Found an old tape...should I watch it?

The other day I was unpacking my apartment because I recently moved again, and looked in the side door of a TV cabinet that used to belong to my parents. It was full of VHS tapes, and as I was putting them in a box to bring back to my parents I saw the label of one that caught my eye. The label said "For [my dad's name]," "[Me] pre - 5-23-93," and said stuff like me and my brother at certain points in late 1993 and 1994.

Me pre - 5-23-93 refers to me before a day when I was 3 months old, when my dad threw me and I landed on my head. For awhile I thought I was told the whole story but over the past few years the story has changed so many times that I have no idea what really happened. Because of my age at the time I have no memory of any of this, I have to depend on liars for the truth. Now I don't have to...but do I really want to know the truth?

I know the video isn't going to tell the whole story in detail or anything, but maybe it'll help me piece things together. Who was there, who wasn't, what months/years this was...and how I was. Although I don't know if that's something I want to see, knowing what I know now. The weird thing is I've seen parts of this video before. But it was before I knew what really happened back then, and I don't think it was all of the video...plus it was a very long time ago, so I don't remember it very clearly.

I feel like I NEED to watch it. I know it's probably going to really mess me up for a little while, but if I don't watch it I know I'll always wonder, and never get past this.

I just don't know if this will help, or if its a really bad (even dangerous) idea and I should just let it go.

Do you have a T you can discuss this with before doing it? I really think you need to discuss it with someone who knows you well and who is a professional to help you decide and to deal with any fallout that may occur after. Best wishes to you whatever you decide.

I agree with Lauru. Imagining it might be worse than watching it, but watching it could be a horrible trigger. It is very dependant on your case.

Be careful. If you watch it, turn it off if it's too much. Realize you are not what happened to you. You are safe now. I suggest you don't plan on going anywhere afterward. Make sure you feel safe enough inside yourself to look at it more objectively. Again, if it's too much, you can turn it off.

Just some thoughts.

Carol

Is there someone who you could be with while you watch it? I think that would be better than being alone as you don't know what to expect.

As I was reading, I got the impression it was just a video of various scenes before you were injured. I don't know how something like that would tell you much except what you looked/acted like as a very young child? If you were only a few months old, there's not going to be much on it besides you laying on a blanket on the floor, learning to roll over, eating in your high chair, etc.?

Is it a video of something/someone else? If so, the person taping it would have to have been a parent or someone who cared for you a lot of the time for what they had to "say" to be very meaningful? I don't quite know what you are hoping for/expecting but sounds like your imagination has come to the tape with its own agenda that may/may not have anything to do with the tape's "significance"?

At 3 months, it's not like you were walking and talking and "doing" anything much besides learning to sit up, roll over, identify faces/voices, etc., if you were set back in your development because of your dad throwing you, that's kind of just a "fact", like when my brother-in-law fell with my niece in his arms and her leg was broken. I don't think there could anything to see/hear that would make a difference, at 3 months, other than your life changed completely. But it's not like you can undo what happened or even see what you "might have become" by looking at something about when you were that new/young.

If I were anxious, I'd have a friend come look at it with me or I'd look at the first couple minutes and see if I wanted to continue then on, etc. If it is someone mostly just talking, I would not bother with it; no way to know the context and whether what they have to say was true or not, relevant to your life now, etc.

I have an 8 mm tape of my mother from before she and my father married, probably taken by my father; my mother died when I was very young, I did not know her, and the tape was interesting to me because it showed my mother "moving" and I could identify with her gestures/reactions and see myself in her. What could you learn from your 3 month self that might have bearing on who you are now? I can't imagine. If you are hoping to see your father or someone cuddling you or showing what is going to happen, I don't see how that would help you in any way? It may or may not be there but it is not particularly relevant to today?

Just wondering what you decided in the end Nemo?

Im guessing it is just one of those normal parents video taping their new baby kinds of stuff.. three months and under will probably just show you as a baby cooing, sitting up, laughing about something and maybe some crawling, or turning over attempting to crawl., it may show you the clothing styles of those in the film, and possibly you as a naked baby in or out of getting a bath..

but to be on the safe side I would like to suggest maybe watching it with your therapist or other mental health treatment provider. that way on the odd chance they were video taping normal childhood events and something happened to happen at that moment you have your treatment provider righ there with you to process the thoughts and possible triggered memories that you may have forgotten.

Hi,
I just went through something similar. I recorded a conversation that I had with a "friend of the family" who raped and abused me for years when I was a teenager. I'd forgotten that I'd made the recording. I blocked out alot of things from those years. I talked to my therapist about it and we decided that it would be best to have a few sessions going over what might be on the tape and try to be prepared. It was a one sided recording so I couldnt hear his voice all of the time but I got the jist of it from my responses. I'd forgotten how angry I was back then. It did mess with my head and I went through a few weeks where I self injured. My therapist helped me to better cope with the bad taste that I was left with. I dont regret listening to it. Like you, I would have wondered what was on it. If you watch it, please have someone that you trust that you can reach out to.

I am going threw something similar. I was raped repeatedly when I was a young teenager. I remember putting a journal on to a floppy disk way back then. I found it while cleaning and putting away Christmas things. I want to have it read. But I don't know if I really want to know what is on it or not. After talking to someone who could potentially read it, they said that it unlikely to be able to be read. Due to the technology then and now. It is something that fades and may not have retrievable qualities. But to bring it and try any way.

If you don't you will always wonder. If you do watch it and it is to much to deal with, get help. But the truth will set you free and will need to be dealt w/ eventually.

My plan is the have my desk try to be read and have my T on standby in case I need her.She is located 10 minutes from the shop that will try to read it.

Good luck what ever you decide. Keep us posted.