[Switch]

**Warning, I know this would trigger me, but it's bursting inside me so please be careful I don't want to trigger you **

Is it normal that, years later, you still crave being abused.

I know I hate it most days, hate that it happened to me, don't want to remember - sometimes don't remember it did, don't want to talk about it and just deny it every happened.

But then whenever I'm triggered I get into this cycle where all I want is to be beaten or raped or even just touched by someone who shouldn't be doing that because I feel like that's what I deserve that's what I'm good for and that's all that's going to make me feel better.

I've been trying really hard not to do this, but before I broke up with my ex whenever I was feeling like that I would twist a situation and pretend to be okay and ask to do an RP, or BDSM sex or something, or I would just get into a fight with him for the make up sex to make myself feel better, but then fall asleep crying.

I'm trying so hard not to do that with the guy I'm seeing right now, but I'm in that place and I don't know what to do. I have to stop myself from going out looking like a slut to shifty clubs so I don't get myself in trouble, because deep down I feel like I NEED to be hurt that way.

And I feel like I'm betraying anyone who's ever been through that stuff by feeling like that so what I really want to know is, is that reaction normal?

[CrimsonBlues]

Hello Switch-

I have to start by saying that I have no idea what "normal" is as it applies to anything. I will say that I think what you are feeling is understandable and I have to thank you for being open about these thoughts and feelings. I was abused as a child and included in that was sexual molestation-a family member. I was also raped when I was 17. I think for me I came to be very confused about love/pain (physical and mental)/shame/sex/desire-all of these things, and others, became all mixed up into one feeling and hard to separate. I also came to believe that my worth was as an object to be used by someone for whatever they wanted at any given moment. I came to believe that if I was useful as an object for someone's pleasure, maybe they would want to be around me and maybe even love me. I think that for some people who were abused and traumatized, as you were, the aspects of that trauma can become confused and intertwined with other experiences and feelings that are just healthy and positive aspects of people's lives-such as being in a mutual and loving sexual relationship. I hope I'm making some sense-this is a very hard subject-as you know-and it brings up a lot of painful stuff. Mostly I want to say that I can empathize with what you described and my heart breaks that you were traumatized. I am sorry that this happened to you and you did NOT deserve it. You deserve only to be treated with caring respect. You deserve love and kindness and warmth. You certainly do not ever deserve to be traumatized again. I wish you all the best.

[blueredgrey]

Dear Switch,

I don't know what you've gone thru....but I understand that it must have been terrible....sorry for what you went thru.

I just wanna say that it's not unusual for abused people to crave abuse. That's why sexually abused people do or read or imagine all sorts of risky sexual behavior. Brain works in mysterious ways.

When people are sexually abused too young, it really messes up the brain. The whole notion of sex just changes. Brain craves the chemical that's usually is released after sex....but unfortunately, for the brain, notion of sex is something similar to be abused.

Sometimes, we just want to relive the experience, again and again....because we are trying to gain control of the situation. We were helpless back then....we want to gain some control of the situation as adults. That's why, sometimes raped women get aroused viewing scenes of rape or crave to watch scenes of rape.....just a way to cope up with the trauma.

I say, use your imagination and think of such scenarios as much as you can. It may make you feel dirty....but over a period of time, you may feel like you are gaining control of the situation and ultimately get over it.
If it doesn't get better over time, then do discuss it with your therapist.

I hope you are working with a therapist.....things like these can't be cured by yourself.

Good luck!!