I haven't seen my dad in person in many, many years, but we reconciled (as much as reasonably possible) by long distance almost a decade ago.

He goes to Federal Prison tomorrow after sentencing. He's very scared...an old man now. His health is terrible. He had surgery yesterday and can barely stand. I'm one of the few people that he has to talk to.

I'm very torn. I want to be there for him. I feel badly for him, but I can't testify in his defense at the sentencing hearing. I'm afraid that the child inside me would rise up and do something horrible.

I'm stressed out and depressed. There's a little piece of me that feels triumphant that no-one can ever again say that I made things up, but then I feel guilty for having such thoughts about a weak old man that can't hurt anyone anymore. And there's another part of me that really doesn't want anyone to know I'll have a parent in prison.

And there's a part that just shrugs and says, "It's his karma coming back to him." There's also a part that's enraged, listening to the things he says and realizing how little awareness he has about the damage he's done to people. His denial runs deep, and he's an expert at making it all work in his head so that he didn't do anything wrong.

But mostly, I just feel sad for him and his families. Including me.

It's negative emotion soup. I like to stay positive, but today, it's not working.

[HealingTimes]

ThroughTheFire, i don't have any wise words, but didnt want to leave without sending you strength, and hugs if you need them and if thats OK with you.

THANK YOU, HealingTimes! Hugs back!

[porcelainchild]

Hi ya,

I have no words either, but wanted to give you hugs, so you know i read..

Claire..

Thanks, Claire. It feels good to know that people read and commiserate. Makes me not so alone.

[tinyrabbit]

Hugs from me too. I'm not surprised you feel torn and confused, anyone would.

Thanks, tinyrabbit. It's good to know I'm not crazy! BTW, I like your sig. It sounds like me right now, since I have to be the rock for everyone else.

[HealingTimes]

Originally Posted by ThroughTheFire

Thanks, tinyrabbit. It's good to know I'm not crazy! BTW, I like your sig. It sounds like me right now, since I have to be the rock for everyone else.

Dont forget to take care of yourself too, ThroughTheFire. Sending another hug your way.

Thanks, HealingTimes. Crying now. He got 8 years. He's old and very sick. He won't live long enough to ever be free again.

[HealingTimes]

Do you have any members of your family that you can be with today?

No. Just as well. Talked to them. Lots of screaming.

Everyone's freaking a different way: rage, PTSD, schizophrenic / suicidal episode, depression... For once, I envy the drug addicts. They're off in a world where this never happened. I just hope everyone makes it through to tomorrow. I don't want to be attending any funerals.

I'm going to see my boyfriend. He knows this was D-Day for me. <3

God, this never ends! He's in the news again, because of the sentencing. And I'm referenced in passing, although not by name. (Thankfully.)

I forgave him. I put it behind me. Now it's like they're stabbing me over and over again, in super slow motion! I just want this to be private. I want to get on with a relatively normal life.

I hope none of the others who are on the edge see the coverage. It would push them over!

It pisses me off that no-one would help us when we needed it, but now, decades later, suddenly everyone wants to prove how morally outraged they are on our behalf by going obscenely overboard with media coverage and punishment. I wish I could tell them, "This doesn't make you a better person. It doesn't help anyone. It only hurts people."

[HealingTimes]

Oh TTF, i am sending you such a huge hug (with your permission, it thats ok), i wish i could take away all the hurting for you.

I would try to not read the papers or look at the news for the time being, and just concentrate on yourself, and getting yourself through the next few weeks or months.

Are you having therapy to help deal with things? If not, do you think you may benefit from it?

I went through therapy a long time ago. I don't feel that it would do me any good now. This forum actually helps a lot more. I'm talking to people who *really* understand!

I'm doing better today. Seeing the articles last night messed me up, but it's time to get back on my feet. I have a lot of work to do, and other hurting people to call and support.

I just wish I could communicate with them better. It's hard to push through someone's schizophrenia or PTSD or bipolar freakout.

[BLUEDOVE]

Hi Fire,
The only thing I can come up with is:
Whatever the feelings,you can only 1.Not betray who you are. And 2.Not betray the child
you once were . . . ESPECIALLY the child you once were. Annddd,look at how DECENT a human being you are,and be KIND to YOU.
Deepest Respect+Kindness,
BLUEDOVE

Thanks, Bluedove. Loving and wise words.

I talked to a couple of them. My mom wants me to give unconditional love to my dad. I told her that I've done everything I can to support him in this, but I can't give him love, because I don't love him. She seemed ok with that, but when I mentioned how great my boyfriend has been, she said, "I don't know what he sees in you."

Sigh. Then she told me that my dad had always loved me very much, but that it wasn't sexual. And I answered, "It was both!". At first, she denied it. Then she tried to change dates around to minimize the abuse. I calmly said that we were all going through a lot today, and that invalidating each other wasn't helpful. She stopped!

Honestly, most of the family is being surprisingly calm, considering their mixtures of rage AT my dad, and rage ON HIS BEHALF, in addition to pre-existing issues. (There's still a few people I'm really worried about, though.) We're all in agreement that it's time to put the past behind us and support him the best we can going forward.

The good news is that he's apparently in the jail infirmary now. They put him in there immediately, so they recognize how bad his health is, which is a good thing.

[Daylight003]

Hi ThroughTheFire ~

I'm sorry for what you're going through and I wish I had some wise words to give you but I'm not really sure if I can be of much help I'm afraid... All I can say is that you sound like a very mature, wise and sensible person. I hope you find the strength to remain strong through this tough time.

Take care and throwing another hug your way (like you have a choice) =P

LOL! Thanks, Daylight.

I'm doing alright now. My emotional downturns don't usually last that long before I'm back on track. (Wish the others had the same luck!)

It's a good thing, too. The next crisis is already here. That's the way dysfunctional families work, I guess. Fortunately for me, my personal life is pretty crisis-free, so that gives me breathing room. <deep breath>

Onwards and upwards! And thanks so much to everyone who sent their support. It really means a lot.

[grace428]

Originally Posted by ThroughTheFire

LOL! Thanks, Daylight.

I'm doing alright now. My emotional downturns don't usually last that long before I'm back on track. (Wish the others had the same luck!)

It's a good thing, too. The next crisis is already here. That's the way dysfunctional families work, I guess. Fortunately for me, my personal life is pretty crisis-free, so that gives me breathing room. <deep breath>

Onwards and upwards! And thanks so much to everyone who sent their support. It really means a lot.

Wow do you sound like me and my life! I was the oldest in the same type of family, my mother also devalued me constantly while my dad abused me constantly. 1965 was when he was sent to a state mental hosp. for 2 years and diagnosed psychopathic personality, for which there is no cure and, after years of therapy for ptsd, mpd, depression, anxiety am just coming to terms with the fact that our love was one way, I loved him even though he was incapable of loving me, just using me. But the dissonance was hard to get through. He died in 2000 and we could have 15 min conversations on the phone, only, (all I could take) but I was at peace with this arrangement. I had one brother who was diagnosed schizophrenic and mpd along with chemical addictions who eventually downed a bottle of pain killers and died. His psychiatrist said his big problem was that he could not forgive our dad for the abuse he suffered. I struggled with wanting to help him, but he would not tell me where he was staying, to protect me from his environment, which he said was very dangerous. I'm glad he is at peace now.
The reason I looked for a forum of this type was to talk about a current issue that I am beginning to overcome. I was spiritually/emotionally abused by a Christian counselor a few years ago. I started having DID symptoms again from it, and could not even go near the institution he works at. I would see him occassionally driving through town, and hated the emotions that came up. I've been seeing a psychologist for the past 3 years about this issue and am pleased to find that when I saw him on tv last night I actually didn't have any more bad or hurt feelings toward him, but thought, "I hope he's doing better too". This is a huge breakthrough for me, even though I still have ptsd and probably always will.
But I can say to you "I've been there". It's hard, but for some reason God gives more strength it seems to some than others. You, my friend, are a real blessing to me and pray God will continue to strengthen you in your unique journey

[adam_k]

I'm sorry for what you had tongo through. It can be difficult to care about a parent and at the same time be hurt by what they did to you and how they hurt you on such an emotional level. While it sounds like you dont want your dad to go to prison, I hope you find resolution in that he is paying for his crime and he shouldn't have hurt you in the way he did. I hope you find inner peace and can be ok with all of this one day soon. Best wishes and take care of yourself.

QuietGrace: Gosh, thanks!

Honestly, it sounds like you had it worse than me. I'm really sorry to hear about all that, but I'm so glad that you were able to see an abuser on TV and only have positive thoughts. That's amazing, beautiful and strong!

My mom has gotten increasingly supportive of me over the years. It's just when her PTSD or MPD or bipolar get activated that she becomes something else, and she's much, much more stable now. I was distrustful of affection from her for a long time, but love is love, even if it's erratic.

They did a psych analysis on my dad, but I don't know the results. I suspect some form of ASPD / narcissism. He cares deeply about suffering people in the abstract, but when it comes to interaction, he can only maintain for about 15 minutes... unless he has something to gain from them. To his credit, he's put a lot of effort into being affectionate and loving to us in this past year, and it can't be easy when he doesn't get much affection back. There wasn't anything we could do to help him (although we tried), so this may have been the real deal.

There's been a number of near-suicides in my family, but so far (fortunately), none have been successful.

Soooo... Things are certainly not perfect, but overall, they're better then they were. Let's hope that trend continues!

adam-k, thanks for the support.

What angers me about the whole prison thing is that it helps no-one, but damages many. He hasn't touched anyone in decades, and we've each made peace our own way. But that peace has been ripped to shreds by the justice system.

Prosecutors lied to people to make their case, saying that the statue of limitations had run out, and that they just wanted background info. Now those who gave statements have rage and guilt that they were used to put an old, sick man in jail.

Someone on the inside told us that prosecutors just needed someone's head to put on a stick. He's a tool for them to make points and nothing else. The media coverage was 100% due to press releases from THEM! And most of it touts what a great job they're doing to protect the innocent. Which they're not. It's a game, not justice.

[grace428]

Soooo... Things are certainly not perfect, but overall, they're better then they were. Let's hope that trend continues![/quote]

Throughthefire..Yep! Again I am so glad to meet and talk to you-not many (fortunately) who have walked in our shoes and keep on walking! Praying you will find peace in spite of the 'system' which doesn't always work for the victim or their family, but tries as best they know how, being made up of imperfect humans like ourselves. As I have learned, there is grace enough for all in any circumstance.

Quietgrace, that's a beautiful perspective.

Yeah, I know things were done with the best of intentions. All the prosecutors see is a "bad guy", and the subtleties of the situation are entirely lost on them. (Although the defense attorneys were amazing! They got the big picture.)

I'm always taken aback by the violent rage that some people express on my behalf. *I* don't want revenge. I don't want anyone to be harmed. I want healing. I want more love in the world.

I see the dominoes endlessly falling. I know what created each person's issues. I know how the next domino will fall, IF those issues aren't dealt with.

But for many, "justice" means "I'll kill that bastard if you want me to." It freaks me out, but I know it's because they care so much. I just wish that people wouldn't immediately look to violence and punishment before stepping back and fully considering the situation.

[grace428]

Originally Posted by ThroughTheFire

Quietgrace, that's a beautiful perspective.

Yeah, I know things were done with the best of intentions. All the prosecutors see is a "bad guy", and the subtleties of the situation are entirely lost on them. (Although the defense attorneys were amazing! They got the big picture.)

I'm always taken aback by the violent rage that some people express on my behalf. *I* don't want revenge. I don't want anyone to be harmed. I want healing. I want more love in the world.

I see the dominoes endlessly falling. I know what created each person's issues. I know how the next domino will fall, IF those issues aren't dealt with.

But for many, "justice" means "I'll kill that bastard if you want me to." It freaks me out, but I know it's because they care so much. I just wish that people wouldn't immediately look to violence and punishment before stepping back and fully considering the situation.

ThroughTheFire-you have a beautifully humble spirit, the fruits of healing. Hope you get some relaxation for a while.