Child-on-child sexual abuse

When someone is experiencing PTSD, it doesn't mean they are a "bad person" or "somehow a failure" either. You cannot look at everyone else and decide you just don't measure up either. We are all "unique" Cyran0 and it isn't being "reasonable" to fall into despair because of our uniqueness. You have to "embrace" your uniqueness because you have used every part of "you" in your "successful creative output".

Instead of heavily researching your past in a way to look for damage constantly, you have to look back and consider what you learned and can now add in the pieces you just didn't understand back then.

You are a writer, Cyran0, you have to consider that a good piece of literature is about what happens and what people "learn" from it. Typically, when people "write" it is a discovery of something that has a beginning, and lots of information and experiences and things to picture and think about, and then a conclusion. If all books were the same "oh boring would that be"?

((Hugs))
OE

Open Eyes, good to see you again too.

I somehow feel you're not understanding me so I'll try to be a little clearer. I don't look back at it now and project fear, hurt, guilt or anything like that on me as a child. No, it's that I remember the fear, hurt, guilt, etc. that I felt as a child and for some reason when I think about it now I feel it with the same intensity. As an adult who now understands himself, sex, the world, and the nature of people in it, I believe I should be able to brush aside all the sex related events of my childhood and think about it with the safety of hindsight and maturity. Unfortunately, that's what my rational mind does while my emotions pop right back to the feelings I had as a kid.

All of these twisted feelings as a young boy gave me an ulcer by the time I was in third grade. I had quickly become a scared, nervous child and that compounded my problems as I then became a social outcast who was verbally and physically tormented in school.

By the time I was in my teens I had come to perceive myself as physically deformed and that the world had rejected me. I experimented with men and that got me labelled as gay in school. This caused physical attacks and eventually I had to drop out for my own safety. By then I had turned to punk rock, street kids in the city, and drug abuse for comfort and camaraderie.

That was the state I'd remain in until I discovered therapy a bunch of years later. And while therapy has helped me put the events of my youth into context (like understand that an older kid playing sexual games with a younger kid is abuse) and revealed to me my underlying problems with anxiety and depression, I've never managed to completely correct my distorted view of myself. I would compare this to how a skin and bones anorexic can look at him/her self in the mirror and see someone who's fat.

Anyway, in spite of my rational understanding of everything I've just written, I still wrestle with all the sex stuff from my childhood. You seem to suggest that it wasn't abuse and a part of me really wants to hear that but another part of me feels that if I take that definition away, if I call it normal childhood sexual development, then all those feelings from then to now are my fault, my responsibility, and the pain is 100% because of something that's always been wrong with me.

Funny, now that I write that out I'm not sure which is worse, that sexual exploitation contributed to my damaged psyche or that I was born broken.

Your final point however is well taken, at various points in my life I have embraced being a freak and while it's an ironic juxtaposition of self perceptions, I do fly the freak flag with a great deal of pride. Too bad I also salute it with a dump truck full of self loathing.

Cyran0

((((((((Cyran0)))))))))))))))),

I was not really trying to say to you that your childhood experiences were normal or that things that happened to you that "invaded" you or confused you were not wrong.

I do understand your challenge better than you think. I have a very challenging history myself Cyran0 and I have always had challenges with my digestive track too.

I also completely relate to how you really "feel" the hurt, anxiety, fear that you had felt as a child. I can totally relate to having these challenges come forward in emotional flashbacks despite the reasoning capacity you have as an adult.

I was not really trying to say to you that things that happened to you are not abuse. I was trying to help you "change" the negative messages that can come from looking back and thinking you are the only one that experienced this and because of that you are forever "doomed" to suffer.
Because the "reality" is, the number of people that run into these kinds of experiences is much greater than you think. You are more a "part of" humanity then you realize. And there are "many" people that have experienced "sexual curiosities" that simply never admit it or discuss it.
I was trying to point out to you that by human nature alone, this "curiosity" and often innocent interaction "does take place".

Also, the period of time you are talking about where you also got involved with groups of individuals that you now recognize as somewhat delinquent, is also something that you are "not alone" with either. And there is an endless supply of people that talk about feeling like they somehow don't fit in too.

The reason "fads" happen is because of how "marketable" this desire to somehow "fit in" is so prevalent.

My daughter never really felt "connected' and she did have dyslexia and learned differently, so that alone was a major contributing factor. However, she did have her strengths about what she liked and having her own way of dressing and expressing herself.

When I went into her high school and talked to the teachers what I learned is that my daughter was the "one to watch" every year to see "what was really cool to wear". She wasn't "not popular" what was really going on was "she was somewhat feared" and many of the other students didn't interact with her because they were afraid "they were not cool enough".

More often then not it is human nature to "revere someone, yet at the same time try to find fault too".

Look at Robert Downey Jr., he has sooo much talent and yet he has done nothing but "struggle" and "lean towards self destructiveness". Right now he is making obscene amounts of money, yet I am willing to bet, he is still very challenged and struggles.

The bottom line Cyran0 is that "most people struggle with inner peace and self acceptance". As I have mentioned, THAT IS WHAT IS CONSTANTLY SUCCESSFULLY MARKETED. It is marketed in our political arena as well as just about every aspect of our overall "human media".

The only thing that is a "one size fits all" is the constant question of "self worth" and quest for just feeling a genuine "self acceptance" and not experience "fear".

When I first met you Cyran0, you did have achievements that you "were proud of". You "have" had accomplishments in your life Cyran0. That person is still in you too and that person came out in "spite of" whatever negative you had experienced in your past too. That past is "not all of you either", however you did "learn some things", not much different from Mr. Downey.

While I do understand you are "challenged" with PTSD and believe me, I know how much of a challenge PTSD is "first hand", I do know "exactly" what you are "questioning and feeling". The truth is, YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND MORE A PART OF THEN YOU THINK. And that is important to realize, because that is how human beings thrive, by feeling "connected". And that is expressed everywhere.

Also Cyran0, you have to consider the constant flowing/growing of open sexuality and expression.
I remember when my daughter was in high school and the "in thing" with girls was being "bi" and many of the girls would walk down the halls holding hands and even kissing each other. This even began in Middle school too. I have to say, when I went with my daughter to orientation of middle school I really thought I made a mistake and it was the high school the way these "kids, children really" were dressed.

When I was raising my daughter and considering my own past I wanted to find ways to "inform" her and also warn her how "other children" might be curious and to know this was not something she should allow and that she had to keep certain things to herself too. At the time the professionals were saying that when children "question" be honest in answering and they will simply take in whatever they are ready to take in. The message is to show them what different bodies look like and just be matter of fact about it so they are not afraid of it and will more likely talk about it if something happens.

It is so important to keep reminding yourself, "you are just human" and "yes" even now there are "questions" many questions not much different from yours.

OE

Ah, I do understand your point better now, thank you.

Nothing I've written here is to suggest that I only see myself in the context of sexual victimization. I have accomplished a great deal, I'm successful in a creative/demanding field, I'm well liked and respected, and I have wonderful kids. In spite of all of my problems I function very well. But as you suggested, success can be a major part of your life or identity but behind the scenes you still struggle with demons. Well, that's me and what's being written about here is focusing just on that broken part of me.

That is one of the hard things about sites like this one is that we are all anonymous and what we're saying here lacks the context that comes with actually knowing people. People who know me in the real world would never guess the things I struggle with while I suppose people here would never believe that my warped self loathing is counter balanced by a large ego. It's duality and one of the things that makes mental health a bit tricky, we are not one thing or one diagnosis and yet that doesn't diminish the severity or impact of the illness.

So yes, thanks for pointing that out.

All that said, coping strategies that make us successful work right up until they don't. I come here as an outlet for what I can't/wouldn't want to share publicly. I would never diminish my accomplishments but I'm here to deal with the parts of me that are broken and one doesn't invalidate the other.

Yes, I understand and can relate. I understand you needed an outlet to just talk about it someplace where you can get "validation" and even know you are not alone with what you are describing either.

Oh, yes, you worded that so well about coping strategies that work so well until they don't, ME TOO.

That is especially true when people hit their 50's, mid life crisis is no joke. But I hear that by the time someone is in their 60's they get so they don't give a damn and go with the flow better.