do you think family therapy would help?

Tonight, I realized that the only time my mom and I really connect on things is when we talk about the past. We rarely talk about anything meaningful, but when we do, it is always talking about the abuse and dv while I was a kid. It's not in a bad way either (though I know it makes my wife really uncomfortable. I suppose it should make us uncomfortable to a greater degree, but I tend to find some relief in it). Has anyone experienced something similar with a family member or friend who was also living the abuse? would family therapy help? I know it helps to know that I'm not blowing things out of proportion in my head, and that these events actually happened. (well, I know they happened, but sometimes it feels exaggerated even to me. but then my mom and I will talk about something, and she remembers most of it the same way, so it's somewhat validating). I hesitate to keep talking about it just ourselves because I think (at least on my end) I'm still not sure what direction to take things in order to resolve it in my head. I also have the ulterior motive of hoping my mom will find some relief in talking with someone about all this, and finally get back into individual therapy for herself. She has a lot of anger about her life and it interferes with the present day (it is one of the huge reasons we live like roommates instead of family). I think it would help her a lot to be able to address all that with someone. Even if she doesn't end up going to individual, I think it may help our relationship to address the trauma together. If we don't, I'm afraid our family skeletons will forever follow us.

I have the opposite problem--we talk about everything BUT the past. But I am really impressed that you have noticed this pattern and are interested in changing it.

I do think this is the kind of thing family therapy might be able to help. It sounds like you even have a way to approach it. You could explain that you've noticed this pattern and want to connect on more things than the past, and thought a counselor might be able to help you two find a different way to connect. I think you're right that going into this with you might help her try doing some individual work, too. It's clear you care about her and your relationship.

is thee much value to the concept of processing trauma together on a regular basis? I have difficulties with the sa counseling I'm currently doing, but I think it's because things get stirred up and not put away again as neatly as they had been. I wonder if being able to talk about things with my mom there would also provide someone to process with after the session in case things are "left over." We had done family therapy a really long time ago because my dad's work mandated he get help, but it ended up being a huge disaster because of my dad. I'm hoping that without him in the picture, we could address some of the "messier" stuff and find some support in each other.
I dunno. I guess I should talk to my individual T about it also. Some of our work would over-lap, and I know they have a policy of not duplicating services...
Thanks for the response. Sometimes I wonder if I have the right ideas when it comes to all this past crap.

I think you have the right idea. I think it's nice that your mom might be open to the idea, and that you guys can talk to each other about the past. Like skeksi, I have the opposite problem. (my therapist would love to get my mom in therapy with me; not happening.)

I do think there's some value in "processing" together this way, and it might help you both to get more resolution if you had someone who could help you guide the process a little more.And I think talking to your individual therapist about this is a really good idea...

A good worry. I don't actually have any knowledge on this, but I would assume that in family therapy, the emphasis would not be on processing the past together overly much--I would guess that the goal would be to find out why your relationship has this stuck point and find a way to refocus it on the present. Sure, you'll address the past, but I don't think it would be processing in the same way as occurs in individual therapy.

You're right--talk about your thoughts with your individual counselor. I can't stress how great it is that you are wanting to take this step with your mom. I hope she's willing to go with you and help your relationship grow. I wish I had the courage to approach family therapy with my mom.

Do i think it would help??? I think it would help your therapists bank account.... but I have gotten to the point where I think "therapy" is just a stall tactic for us until we either quit it all or we just accept all the crap that life dumps on us.

I think part of the reason I'm focusing on the processing piece is because it seems to come whether we really try or not. Our relationship is not what worries me because I think it has more to do with individual barriers than the way we interact. I mean, it also has a lot to do with interactions, but mostly it comes from us both being stuck in our own gunk. I think there's a validation and release I'm processing together, but I may be confused about what I want from family therapy.

I don't think I would put much effort into it if we did not live together again...

Useless me, I'm sorry it has not been a helpful experience for you. I hope things can work out with what it is you are struggling with. I personally find therapy helpful, but I know not everyone feels that way (my mom is one of those people). I guess it all depends on what you need, and the therapist you end up working with. ..

It sounds as though it is helpful for you to talk about it, and it might help your mom. I had the experience of having my younger brother call me a few years after I left home, to confirm some things that I had been very confused about (did it really happen like that?)----I wish he and I had had the opportunity to talk more about our family as time when on (geography, finances, and emotional barriers...)----It does help to have someone who can understand what you are talking about...and who has experienced the same, another perspective from the same scene. There is a validation.

Dear MdngtRain,

Family therapy is an excellent idea. It would help you and your mother....and will strengthen your relationship. Therapy can show a good direction on where to go from there. You and your mom have made great progress by talking about it - take it further with therapy.

Good luck!!