[trdleblue]

The other day I met with a T to see about joining the group that she runs for survivors of csa. I knew she was going to ask me some about my history, and I thought I was prepared, but it has been so much harder on me then I thought it would be. I didn't even go into detail about anything, yet I'm feeling so weird and gross, and upset with myself for saying anything. When I've been in my room I keep hiding under my blanket. The first time I ever told anyone was about 8 months ago when I told my T, and I didn't have a reaction like this. It was difficult then, but I just don't get this gross feeling. Shouldn't have this time been easier?

[Bookworm89]

I'm pretty new to the whole T thing and talking about this stuff. Maybe it was because the connection between you and the 2 Ts was different?

[Open Eyes]

Bookworm could be right, your other T was someone you could most likely trust and had a sense of safety with. This T is new and doesn't really have your history and maybe didn't give you the supportive response you might have needed.

I have a troubled history myself, and I don't feel any time is easy for me to discuss it.
It may be more healing though when you are with others who feel the same way as you.

(((Hugs))))

[trdleblue]

Originally Posted by Bookworm89

I'm pretty new to the whole T thing and talking about this stuff. Maybe it was because the connection between you and the 2 Ts was different?

The connection is definitely different with her. She was okay, but she was a stranger, and a female, both things which I have trouble with. It's more just the gross feeling that is lingering in me which is making this difficult.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

It may be more healing though when you are with others who feel the same way as you.

(((Hugs))))

I hope you are right. I am going to give it a chance and am going to try to stick it out for at least 6 months. It makes me nervous that the group will be all females. I'm also still worried that I don't really belong.

[karbear]

Is there another way to stop keeping the secret. My experience is the more secret the abuse is kept the more you are in bondage. You need to find a safe way to get rid of it. I have wrote letters and then burned them in a metal can outside. The act of writing gets it out of you and onto paper-keeping the secret inside is what keeps you bound. I tell people about abuse whether they want to hear it. A journal may help. I write on papers and then rip them to shreds so no one can read them. If you can't find anyone who care to listen to you-write them down and then decide if you want to keep them burn them or find another way to get the story out of you.

[Sannah]

We can support you here as you get used to the group. I didn't trust females because of my mom and I got a lot better at it. When I was in a situation where I wasn't doing well with a female I would tell myself right in that moment that this female is not my mom. It really helped. You can also share in group that you aren't comfortable if you feel okay about that. When is your first meeting?

[trdleblue]

Originally Posted by karbear

Is there another way to stop keeping the secret. My experience is the more secret the abuse is kept the more you are in bondage. You need to find a safe way to get rid of it. I have wrote letters and then burned them in a metal can outside. The act of writing gets it out of you and onto paper-keeping the secret inside is what keeps you bound. I tell people about abuse whether they want to hear it. A journal may help. I write on papers and then rip them to shreds so no one can read them. If you can't find anyone who care to listen to you-write them down and then decide if you want to keep them burn them or find another way to get the story out of you.

If I end up in group it will be another way to let things out. I do not have people in my life I can disclose to. I do write in a journal at times, but so far I'm not sure how much it helps me. Although I am terrified of group, I do think that it may help.

Originally Posted by Sannah

We can support you here as you get used to the group. I didn't trust females because of my mom and I got a lot better at it. When I was in a situation where I wasn't doing well with a female I would tell myself right in that moment that this female is not my mom. It really helped. You can also share in group that you aren't comfortable if you feel okay about that. When is your first meeting?

Thank you. I do try very hard to remind myself that when I get upset it may very well be linked to the past. Instinct, though, is hard to change. Tomorrow I have my second meeting with the head of the group. I am quite nervous, but I hope it will ease my mind of the whole group process. I should find out during the meeting if I am joining or not, and when my first meeting will be.