[athena.agathon]

This is a weird one, but I can spend hours and hours reading books and academic journal articles about trauma, trauma therapy, and sequelae of abuse, while I isolate myself, ignore my basic physical needs, and basically make myself an anxious, spaced out nervous wreck. It’s like I think if I can just read enough and get enough information, I can fix myself, but I just make myself worse.

Today, I spent hours on the couch reading Therapy for Adults Molested as Children by John Briere. At 8PM, I realized I hadn’t eaten since this morning, and I almost passed out because I so felt nauseated and light headed and dissociated trying to get up and remedy that situation. I ended up laying down on the floor in the living room (thank Gd I’m the only person at home this weekend, so I can act crazy without any roommate involvement) while I tried to collect myself.

I know from all that extensive reading that maybe one way to look at this is as an attempt at mastery, but it feels very compulsive and maybe a little self-destructive.

I want to talk to my therapist about this bizarre behavior, but I am so embarrassed that I am doing this to myself.

Does anybody else struggle with this kind of behavior? Am I completely crazy?

[Shadow13]

Oh my goodness. Since my T and I have been slowly delving into this, I have gotten books from the library, and bought books, and audios and e books for the kindle. I can't stop. It's like I finally realized what had happened and that others have gone through it and people have written about it. I sooo understand and sympathize. My T did suggest I do some reading, but I don't think either of us realized what the result could be. I hope you can work this out to a place where you can be balanced in caring for yourself and learning.
(((((((hugs)))))))

[A Red Panda]

I totally understand obsessing about a topic and overdoing it.

A while ago there was some other thread... not sure where on the forum... but the advice that was given was this:

Give yourself 1 hour per day. 1 hour per day where you can just read as much as you want. The rest of the day, you can't spend your time reading about it. That way you can live your life, but you also know that there is that safe hour where you can read about it without feeling guilty or anything else.

Do you think you could try something like that, so that you'll remember to take care of yourself?

((Says me, who has just spent the entire weekend watching Netflix. No joke. Maybe an hour's worth of the weekend has be doing misc. things like eating))

[tinyrabbit]

If it helps, this is pretty common - lots of people do similar things.

Personally, I think abuse is about loss of power, and information can make you feel empowered and in control, and remind you that you're not alone. You had experiences that were probably very frightening and upsetting - being able to read about them and make sense of them can be a powerful thing.

[Solepa]

Oh… I do this SO much! I read anything I could get my hands on, I can watch hours and hours of videos on YouTube about abuse, movies … it certainly is an obsession for me and I have no idea why! For long time I didn't have any reaction to it but since I started T things changed. On Sunday I was again fully into it and then I started to feel really anxious and I was actually shaking. That was when I asked myself why the hell do I do this to myself???

[athena.agathon]

Originally Posted by Solepa

I started to feel really anxious and I was actually shaking. That was when I asked myself why the hell do I do this to myself???

Yes! This is what I'm talking about...I will read until my anxiety level is so ramped up that I get numb and spaced out. It's the compulsiveness and the way that I am so obviously making myself sick doing it that is disturbing. Maybe I should try limiting myself to one hour a day but it is really hard to stop myself.

[(JD)]

You're seeking answers, trying to heal. Please don't be concerned about discussing this with your T... what's the worst T can say but please don't do therapy outside of the session? If it's distressing you, it may be pushing you faster into healing than you're ready for, and T can slow that down. Or it may be giving you great topics for discussion in session---but only if you share with T!

[athena.agathon]

Originally Posted by (JD)

You're seeking answers, trying to heal. Please don't be concerned about discussing this with your T... what's the worst T can say but please don't do therapy outside of the session? If it's distressing you, it may be pushing you faster into healing than you're ready for, and T can slow that down. Or it may be giving you great topics for discussion in session---but only if you share with T!

Thanks, JD...I tend to be secretive and constantly embarrassed in therapy and the encouragement is really helpful.I want to try and talk about this.

Last week, I sent my T an email with a link about symptoms of sexual abuse in children. I told him I needed to talk about this article at some point and discuss how freaked out I am by how MANY of the items applied to me by the time I was five years old, but I wasn't ready to do so yet. In the meantime, I told him I need to talk about why I torture myself by reading stuff like that constantly and then never discuss it with him. Until I read your thread today, I really thought I was the only one doing that to myself. Thank you so much for posting this.

Oh, and btw, my T was really receptive to discussing this and very kind. I think it is helpful to let your T know.

[skeksi]

I do this, too. Especially when we start some new approach or to tackle an issue. Like, when T first told me about dissociation, I read tons of stuff and every time it was like, "Thank GOD. I am not the only person who has this happen in just this way." Reading normalizes things and makes me feel so much alone. And sometimes it can help me see what's ahead (I like predictability and to know what's coming next). I agree that it helps to stop when you get distressed, because it can become consuming.

[athena.agathon]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

In the meantime, I told him I need to talk about why I torture myself by reading stuff like that constantly and then never discuss it with him.

Ditto!

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Until I read your thread today, I really thought I was the only one doing that to myself. Thank you so much for posting this.

I'm so glad I did! I'm kind of surprised by how many "me, too" responses I got.

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Oh, and btw, my T was really receptive to discussing this and very kind. I think it is helpful to let your T know.

So...I did! (I can't believe I actually did.) He was very kind and encouraging (actually, he gave me another book to read--Shattered Assumptions by Ronnie Janoff-Bulman).

Originally Posted by skeksi

I do this, too. Especially when we start some new approach or to tackle an issue. Like, when T first told me about dissociation, I read tons of stuff and every time it was like, "Thank GOD. I am not the only person who has this happen in just this way." Reading normalizes things and makes me feel so much alone.

Yep, that's why I do it, too!

[Onward2wards]

I do this too. I immerse myself in books and articles about the specific kind of issues I have until I can't even think anymore, and I bury myself almost too deeply at times in information about trauma/abuse in order to help and understand others. There seem to be two powerful needs at work here.