I can't help but wonder if there are women out there like me who's life begun to unravel once they turned 40. It was like a small piece of thread that once it began to come undone it had to no end. Through the course of many years of therapy it was suggested to me that it was highly likely that my father was a narcissist. It was also suggested to me that I put all the energy I could into becoming "educated" about this personality disorder. So, I did. I was astonished about what I read and learned and the more I learned the more I read. It explained so many things, so many things that for years I thought was me...my fault...if only I hadn't done this or done that, if only I was good enough, pretty enough....daddy would love me right????

NO! and not no but HELL NO!!

So now, after a lifetime of emotional and physical abuse I am left to pick up the pieces of my broken life and make some sense out of all the trauma and chaos that has been a part of of my daily life for 40+ years. I remember the total and complete sense of peace I felt upon realizing that I wasn't crazy after all, that there were reasons for all of what I had experienced. That was the closest I think I have ever been to heaven on earth.

Then, once you I learned all you could learn I had to begin to fill in the bottomless pit that was created in me by the upbringing that I have had at the hands of a madman...

Someday, should I live long enough I may be successful in filling that pit and instead of tears, anguish and sorrow, I will fill it with love, joy and happiness...then that pit will no longer be a pit - but a sanctuary for my soul and I will no longer hear the chastising voice of putrid hatred and disgust. I will no longer feel my body tear, bleed or bruise...

When at last I succeed in creating my sanctuary that little girl who hides in the corner of my mind who is so terrified still will once again be free to come out to play in the sunshine - to love and dance and play

that little girl will know the essence of real love, compassion and empathy...and most important of all she will know the depth of her own worth in this world.

Love to any of you who have suffered and survived

Jaime,
Survivor

I wanted to add that in spite of all my Father put me and my family through, I still have great compassion for him. I am sorry for him as I have realized that what he suffered as a child had to be just as bad as if not worse than what he put us through. It's very odd - I spent years hating him but through educating myself about NPD my hatred turned to empathy and compassion. Ironic that those are the two very things that they lack the most. I am grateful he was unable to break my spirit completely in that those emotions are still very innate in me.

It is my Mother whom I have had difficulty in finding sympathy and compassion for. I don't understand how a Mother can stand by and see here children being abused both mentally and physically. My Mother died a martyr. She lead a miserable, unfulfilling existence. There was no reason for it. It was of her choosing and I do not understand it. If I live two life times I will not comprehend tolerating abuse. Especially that of a child.

Sorry for any typos - I just got the spell check to working. I also get to rambling a great deal so my brain gets ahead of itself!

NPD is a very serious illness folks - it's life and death make no mistake about that. The biggest problem is that it is so prevalent in todays society and most people don't even know what it is!!

But education is the first step to overcoming the abuse of a Narcissist. In my opinion, I believe the Narcissist actually takes pieces of your very being - your soul... because they are so dark and empty inside - they have to beat you down to puff themselves up. They project their negative self image on to you and the constantly move the bars to keep your reality confused and gray. They want your reality skewed and unbalanced. They want to keep you begging like a Pavlov dog for scraps of affection and attention. Any violations to their mandate would call for immediate physical retaliation once screaming, berating and verbally abusing has failed to keep you in toe.

How many - I wonder - how many children in todays society have been raised this way? Adult children of Narcissists who don't even realize what they lived through and why - but ask any one of us and we will tell you that surviving being raised by a Narcissistic parent is a kin to surviving hell on earth.

Contrary to what people may think I know that Narcissism is NOT curable. Not by any stretch so please to those of you who may suspect you are living with someone, a loved one who might have NPD, your choices are to leave and become sane or stay and become a useless, wasted shell of a human being. Forever loosing yourself to the Narcissist who will feed on every last morsel of your own thoughts, your own dreams and most importantly your own esteem - until you are used up to the point you believe all the twisted lies and deceit that you are worthless and will never amount to anything and you will never be good for anything.

That my friend is the biggest lie of all....it will leave you clinging helplessly to them. You play right into their game until eventually you hang on everything they say and do. You and the Narcissist in effect have become one.

Yes I have compassion for my Father, but he is a very ill man, and so was my Mother for remaining with him all those years...

Can you imagine where all of this has left their children?

J

I only hope that when my Father dies that he goes quickly. He has always thought of himself as such a big and strong man - full of character and integrity. Of course nothing could be further from the truth - but in spite of who or what he is, or what he has done to hurt me, I do still love him and it would be very difficult for me to see him suffering helplessly. It scares me. In reality, I probably won't even be around when he dies. I'm not sure if I even want to go to the funeral. There are so many things I have not sorted out yet where he is concerned. I don't think one lifetime will be enough in which to do that in. But what ever I choose to do when that time comes, I can only hope that I will be at peace with that decsion and not suffer guilt for the rest of my life.

J

[VoNPD]

My Father was a vicious N. always called us kids 'stupid'. He passed away in '06 and the 30 days I had to spend taking care of him was hell. You would think at the end of life one would want to mend bridges and make amends. He was mean and awful to me.

And guess who is now in charge of his estate and his precious money and my mom - the enabler of the N. ...? Me.

I am 48 and therapy is smacking me in the face with the reality that my Mom is just as much to blame for my neglect and emotional abuse. Uncovering some unsettling events. My Brother has mostly blocked out his childhood, but I remember. Other 2 siblings are having problems too, but not dealing with them.

J, some similarities here I see. Sorry for my lack of detail but I am in semi-crisis mode and am just hanging on... More thru PM, ok?

VoN

J, some similarities here I see. Sorry for my lack of detail but I am in semi-crisis mode and am just hanging on... More thru PM, ok

VoP - so sorry I missed this post - apparently I misunderstood you in that I thought you were recovering from a relationship with a man who had NPD - I DID NOT realize your Father was the ultimate "Man behind the Mask"

(((HUGS))))

My heart goes out to you and yes you are so right we do have major similarities....

Please write when you can. There is so little support of Survivors of NPD - especially the children of Narcissistic Parents.

This site is the first place, even after years of Therapy that I feel I have found a means to not only give my experiences a voice but to receive education and support for some of the issues I am dealing with as well.

Post Soon K?? We need each other....

Cuz we can relate for sure!!

To be a Survivor of a Chronically Narcissistic Parent is to know what hell on earth really is. There is nothing anyone could ever do to me that could cause me anymore pain or suffering emotionally...

My heart goes out to those of you that can relate to what I am saying. I realize there are countless disorders out there that are just as debilitating - but Narcissistic Personality Disorder is not a disorder that has common knowledge as much as some of the others.

There are NOT enough outlets to facilitate awareness of this disorder or for the education of the symptoms it produces in those who are exposed to it.

Perhaps if I could have been educated much sooner about what I was dealing with or had read or heard someone discussing the outward devastation that this disorder creates...I can't help but wonder maybe I would have gotten on the road to recovery much much sooner.

Quite frankly - for all I have been through, I am very lucky to still be alive!!!!!

Thanks to everyone for your support here I will always be grateful and I won't forget it.

Jaime

[Healingsoul49]

I tried to fix what I thought was wrong with me from childhood through my twenties and thirties. Im a survivor because I know God, loves me. The trueth will set you free. Im going to be fifty in a week. And all the pieces of my life are finally coming together. I recently found out about narcissitic personallity disorder,but these people made a choice to abusethose around them. Im sick and tired of being sad and every time I open up to people im looked at strangely and I leave with the same emptiness as when I first arrived. I need love, guidence and healing, support. Im very intelligent.Iam worthy of a frienship.

[madworld88]

Originally Posted by VoidofCourse

I wanted to add that in spite of all my Father put me and my family through, I still have great compassion for him. I am sorry for him as I have realized that what he suffered as a child had to be just as bad as if not worse than what he put us through. It's very odd - I spent years hating him but through educating myself about NPD my hatred turned to empathy and compassion. Ironic that those are the two very things that they lack the most. I am grateful he was unable to break my spirit completely in that those emotions are still very innate in me.

It is my Mother whom I have had difficulty in finding sympathy and compassion for. I don't understand how a Mother can stand by and see here children being abused both mentally and physically. My Mother died a martyr. She lead a miserable, unfulfilling existence. There was no reason for it. It was of her choosing and I do not understand it. If I live two life times I will not comprehend tolerating abuse. Especially that of a child.

Sorry for any typos - I just got the spell check to working. I also get to rambling a great deal so my brain gets ahead of itself!

NPD is a very serious illness folks - it's life and death make no mistake about that. The biggest problem is that it is so prevalent in todays society and most people don't even know what it is!!

But education is the first step to overcoming the abuse of a Narcissist. In my opinion, I believe the Narcissist actually takes pieces of your very being - your soul... because they are so dark and empty inside - they have to beat you down to puff themselves up. They project their negative self image on to you and the constantly move the bars to keep your reality confused and gray. They want your reality skewed and unbalanced. They want to keep you begging like a Pavlov dog for scraps of affection and attention. Any violations to their mandate would call for immediate physical retaliation once screaming, berating and verbally abusing has failed to keep you in toe.

How many - I wonder - how many children in todays society have been raised this way? Adult children of Narcissists who don't even realize what they lived through and why - but ask any one of us and we will tell you that surviving being raised by a Narcissistic parent is a kin to surviving hell on earth.

Contrary to what people may think I know that Narcissism is NOT curable. Not by any stretch so please to those of you who may suspect you are living with someone, a loved one who might have NPD, your choices are to leave and become sane or stay and become a useless, wasted shell of a human being. Forever loosing yourself to the Narcissist who will feed on every last morsel of your own thoughts, your own dreams and most importantly your own esteem - until you are used up to the point you believe all the twisted lies and deceit that you are worthless and will never amount to anything and you will never be good for anything.

That my friend is the biggest lie of all....it will leave you clinging helplessly to them. You play right into their game until eventually you hang on everything they say and do. You and the Narcissist in effect have become one.

Yes I have compassion for my Father, but he is a very ill man, and so was my Mother for remaining with him all those years...

Can you imagine where all of this has left their children?

J

Beautiful post. Every word is written beautifully.

I just stumbled across this. I am a 25 year old adult child of a narcissistic father and a co-narcissistic mother. And it's very hard.

[Liz07]

Originally Posted by madworld88

Beautiful post. Every word is written beautifully.

I just stumbled across this. I am a 25 year old adult child of a narcissistic father and a co-narcissistic mother. And it's very hard.

I just saw this thread too. I am also a 25-year-old adult child of a narcissistic father, and I've experienced a lot of anger, sadness, frustration, guilt, etc. my entire life. I just recently had an experience with him that led to me fully realizing and understanding that he is never going to change. Up until now I have been halfway playing his game, I suppose to keep my anger suppressed. Now I feel like I am done with him. A lot of intense and conflicting emotions.

[Liz07]

How is everyone coping with their pasts?

[ManthaJones]

Originally Posted by Healingsoul49

I tried to fix what I thought was wrong with me from childhood through my twenties and thirties. Im a survivor because I know God, loves me. The trueth will set you free. Im going to be fifty in a week. And all the pieces of my life are finally coming together. I recently found out about narcissitic personallity disorder,but these people made a choice to abusethose around them. Im sick and tired of being sad and every time I open up to people im looked at strangely and I leave with the same emptiness as when I first arrived. I need love, guidence and healing, support. Im very intelligent.Iam worthy of a frienship.

Healingsoul,

I am only 23, but I too suffered from this in childhood and now trying to make my amends here in early adulthood. I believe too, that God is the reason for my prosperity, despite the evil inflicted upon the family as a child. I think it takes time to open up to people who either don't understand where you're coming from, as it is all deep-seeded and emotional, because they simply weren't there to live the life you did. I understand though, and I support you. It may be a simple online chat site, but I'm a breathing and living being that knows your pain and I'm happy to say Jesus does too. Don't lose hope, and be realistic with your expectations of yourself. You suffered emotional abuse, it's hard to spring up from that without doubting yourself in the process. But know you are loved and ARE worthy of acceptance and friendship.

[ManthaJones]

Originally Posted by Liz07

How is everyone coping with their pasts?

I, too, have come to terms with the fact that my father will never be the loving and supportive human being that I had hoped for. I just decided this as of yesterday, after yet another falling-out between him and I. It was clear to me, after discovering that there is in fact a diagnosis for this kind of behavior, that I wasn't crazy this entire time. It was really more of a validation for me--and freeing to see that perhaps severing the "relationship" that I had with him could possibly be the most freeing thing I ever do. I fought so hard my whole life to figure it out: how can I be good enough, how can I make someone love me, what can I change that is imperfect in me and make it perfect..etc. With maturation and separation from the toxic situation my father put me in, it's like my clouded mind was able to clear again and think freely for myself. I don't feel the least bit remorseful about cutting ties with a man, whom has never appeared to have legitimate remorse for disowning me at the drop of a hat and stopping at nothing to completely annihilate any sense of self-worth I could manage to muster. It was hard growing up to figure it out, but at 23 I feel like I've been fortunate enough to figure it out early, before any more serious psychological damage could take place. I think the part that helped the most is being involved with a wonderful human being, my husband, who has a very loving a supportive family. I went from knowing nothing but dysfunction, to seeing what a real family can be like, and was invited with open arms. Living a healthy life is possible with the right influence and support. I also give all of kudos to the Lord, because without His example of what a loving person is, I probably would have given up hope long before I was old enough to understand, whether it be thru drug addiction, or worse-suicide.