[winkynjr]

There has got to be a way that I can deal with my past when my soon to be ex husband is here in the same house. he is around at least every 2 weeks when he pays me child support. Tonight he is actually also playing a little bit of xbox with his son. I just really end up screwed up, numb and disassociated everytime he is around because of the flashbacks and memories. Usually the first thing I want to do when he leaves is shower and cut/ burn......I have got to get over this crap!! its bad enough that I blame myself for the abuse because if I gave it to him more maybe he wouldn't have to go on porn so much or maybe he would not have taken it from me even when I said no!!! wow I cant believe I wrote that!! anyways now I really want to burn or do something!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Badaxe]

Ughhh he is complete scum. You have no reason to feel guilty. No one should ever ever ever feel guilty for saying no to sex when they don't want it, or for not wanting sex.

Please don't blame yourself.

Maybe talking to other people who've been through similar things as you would help you in some way. I wish I had something to say that could help you.

Again, it is not your fault. Maybe realizing that might help in some way? idk

[Travelinglady]

Hi! I agree that you need to be able to deal with these feelings and flashbacks, especially since they make you want to harm yourself. I see you are also blaming yourself for his behavior. I'm not sure even if you had been more available it would have kept him from porn.

Are you seeing a therapist? I really believe working with one would be the best way to deal with what is happening to you. I hope you can be nice to yourself in the meantime and avoid hurting yourself.

[growlithing]

I'm really sorry this happened to you. I'm not really sure how much this helps, but it was always my understanding that rape isn't necessarily about sex as it is about power and wanting to overpower someone. In that regard, I'm not sure any amount of sex you consented to could stop him from doing what he did. And porn is very different from real sex. Some men (and women) just really like porn and will watch it regardless of how much sex they are getting. I just don't think you're really being fair to yourself by saying it was your fault. It wasn't your fault that he was so cruel to violate you like that.

That being said, I've never gone through your situation so please forgive me if I am being in anyway insensitive. I was, however, subject to physical and emotional abuse in childhood so I do understand victim blaming and SI accompanying that. I know that hearing a stranger say it's not your fault online isn't going to just magically change your mind, so I do really hope you are seeing someone to discuss all of this. This wasn't your fault and you deserve help so you can overcome this cruel man.