may trigger... not nice stuff

Hi.
I've been thinking about this all evening and started to freak out and then zoned out some and am now so totally spacey i can hardly remember what it was i was going to post about but i know it will come out now if i just start.
a little over a year ago i went out to a club with some friends and had a lot to drink and then blacked out. i woke up the next morning in some total strangers bed with only flashes of memory about the night before. actually only two flashes. i remember saying over and over begging him to use protection, trying to ensure he did but not being able to because when i tried to sit up i fell back and blacked out again and then i remember crying into his shoulder because it hurt and i wanted it to stop but at the same time i didnt because i felt... i dont know... like this was it... like the ultimate SI even though it wasnt me doing it... i dont remember if i actually said to stop or not but i know i was thinking it. anyway when i woke up he was nice and sweet and offered to take me for breakfast but i was just totally in shock. i desperately needed to get somewhere safe ... dear God. i just remembered... i actually helped him some to make it hurt more. what the hell is wrong with me???????? he asked me that morning was i really a lesbian because he said i had told him that the night before. i am and that was the first time i ever slept with a guy. i dont know how or where i met him or how i got to his place but later i found fingerprint bruises on my leg and arm, a deep bruise on my other arm and a small bruise on my head. can somebody tell me if this is rape? because from the way he was acting in the morning he didnt seem to think so and what i remember is so confused. ive been drunk before where i dont remember things but people tell me after i was acting totally sober until i fall unconscious... so i dont know if i did say it was ok and/or fall completely unconscious... i just dont know.
the other thing is that i think theres something really really wrong with me. i am gay and i love women and when im sober i really really cant think of being with a guy but when i drink i lose total control and do such really awful things. earlier that same night when i was sober enough to remember bigger chunks of time i had oral sex with the bouncer of the club. i feel sick even saying it. and i did that before with another guy years ago. on another occasion i made out with three different guys in the one evening. again when i was drunk cos i am absolutely nothing like that when sober. nothing. i blush saying the word sex. literally. what is wrong with me??? why does this happen????????????? what is inside me that is so evil???????? how am i so sick!!!!!!!!! please can somebody tell me why someone would act like this? on the one hand im terrified things like this are going to happen again when i drink and on the other hand i feel what does it matter because i must deserve it. where does this come from????
i suppose im writing this as much to get it out as anything else but i would very much appreciate any opinions anyone might have.
biiv

im so sorry biiv that you are struggling with this. Maybe before you solve the root of it, you should make sure that you are safe in the future. Until you get to the root, maybe avoid going to bars and parties with alcohol. but it could be any number of things triggering these reactions from simply the effects of alcohol to underlying unresolved issues. Maybe you can talk with a T about this. You deserve to keep yourself safe.

((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS ))))))))

I am so SORRY that this happened to you.... as I was reading your post the thought of the DATE RAPE drug came to my mind.
Do you think it is possible that something like this might have happened to you ? - for I know of a few females this has happened to and they could not remember a lot about the event and what they could remember they felt physically helpless or unable to stop it.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Wow, you know this is shocking, but I know that this should have definitely been said. I think allowing yourself to let this out will benefit you.

Okay, well I will definitely say there is not an evil inside you and that what you've done in the past is in the past. Of course you regret this, we all have regrets.

Another thing is if this is whats happening to you when you are drunk then I strongly recommend not drinking. Drinking brings out apart of yourself that you despise then please do not drink anymore. For some people drinking brings a life to them, for some it brings numbness, and for a small amount it brings out a different person (like abusive husband who are only abusive when they drink).

If this is truly affecting the way you perceive yourself then healing needs to happen. I recommend going to a therapist and discussing these issues and what you need to do to accept these horrible regrets and move on. You will be free from this if you do.

I really hurt in my heart from this story. I've done many dumb things on alcohol in my past to that I'm so ashamed of I would never admit, nobody knows, not even the people closest to me. I personally did not vent this but I have accepted them and moved on. I accepted the fact I made a mistake, and I knew it wasn't who I am today, so I let go.

I hope you find peace with this.

thank you everyone for your thoughts. i just dont have any energy or words right now. im so depressed. its like moving through so much mud.
anyway. thanks again.