[tinyrabbit]

Soon after I started therapy, I read something about how it can help abuse survivors to voice and process pain and trauma. I thought: "That sounds great, but that's not why I'm there. I'm there to learn what's wrong with me and learn how to be less ****." I became increasingly confused when my T said things like: "You have all this torture in your system..." and "It's about learning to be gentler with yourself."

This weekend, I thought I was reality-checking my belief that I am there because I am worthless. I thought: "Wow, is it possible I could be allowed to use therapy to process pain and trauma, and not have to talk about how **** I am? Is it possible he would let me go to therapy to feel better, and not make me see how **** I am? That's so kind of him!"

Then it dawned on me that maybe that was toxic shame talking, but I just couldn't see that, because it seemed like the truth. However much I read about how you can be affected, I still think: "Well, sure, that makes sense for other people - but me, I'm just a piece of ****."

It seems absurd to me that I could be at therapy to heal, because bad things happened to me, and not because there is something fundamentally wrong with me. Part of me knows this is toxic shame talking, but I don't have enough to replace it with yet.

Early on, I wrote something down and when my T read it he said: "Oh sh_t," in this really shocked and dismayed voice. And for about 3-4 weeks after, I kept repeating it to myself, exactly how he'd said it. "Oh sh_t. Oh sh_t." I realised I was trying to replace the voice in my head that minimises, that says nothing happened, and if anything did happen it's all my fault, and that was all I had to replace it with so far.

Is it really possible for me to go to therapy because bad things happened to me and I haven't dealt with them? Or is my therapist thinking: "I can't believe she has the gall to come in here and complain about other people and make out that she isn't the problem."

Because he must think that, because it's me. I've put off talking to him about it because I'm so convinced he will laugh and tell me I'm not here to complain about other people. I want to believe that's distorted thinking, but the problem is I think it's the truth, because it's my truth.

[astenon]

Firstly, you should be able to tell your T anything without them laughing at you. You are there to work through issues that are bothering you, or which are stopping you being happy. The more information they have, the more they should be able to help.

As for the "Oh Shoot" comment. Maybe the T had an idea of what was going on, but realised the situation was a lot more complicated than they first thought or contained information that they hadn't considered. It sounds like whatever you wrote surprised them.

Soon after I started therapy, I read something about how it can help abuse survivors to voice and process pain and trauma. I thought: "That sounds great, but that's not why I'm there. I'm there to learn what's wrong with me and learn how to be less ****."

Why do the two approaches have to be mutually exclusive? To be less **** you need to understand what is making you ****. That may be something that's wrong or it could be because of the pain and trauma. It could even be a long chain: you're **** because there's something wrong and the something wrong was caused by the trauma. Did that all make sense?

Please note, I personally do not think you're ****. I'm just continuing your analogy. Try not to be so hard on yourself.

Hope that helps.

[roads]

Whoever abused you did so because of whom they are ... not because of whom you are. You were only the victim ... You could have been anyone, it didn't matter who. You didn't cause it.

What happened to you was a crime.
You didn't do anything except become the victim of the crime.
Whomever it that did this to you was a criminal.

These events will eventually be a matter for the courts, and then the law of your country will want you to talk about who did what, and when & where it happened. But you will be part of a process.

So yes, tinyrabbit ... Initially you need to get out you feelings about how you felt, physically and emotionally, when you first were abused. Your theripist will help you process and explore what you're been through.

roadie

[tinyrabbit]

In response to Astenon (cannot seem to get the quote thing working at all): I don't actually think he will laugh at me. It's just a nasty version of him that lives inside my psyche (so really it's me) who laughs at me.

When he said "Oh shoot," it was one specific thing I told him about my childhood, which I thought was trivial, and he thought was terrible. It wasn't something he could have guessed. So his reaction absolutely blew my mind. In a good way. As I thought he would say it was no big deal.

Roadie, no court would care. It's all the kind of stuff that seems trivial in isolation, until you put it together.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

is it possible I could be allowed to use therapy to process pain and trauma, and not have to talk about how **** I am? Is it possible he would let me go to therapy to feel better, and not make me see how **** I am?

I could be at therapy to heal, because bad things happened to me, and not because there is something fundamentally wrong with me.

I agree with both ^ of these things. Sounds like you are having some great awareness on this. Good work!

[astenon]

With quotes, if all else fails, cut and paste the line you want to quote and then surround it with {quote} and {/quote} where those curly brackets are actually square ones []. If I did it properly, I'm not sure what the website would have made of it

Hope that works

[tinyrabbit]

Thanks, I will try it when not on my phone.

[tinyrabbit]

Thanks again for your replies. So today I told my T about how I kept repeating what he said to comfort myself and he said: "I just felt really upset when I heard that. In my head I just threw my arms around you." (We don't touch so that was a safe way for him to hug me.)

We talked about how I am currently seeking his approval and validation, and how I shouldn't do that forever - that it wouldn't be right if he let me get 'stuck'. He told me he used to have stomach aches every day, and he used to ask his mum every day if they would go away, and she kept saying yes, which was reassuring but didn't actually solve the problem.

So basically I need to learn to stop asking if the stomach ache will go away, and actually get rid of the stomach ache.

And he told me I needed to (gradually) learn to trust my own opinion, and I told him no, he was wrong, I wasn't able to trust my own opinion. Er, that would be an opinion of my own right there, ironically! He's crafty...