[Lissanya]

Hi, this is my first post here. I was abused as a kid. It wasn't a lot of abuse. I didn't think that it was serious or anything. But I talked to my best friend and to my brother about some of it and they disagree. There's this huge mess inside of me now and I want to make some sense of it. I was hoping maybe I can talk to you guys and you can help me because I can't talk to people I know again...

Sexual abuse
A stranger molested me when I was 8. Then a doctor molested me during the appointment when I was 13. The first incident was kinda serious but the second not much. I kicked him in the balls, too, so that fixed it.

Physical abuse
Until I was 16, my mom would often hit me with her shoe and she'd pull me around by my hair, too. Other than that, my grandma (mom's mom) thought that boys build testosterone by being violent so she made my younger brother beat the crap out of me. He'd hit me with anything he could get his hands on (mostly belts, branches and brooms). He also threw things at me and he'd run me over with things (usually his bicycle or his toy car but on one special occasion he ran over my legs with my dad's car). Most of it should be children playing or bullying at worse but I wasn't allowed to respond to it, so it felt more like my grandma was using him to abuse me.

Emotional neglect/Verbal abuse
God, there was a lot of this. This was the only serious abuse, I think. My mom and grandma told me I was worthless in every way they could. They both had very short tempers, they flew off the handle in a matter of seconds and did all they could to hurt me. At the slightest provocation, they'd yell at me for a long time and then they'd sit in the living room for hours and talk badly about me. Then, my dad didn't let me hug or kiss him. He often said that I was boring. He just ignored me all the time. He showed preference to my brother, too, like my grandma did. He just kept doing stupid hurtful things but he doesn't understand it. He was like a complete stranger to me and I felt very nervous around him.

Last but not least, mom didn't believe me when I said I was sick, so I didn't go to the doctor often. She made me go off painkillers when I was 12 even though I was in serious need of painkillers for a chronic issue I had. Also, starting at 10, if I could prove that I was sick, I stayed home alone.

There were many more bad things but, of course, there were also many good things that I haven't mentioned. It's just that my entire family is pretty dysfunctional. Both grandfathers were WW2 veterans that suffered from PSTD and both grandmothers ended up being servants and living at the stable. They did a lot better than they could have, given the circumstances. I just wish they'd put in some effort, like, maybe read a parenting book or something.

Lately, I keep thinking about how I'd decided that my family didn't want or love me when I was 5, etc. I'd distanced myself from all the bad things and now the feelings are back and they won't go away. I remember how I felt when I was a kid and I understand why I felt unloved. But I don't know if my feelings were right? My mom doesn't deny any of it but she thinks that I feel like I've been abused because I don't know what abuse is. I don't know...

If anyone manages to read all of this, I'm sorry for it being so huge and I guess I'd just like some insight? I don't know. Was I seriously abused? Do I need to do something about it? I can't afford therapy. What else is there?

[shezbut]

I am sorry Lissanya.

It sounds really sad that your Grandma didn't have much love or respect for you. I can relate in a lot of ways!! Your experience isn't healthy or normal. It sounds abusive to me ~ emotionally and physically. You did (unfortunately) experience sexual abuse as well, and that sure doesn't help us grow into healthy young adults either.

I really can't offer much advice...other than: reach out now for professional help! My past has continued to plague me, despite seeing therapists for many years. The trick is that I have so many problems...they sort of take "center stage" until I have worked through more recent complications in life. It's a real pain in the arse!

Just keep reaching out for emotional support. Check out chat groups that meet in your area. Look into T's working for your local county (if you're in the US), as they are typically working on a sliding scale, which makes help a LOT more affordable!

Gentle hugs...I wish you the best!

[Lissanya]

I kept rewriting and deleting and in the end I didn't even say what I wanted to, so I'll try to explain again.

As a kid, I was convinced that nobody loved me at home. As I said, I decided that I wasn't my parents' child when I was 5 and I didn't stop looking for proof that I was adopted until I was 12. I started hoping to get sick and die when I was 10 and a friend got leukemia. I always knew that I'd gotten abused but I didn't think that I'd gotten abused enough to warrant all this.

My brother and I were raised very differently, as you can imagine. Like, my mom would hit me but she didn't get to hit my brother at all because someone always intervened. He'd hit my dad and it was fine but if I talked back there would be yelling and it would end with my mom wishing I hadn't been born because I'm worthless. So, I don't know if I'm making any sense, but I thought that the difference in how we were raised caused me to behave like that as a kid and not the abuse itself.

My brother thinks that it was enough abuse, though. And my friend in particular, whose family is a lot less dysfunctional and she got lots of details, was looking at me with her mouth wide open the whole time. My mom on the other hand, says that if I think that I got abused it's because I don't know what abuse is, which is closer to what I thought. I considered myself lucky to have the family that I do and I thought that I was just too sensitive and very dramatic and a bit unworthy of them because I was being unfair towards them. And now I'm just very confused and I'm trying to figure out what happened to me but I can't seem to be able to do it by myself. Am I making any sense now?

[A Red Panda]

Lissanya; yes, you had a very abusive childhood. There might have been good times (hell, even great times) but that doesn't remove the fact that you were abused in many ways, and all of it is serious. Don't believe your mother when she says that you don't know what abuse is. Go to any website about childhood abuse and you will see yourself in a lot of it, I'm sure.

So your brother believes that it was abuse, and that he helped inflict it on you? What does he feel about his own childhood?

Have you read about Narcissitic parents? I'm not saying that your parents are as I don't know enough about them... but it certainly sounds like your brother had the role of "Golden Child" which is a common term used in literature about narcissism... and you were the "Scapegoat" which is another common term used.

I am so sorry that you are doubting yourself and your memories. I'm so sorry that they're actively trying to make you think that all of this is your fault. It isn't your fault. They should have never treated you the way that they did. You didn't do anything wrong, and you didn't do anything to deserve it.

[Lissanya]

Red Panda, I've been thinking that my mom might have been a Narcissistic Parent fot a while. She definitely fits some of the criteria. She has many issues. I was definitely not the Scapegoat, though. I was her favorite child. She's even said it to my brother. And she used to tell me that she was the only one who loved me and the only one I could trust. My brother briefly became her favorite when I was 16 and he says that it was terrifying. He also says that she hit us more than I say she did. And I don't know how to explain it... I *know* that he's right, even though I don't remember it? But then I worry that I'm making it up because I'm always afraid that I'm just like my mom. My brother keeps having to reassure me that it's not true. All in all, Ι think that I was more like a Golden Child even though I wasn't that, either. I got more abuse than my brother did because she "loved" me more.

So your brother believes that it was abuse, and that he helped inflict it on you? What does he feel about his own childhood?

My brother says that mom the only dark spot in his childhood. Grandma never seemed abusive to him, she seemed like the most entertaining person in the world. She was more like a mom to him than our mom was. He doesn't think that he had a bad childhood but there are things that he understands and he regrets now. Both grandma and dad treated him a lot better than they did me.

I wrote here afrer I had a huge fight with mom. It was the first time I ever mentioned to her that I felt like nobody ever loved me. She started to tell me that I never should have felt that and that we should talk about it but then she changed her mind, I guess, because she told me that it was proof that nobody ever abused me. I was just born "wrong" and maybe if they had actually abused me, I would have learned to respect them a bit. It made me so mad. I had been going through all of that and nobody even bothered to do something, even though the signs were there. Doesn't that say something about my family? So, on the one hand, it's nice to be have someone tell me that she's wrong but on the other hand it's like... I can't believe that I was abused. I don't want to. And... I feel like I don't deserve the title of the survivor? Like, I'm basically asking people to tell me that I was abused, which means I have a victim complex, which means I'm like my mom and I'm faking things. But at this point, I don't even care how my parents will appear. And it's nice to be able to say that they screwed up, that I don't have to make excuses for them and not feel guilty. Then, I felt that I had everything clear in my head. It's like I had completed a puzzle and now I'm realizing that I left many pieces out and I have to start over. I'm very conflicted. And very... sensitive? I was roughhousing with my brother earlier today and I had to scream "stop" because I froze. I felt like I did when I was a kid and it hasn't happened in years. I've been responding to things like I would have as a child in the last few days and it's awful. I'm afraid I opened a can of worms.

I guess I'll just stop now because I wrote too big a post again. Thanks for your responses!

[A Red Panda]

Lissanya, I forget, but are you going to therapy? If not.... I strongly suggest you do, ok? They're the best person to help you sort out your feelings about all of this.

Your mother saying that she's the only one who loves you and the only person you can trust is manipulation. She was convincing you that it was ok to abuse you "because she loves you". She was isolating you from everyone else when she said things like that, so that you would believe all of the horrible things she's said about you - which is true, you DO believe the things that she's said, and you're only just starting to sort those out now.

Here's an article that I read a while ago, about Narcissitc mothers. While I read it, I was identifying my mom and/or my brother in just about everything. I even printed it off and highlighted what fit (and as I'm weird, I used three colours - one for my mom, one for my brother, and one for both. The colour for both was the predominant one used, and almost the entire article was highlighted)

And your mom's logic on things is wrong, btw. "I don't feel like anyone ever loved me" is NOT proof that you were NOT abused. It doesn't equate to "I was imagining that no one loved me so I must have imagined the abuse as well" - doesn't that sound ridiculous? Because it is ridiculous. If a child doesn't feel loved... there's a reason for it. If it's the sort of feeling that only lasts for a day or so, it could just be a child reacting normally to something like not being allowed to eat ice cream before going to bed. But that feeling a child has will go away when things return to a loving family relationship. If that feeling lasts all the way into adulthood, like it has for you, then it is NOT an overreaction or something imagined - it means that love was missing from your life.

How did your mother treat you better than your brother? If you were truly her favourite, she would have treated you a lot better. I'm sorry, but I'm going to take a little guess here ok? It sounds like your mother simply used that sentence, that you were the favourite, as a tactic to manipulate your brother. It was said to create jealousy between you and to make your brother cooperate more easily with the abuse towards you. On the other hand, it also served as a simple tool to convince you that you were wrong - because who would abuse the favourite if they hadn't done something wrong, right? I'm sorry, but it really sounds like it was a lie that your mother told as a way to control both of you. You would have struggled to maintain that belief because it was probably one of the few things that "proved" your mom loved you, right? So you wouldn't have questioned the abuse as you would have believed that she wouldn't do that to you unless she REALLY had to?

Anyway. I am really making a lot of guesses and assumptions here, and I am soooo sorry if I have any of that totally wrong or say anything to upset you... I'm just probably thinking a bit about my own family and about what I've read about the topic.

((Fyi, my mom's "favourite" was publicly me right up until my brother joined the army at age 18. I was smart, well-behaved and all of those things... all the things that would be good to boast and brag about as a parent. At home, however, I stopped being the "favourite" by the time I was 6. As soon as I started to speak up for myself at home I immediately stopped being that favourite because I wasn't the exact copy of her that I suppose she wanted me to be. My brother, on the other hand, is pretty much her spitting image except male. As a kid, publicly, he was not the favourite as he got into trouble at school a lot and wasn't very academic. At home he was the favourite as he could do whatever he wanted and although he got into trouble more often than I did... his "punishment" would last like 10 minutes. So... he still holds on to yelling at me that I was always the favourite and got treated better - but he can't tell me how except that I didn't get into trouble. My response was always "I didn't get into trouble because I didn't cause **** at school and I didn't argue or throw or break things". But if you look at the THINGS - he was always the favourite as he could do what he wanted, he could visit friends whenever he wanted, he did not have to essentially be a slave at home during his summers, and they paid and took him to whatever sports he wanted, and there was zero pressure ever put on him to perform well. But he'll never see that, because he's a narcissist. He just sees that his image that he wanted was not supported by my family publicly until he joined the army)).

[tinyrabbit]

Abuse is kind of like racism, in that it doesn't really matter how much there was: any is a problem, any is too much.

I'm sorry you were hurt in so many ways. I couldn't read all of your post as I'm a bit spaced out today but I wanted to say that.