[Switch]

So, I am starting to suspect I have had 2 periods of abuse in my life. One with a string of relationships around university, which I know about, but I haven't been able to shake this suspicion there is more.

I have always seen the world the way a SA survivor does, and have always been able to relate to survivors at a very deep level.
I have a tendency to date pedophiles (and only find out later, in bed) and men who have other very specific fetishes.
I have a dissociative disorder that no one has been able to properly class, but looks suspiciously like DID. I remember it having been there in middle school, because I remember talking about it with someone, but everyone thinks it started after university.
I've had this feeling that there is a memory just outside my grasp that I can't remember exactly but whenever this happens I start acting out and getting really suicidal.

Like last night where I dressed up like a doll and attempted suicide.

My boyfriend was there, and idk if he caught on or not but we ended up talking about the future and plans we'd made, and I didn't do it because I decided I couldn't leave him like that, especially since his ex died too.

I think I need to go to hospital, but I don't think anyone will listen to a girl who has no memory and no proof except a suspicion that something MIGHT have happened when she was a kid.

No one did last time. I got told I was faking it right after an OD.

And I still have school to finish. At least another 3 weeks.

Advice?

[ThisWayOut]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Do you have a therapist or psychiatrist you talk to? If so, have you bright this up, or could you? Memories are a tricky thing. I think after a rash of false memory cases, people are hesitant to follow up on stuff like that, especially if it Is no longer occurring. Having someone that knows you, or is willing to explore the possibility with you might be good. Also, definitely exploring the social thing would be good to do with a professional. Even if you don't ever uncover a specific memory, talking about the things going on now is a place to start.
I know it can be super frustrating not to have concrete answers. Is there anyone you can confirm your suspicions with? Would anyone have known?
I dealt with similar worries a long time ago. It was confirmed to me that something had happened in the past, but not until the guy was released from jail (I was still a kid, and told to call my parents or the police immediately if he ever tried to contract me). Maybe there's a family member, friends, or someone from the past that can confirm or deny your suspicions?
Sometimes deeper connections with a population can come from other sources though.
Again, sorryyou are struggling

[blueredgrey]

Dear Switch,

Are you working with a therapist? We mostly don't remember traumatic incidents in our life....in childhood, we may not be aware that we're being violated and memory isn't fully developed. When we are older, we tend to block it out.

Pls don't doubt that people will not believe you. Working with a therapist may be the right place to start, rather than entering hospital....it would be good if there is someone in your life (family...or friends) who can take care you so that you don't think of committing suicide again.

If you are suicidal, you should be on anti-depressents. Pls meet a doc to decide on it.

Also....right now, only your mental health is the priority....you don't have to worry about your bf's pain. Pls have a heart to heart talk with your bf....tell him that you are struggling....that's why, you can't be his gf right now....just a good friend. Entering into a relationship, requires that both people are emotionally healthy. Right now, you are going thru a lot of pain. Healing that is the only priority now.

Pls meet with a therapist if you are not seeing one. If you are already seeing one, and are not comfortable with em.....pls don't be afraid to look for new therapists you are comfortable with.

We're here to help. Good luck!!

Originally Posted by Switch

....Like last night where I dressed up like a doll and attempted suicide. ...

Advice?

I say this with nothing but love for you as a person. It is time. It is TIME for you to go to the hospital. I know that many/most people do not like to hear this. But you are simply too close to a very dangerous place. PLEASE - go get help.

:'(

[Switch]

Hey guys,

Thank you for the replies. I did go into hospital after a suicide attempt. The pdoc decided that it was not the right time for me to be admitted, because for some reason I stopped being suicidal right after I took the OD. I got my bf to call the ambulance, and I had been on the bus to the hospital anyway, so I'm still not sure why.

I got an appointment with a pdoc but it's not till January. I am still unsteady but doing much better, mostly because of my bf (WHO IS NOW MY FIANCE, tough that's not just because I wasn't doing well as I asked him because I couldn't hold it in any more so don't worry about that), BUT, I'm still up and down.

I was triggered just 5 min ago by another thread, so I am going to go curl up with my SO now and cry, but I wanted to post here first as a destruction and because I wanted to reply before I read the other post.

Anyway, I spoke to my mom about the repressed memory and she took it well said that no matter what she wants to find out and get me the help I need. She said i mentioned it before and since then she's been trying to remember what it might have been but she doesn't know. No one in my family I know can think of even what might have happened, and my family is not the type to keep secrets. They are my number one support.

I'm still very scared about all of this and don't know what's going to happen next. My DID symptoms have been happening more, but my finance has been really wonderful dealing with them and with everything that's been going on.

thank you again for the replies.

ps, blueredgrey, I am on meds. I have bipolar disorder so antidepressants wouldn't do anything for me. I'm on lithium for mood stabilization. Thank you for the suggestion ((hug))