[sweepy62]

I had not a good week with memories and intrusive images from past trauma, but it gets worse. I drank twice this week but not much, just to feel ok.My friend invited me to her dads house out in the country where he lives, for a cookout on saturday. We got there at about noonish. We ate, drank I was having some fun.

There were many family members all of them were basically much older than us, as the hours went by, only one guy stayed and we had been talking most of the day, this man must have been 68 yrs old, he had been paying me compliments all day, he had been drinking as well, I didnt mind the compliments or hugs being as he is a much older guy ( grandfather like). My friend went to get more beer, I had been drinking but not drunk, just mellow. My friends dad went into kitchen to clean up, I stayed outside with this man, so he started to hug me and he gently took my face and kissed me on the lips and started to hug me and rub my back. At this point I guess I should have told him off, ran off
called him pervert, but I didnt do any of that, I just didnt mind, which makes me feel so disgustingly dirty.

As the night went by we sat inside on the couch with my friend and her dad to watch tv and I had my head on his shoulder. Suddenly I had chills my stomach turned I started having intrusive memories, I ran to bathroom, I threw up, I washed up and was better. I just sat on the bathroom floor feeling lost like a child.

I wanted to be alone, I was scared, he walked in , he said he was sad I got sick and he crouched on the floor by my side, he was touching me all over and I just sat there like I was not even there. It was only like five minutes I guess. he left.

I went to the couch now it was bed time, my friend was next to me on the recliner. All hell broke loose flashbacks were horrible, my friend said I was curled in a ball and had a voice of a little kid and like trying to cry like a little kid saying no no get away. My friend said she held me and grounded me until I fell asleep. I remember her holding my hands and telling me to breath.

I FEEL HORRIBLY DISGUSTING AND SHAMEFUL AND DIRTY. I dont see t till wednesday. please help me process this.
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[blueredgrey]

Dear sweepy62,

Sorry for what you've gone through. You don't have to feel disgusting, shameful and dirty (the old "grandpa" should.)

You don't have to feel bad for your inaction. Most people don't object sexual touching because we really don't know how to react. We react well when we are attacked physically....maybe we even fight back when someone calls us names. It's the self-defense part of brain that just jumps up to protect ourselves.

But we simply are not hardwired to protest if it is of sexual in nature. Worse part is, sexual touch feels good for the body but awful for your mind.

Don't be so hard on yourself. If you were sexually abused at a young age, your brain craves the chemicals released after sexual - i don't remember if it is endorphin or dopamine or serotonin. When you are introduced to sex too early, it really messes the brain. Brain craves that chemical and that makes it very difficult to say no. In terms of brain - it's like saying no to chocolate - very tough to do.

I think when you talked in a child like voice - you repressed, trying to say no (really sorry if i am assuming things).

Don't dwell on it.

Everyday, try to be better and stronger than the previous day. If you succeed, reward yourself....if you don't succeed that day - don't be tough on yourself - you can try again tomorrow.

Tackling your mind monsters and getting the life you want, is a slow process. Slow and steady will get you there.

You can maintain a journal, to note all the good things you did, things you succeeded doing along with things you didn't succeed in. It would really help you clear your thoughts.

Good luck!! Keep on moving!!!

[sweepy62]

Thanks copywriter you are totataly correct do you think I should tell my therapist ? I wouldn't even know where to start I feel so ashamed . She does not read things I have to speak about them she thinks it's the best way to process them.

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[Open Eyes]

Oh copywriter1, very good post.

Sweepy62, try to just let yourself explore all this with your T so you can understand it all better. Try to set aside "any" poor judgment of yourself too, just be determined to talk it out so you can "learn" why all of this took place and even experiencing the flashback happened. Your goal with your therapist is not about being judged by your T or even yourself, but simply to "learn" whenever you struggle, that is really what "healing" is all about, growing, learning, gaining.

((Hugs))
OE

[blueredgrey]

Dear sweepy62.

You should definitely talk about this with your T. Please don't feel like the T will judge you or anything. No one has the right to judge anyone - unless they have lived that life.

You don't have to feel disgusting or cheap....people who abused you should feel that.

I agree with the therapist, you should talk about your issues and not write about it.

Writing a journal is only for you....it would help you clear your thoughts and give you a sense of validation (i am guessing that's the case because thinking from memory and reading and processing information are 2 different part of the brain.) Even if you have thought about an incident a thousand times....just write and read it....you would look at the incident differently (i have experienced that).

Please don't feel alone....we are here to help!!

Good luck!!

@ Open Eyes - :-) thank you!

[sweepy62]

thank you so much copywriter, you have been very helpful I see my t tomorrow, I am going to write down everything that happened, but I will of course tell her, I figured it was saturday and I would be over it by now. I have had intrusive memories but no more flashbacks. I Should not have put myself in this predicament in the first place, so I take full responsability for it.

[nicoleflynn]

Try to put the blame and shame where it belongs......on the abuser; I know that is hard to do, and discuss all of it with your t. Yes, you can write down everything tht happened and perhaps come up with a plan if this kind of thing begins to start again.

HE was wrong; it didn't matter if you were standing there naked, he had no right or business in doing what he did. Don't take responsibility for other people's behavior......Hugs