You were/are innocent.

I know it's horrible knowing others have been through similar, but it's also kind of nice to feel like you aren't isolated in your experience, or others reactions. I think there is often an extra level of guilt associated with child on child abuse, as somehow you feel you are both equally to blame. Of course that's not true, as I'm starting to come to terms with, but nobody tells you that at the time (ime).

Mine was with my brother. He asked me if I wanted to play a game and I said ok. Never did I know that the game would involve more than just me undressing but some sort of penetration as well. He was 3 years older than me, I was 7 or 8 at that time. I never ever saw it as abuse because we were both kids and I agreed to playing the game but now I've been diagnosed with Ptsd and I'm starting to ask myself if what happened was really abuse. Took me a while to even admit that it had an impact on me. Mostly because I probably dissociated from the whole thing and I still dissociate every time I get anxious or feel like I can't get out.

Wow this happens to a lot of people huh. I'd say "glad I'm not the only one" but if you think about it that's probably a horrible thing to say so, that sucks.

When I was 6 yeard old a teenage boy came to visit us with his family. They were some distant relatives. He could be 14 or something as a small child my prespective was just that he was cool and what was great he played with me! I felt honored somehow bc you know big kids don´t play with small kids. We would run around playing with water, play hide and seek and it was all great fun. But after that our idea of play was a bit different and he used me in sexual way, he would also cut off my air supply while he did it. To this day I have a panic attack everytime I feel a luck of oxygen like in public transport during summer etc.

The thing was bc he was not an adult I never thought of it as somebody doing something bad to me. I always felt that we as kids did something bed together. I felt a lot of shame for it and I never told anyone untill few months ago when I told my T for the first time. I am 28 yo now. I stored it in my brain as a child play and I never thought I ever was a „victim“ (I don´t like the word) of sexual molastation or rape or what ever. I always had problems as people who experience this have but I thought I was just born weird bc nothing ever happened to me right?? My T did not think so and asked.

I said :“ Look it was just a kids stuff you know nothing serious really“ but when I told her I started shaking like crazy I could not lift up a glass of water bc of it and I felt horrible. After I got home I had my worst panick attack ever that lasted on and off for 24 hours. Then I realized maybe it was not just a kids doing what they should not.

I feel sad that so many people went through this and what is even worse is the fact that some were not taken seriously or validated...hugs to all of you.

I had a stepbrother who was about 3-5 years older than me, I think it was. Honestly, that whole period of my life is a little fuzzy. Anyway, there was a point where he tried to do things to me while pinning me down on a bed. It's weird - I've spent most of my life filing it off to the side as a non-issue, figuring it couldn't really have any lasting effects. It wasn't until I recently stumbled on some articles about male survivors of assault that I started remembering it at all.

It's very confusing. On the one hand, I keep thinking maybe I'm just making too big a thing out of it, since it was over 20 years ago. How could it still possibly matter, right? And as far as I can recall, it was just one occurrence (I think). But ever since I started remembering it, I've been alternating between nearly crying, and being infuriated to the point of seeing red. Guess I'm glad my wife is out on business, I really didn't want her to see me this way.

For my entire adult life, I've had serious issues with people touching me. I hate it, to the point that I'll get violent if they persist. Think I'm starting to see where that came from, because I don't remember being that way when I was younger, not even a little.

Is it weird that I still sometimes think it wasn't abuse? Like maybe I'm just overreacting. I can't tell people in my life about this, it's not something I want them talking about, or knowing. This will probably be the only place I ever mention this. Honestly I hate myself for not being over it. I don't see any good reason this should bother me so much after so much time has passed.

EmptyReflection, I hear ya. As I said in my post, I found this thread because I keep looking for evidence to indicate it wasn't that big of a deal or wasn't abuse or that it shouldn't effect me. I have a million ways to minimize or dismiss it. It's strange. Trying to look at what happened to me is like trying to look directly at the sun.

(((Cyran0))),

This is a challenge for many people who stumbled into doing things of a sexual nature when they were young.

Maybe what will help you with this challenge is to understand how "all" children discover their bodies, all of their bodies, and they do discover, some rather early, that these parts of their bodies have interesting things that happen. Children have trepidations about it, but they don't really "know" what "sex" means like adults do.

When we think of the word "abuse" it means "something bad happened and we were victims", but while that is true when a "knowing adult" abuses a child sexually, the child often doesn't "know" the significance of what it means. And children don't really have a sophisticated and developed "conscience" either. They are more of "the world revolves around them", and don't look at other children as "adults look at other adults" either.

Your fears about contracting AIDS was real, pretty intelligent actually from a child.
But your "real" understanding of the gravity of sex" just was not really there "yet".
And we "are" sexual beings you know, we are designed to procreate and have in our design, something that "encourages that to take place".

You have to be "very careful, with how your "adult mind" thinks about this Cyran0.
Don't "put in guilt" when you are remembering this time in your life either. You really have to consider the major difference in the maturity of your brain, now verses then.

Your looking in the mirror with this "lost sense of identity" is not being "fair to yourself", you do have an identity, you are creative, sensitive and very artistic.
You can't decide that because you didn't grow up in some "ideal way" that you are "unworthy" as a person.

Cyran0, life is about learning, constantly learning and growing as a person "in spite" of the challenges we face in life. Believe me, you are totally not alone in your discovery process, maybe a little different, but not alone in the "realm of humanity".

Nice to see you again Cyran0.

(((Hugs)))
OE