[GirlOfManyFaces]

I had the worse and most vivid flashback today. It started at the first time he sexually abuse me and then skipped to when he raped me the first time. It was like it was actually happening. I could feel him next to me. And when I finally snapped out of it, I could feel all the bruises he caused me. I could feel them again. I was having a panic attack because I thought he came back for me. It was so real I thought it happened again. I want to kill myself just so it will stop. I can't bare to have another flashback, not like this one...

HELP ME PLEASE! I'm begging for someone to help. I don't know what to do.

How can I stop this?

He is still abusing me, even though he isn't here. I can still feel and hear him.... I'm terrified he will be back to rape me again.....

I'm so scared!

[astenon]

Girl,
I sooo wish I knew enough about what you were going through to be able to help. By that I mean I wish I could help more, not that I wish I knew more about the specifics of what happened. Sorry it's not even 7am here and I need more caffeine.

I didn't want you waking to find no-one had answered your plea for help and to think that no-one was thinking of you.

I'm going to make a suggestion. If anyone reads this and thinks it's a bad move, please say.

At the moment, you feel like no-one is listening and no-one believes your side of the story. Maybe it would help to get a piece of paper, a dictaphone, or your Word Processor out and tell your side of the story. Get it all out. You don't need to give it to anyone - although maybe think about giving it to your T (it may help her see your side rather than her own prejudices).

I know this is probably the last thing you want to do. Maybe these flashbacks want to have their story told, so rather than push them back as I guess you have been, let them out.

I'm sending you big, big s and hope you wake up to a better day. My thoughts are with you.

[Oystersoul]

Nothing is wrong with you
That must be so scary for you
I find telling myself. 'Its okay, I'm safe now, it's only a memory and I survived' over and over again til I'm calmer and then I focus on something positive (I knit)
Doesn't always work and sometimes I will be a complete wreck for ages
Hope you're able to get the help you need x

[Ultra Darkness]

"I'm searchin' through emptiness
and tryin' to forget us in vain"

"Locked in a prison
in a world of living fear
on the edge of my destruction
marching on"

"Sadness inside
from the truth that she hides
and this pain in my heart
for no reason"

All of these quotes are from the song "Seasons" by Dragonforce. It seems to match your mindset right now, at least to me. But you know how the corus goes?

"The words are dying in the night
No winter lasts forever
The seasons pass
and sunlight will shine on my life again
So let the past
now burn down in flames"

The idea is that everything will pass. I dunno, though. Maybe I rely too much on music to make things seem better.

[GirlOfManyFaces]

Originally Posted by astenon

Girl,
I sooo wish I knew enough about what you were going through to be able to help. By that I mean I wish I could help more, not that I wish I knew more about the specifics of what happened. Sorry it's not even 7am here and I need more caffeine.

I didn't want you waking to find no-one had answered your plea for help and to think that no-one was thinking of you.

I'm going to make a suggestion. If anyone reads this and thinks it's a bad move, please say.

At the moment, you feel like no-one is listening and no-one believes your side of the story. Maybe it would help to get a piece of paper, a dictaphone, or your Word Processor out and tell your side of the story. Get it all out. You don't need to give it to anyone - although maybe think about giving it to your T (it may help her see your side rather than her own prejudices).

I know this is probably the last thing you want to do. Maybe these flashbacks want to have their story told, so rather than push them back as I guess you have been, let them out.

I'm sending you big, big s and hope you wake up to a better day. My thoughts are with you.

Thank you! You read my mind. I am always afraid no one will read my post and that it was all for nothing. It's always my fear to be ignored.

I have tried to write it out many times. But it's to painful. I can't do it. Those memories just need to die in the corner I pushed them in.

[GirlOfManyFaces]

Originally Posted by Ultra Darkness

"I'm searchin' through emptiness
and tryin' to forget us in vain"

"Locked in a prison
in a world of living fear
on the edge of my destruction
marching on"

"Sadness inside
from the truth that she hides
and this pain in my heart
for no reason"

All of these quotes are from the song "Seasons" by Dragonforce. It seems to match your mindset right now, at least to me. But you know how the corus goes?

"The words are dying in the night
No winter lasts forever
The seasons pass
and sunlight will shine on my life again
So let the past
now burn down in flames"

The idea is that everything will pass. I dunno, though. Maybe I rely too much on music to make things seem better.

NO, NO, NO! Music is an amazing thing to rely on. It use to be the only thing keeping me going. I can't listen to it now because it causes flashbacks of the incident. But I still love the idea of music. Even if I can't hear it. I still love it.

Thank you for the quotes. Keep writing those poems too. You are really good

[BrokenNBeautiful]

It is hard for me to write it down, or even describe what happened to me in words. I was preverbal the first time I was abused and I don't even remember it clearly. But I do have physical memories of being touched in a very upsetting way.

Music has always saved me, too.

Carol

[openwindow]

Originally Posted by Oystersoul

Nothing is wrong with you
That must be so scary for you
I find telling myself. 'Its okay, I'm safe now, it's only a memory and I survived' over and over again til I'm calmer and then I focus on something positive (I knit)
Doesn't always work and sometimes I will be a complete wreck for ages
Hope you're able to get the help you need x

I do this too and it helps sometimes! I think it might be worth a try. Remind yourself that even though it feels very real, it's over and he's not here. Say it out loud if you have to.

When I have flashbacks/panic attacks I try to focus on being present in the moment. Breathing slowly, deeply, and deliberately helps with this (and it will get your heart rate down, which should help you feel a little calmer and relaxed). Another thing you might try is focusing on how your body is feeling right then in the present; it could help tear you away from reliving what your body felt during the awful experience. You could do that by doing something nice for yourself: put on lotion, brush your hair, whatever you think feels good, and really focus on the pleasant sensations it creates. Make your actions as deliberate as possible and try to get yourself to concentrate fully on what you are doing.

Thank you for sharing with us and posting here. That's a brave thing to do. Your words are important and valuable-YOU are important and valuable-and we're here to listen.