[mistyberkowitz]

Hi I'm new, looking for a few kind words and/or comments...
My mother has been emotionally abusive to me my whole life. I have always been ugly, stupid, and wrong--never a kind word. I stopped telling her anything of consequence years ago. Se is totally self-involved. My dad died 1 1/2 ago. He was sweet, depressed, alcoholic. Mother verbally abused him too, either screaming or silent treatment. I stayed close by for years, hoping for something that felt like family. My sister moved away 25 years ago and kept her contact sporadic. 5 years ago when I moved away to be with the man who is now my husband my mother sent a nasty letter to me saying, "I had the embarassing experience of telling a social worker I have no family near by..." Recently my sister, the Prodigal Daughter, and I moved mother to an assisted living facility near us. My husband and I also worked like dogs selling my mom's house for her. When we asked her for some $ she promised us for doing so, she became abusive, saying insulting things about my husband and then sending us a really nasty letter. I flipped out, and sent her a letter detailing how horrible she's been to me all these years. Haven't heard back from her. I alternate between feeling guilty and angry. She's a lonely old lady with no one. But I don't think I can spend anymore time around her. Oh, and people who don't know her think he's sweet! I beat myself up over what I did, wish I had a loving mother. Any comments kind words appreciated. Thanks for reading.

[InACorner]

My heart goes out to. You have had a rough time and now are trying to come to grips with an elderly lady who was and is abusive to you and your husband. I am very sorry that you have been put in this situation. I hate to say it though it probably wont do much trying to get everyone to understand how horrible she was to you. Perhaps your sister took take the burdan for you. You did half maybe she can do the other half of it. If she refuses talk to your husband and tell him you feel trapped, maybe he has a plan or some idea. I am schooled at an assisted living facility, i know family members who just dont bother with their family anymore..im guessing they are now the states problem. I wouldnt suggest this however, I dont really know what else advice to give you im sorry. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Good luck my friend. PM me anytime

[JustAPixie]

(((((((( mistyberkowitz )))))))

This is a really hard thing you are faced with... I have the same thing going with my sister. People who meet her can't understand that I think she is the antichrist... but as I see it, you have a few choices...

You can either decide that you do not want anything to do with her anymore and withdraw from her completely... but you will probably feel guilty for the rest of your life about it, and always be wondering and wishing...

You can continue the fight and try to get her to understand how you feel (with or without being nasty...) This will take a long time to accomplish as she is probably already set in her ways and don't even realise to what extent she hurts you... Maybe try to find out about her childhood... it could be that she has some unresolved issues that she doesn't know how to deal with and this behaviour is all she knows... Maybe she just wants to be honest, but in the process she uses language and tone that is very hurtful and she doesn't know it... Maybe she feels inferior because you have a better life than she had and she tries to drag you down... there could be a million reasons for her behaviour, but worse is you can find out there is absolutely no reason for her to behave like this...

Another option is to just take the high road... which hhas its up and down side... You can try to look past all this and just be there for her and maybe she will see it? But, maybe she won't... this will definately take a lot of energy and control on your part, but it will let her have a better life than you not being there at all... She will breath her last breath and know that you cared for and loved her...
The downside is that you may never resolve your anger towards her and this can lead to years of resentment on your part....

I know how tough your situation is, and I know how tempting it is to bite back... but will it change anything? What do you want to accomplish with your mother? Do you want her to understand, or do you just want to have a better relationship, or both??? Keep your goals for the relationship in mind all the time....

I really hope you are able to have a family again....

Pixie

[Rhapsody]

((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS )))))))

Hang in there and please do not feel guilty any longer.... you did what your soul needed - as to heal. This type of thing happened to my family about 3 years ago (after 20 years of secrets & lies) and as strange as it may sound...... WE all HEALED that NIGHT in HISTORY.

Some times I think all the families Dirty Little Secrets have to be brought to the front (into the light) in order for the process of true healing to take place.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[mistyberkowitz]

Thank You Thank You Thank You for your kind words and advice...I'm reading this great book called "When You and Your Mother Can't be Friends" and it helps calm my anxiety. I just wish my mother would write back, and maybe some healing can happen, conversations like JustAPixie suggested...mother's 80th b-day is in April, thinking if I haven't heard from her I'd send and card and try to re-open some contact..don't know...

Thanks again

Hi Misty

I feelfor you so much. I have a really rocky relationship with both my parent, but my mum especially as she has never been able to love unconditionally. I have never been able to do anything right. Iwas always too fat, too thin orwhen I tried to please her, never good enough. She was never there for me when I needed her. She chose "men"over me, chosing not to believe me when one of them abused me. This site enables me to speak to some wonderful peoplewho have been through similar things themselves. I have never been able to talk about it before. Please feel free to pm me anytime. I am here for you,along with many others.

Take care

(((((((((big hug))))))))

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