[kazza]

if theres anyone thats been sexuaLLy abused like me and knows of how 2 get over fears of sex and touch,please let me know ,AS when ever someone gets 2 close it reminds me of the abuse,i really need 2 know some copin techniques

[deepblue]

you never really know a technique how to cope it just takes time on your part to distance the memory from the reality from the past and the present.

i have had relationships where i gave in to their needs even though i was hating it just to keep them happy and when i declined because i was hating them for it the relastionship broke down it has took me a long time to realise this that i have the power now to say no and guess what i am still married 3 yrs later trust me i have had my arguements and i shouted the reasons why i said no but i wait until i am ready for any sexual contact instead of forcing myself to enjoy it and it works for me my abuse started at 7 i am 32 now and it has been a long tiresome episode i have dealt with for many years

all i can say is when you are ready then you will know that you coped the only way that you knew and i hope you find a patient and understanding partner to reasure you

(((((((((hugs)))))))))
this is just an insight for you a little guidance if you need it

[FaithisAlive]

Hi kazza and welcome to PC! I think you have to learn how to seperate the bad touch your body remembers from the good touch of now...

I don't know how to do this... but I have heard of a book called " The Body Remembers" .. I don't know the author.... but I wonder if that book could be helpful to you...

Good Luck!

Each person has their own things that they feel comfortable with.

The way I did it was how a planned parenthood therapist explained it to me -

Some people start out by a quick touch of the fingers or hand. Others start by taking a bath by themselves and experimenting with what types of bathing supplies (bath oils, bubbles, flannel wash cloth or cottn wash cloth, ands so on) feel comfortable and nice.

Then as the person gets comfortable with being able to touch their own hands, arms and so on they move up to other areas experimenting with types of touches and so on by themselves that they feel comfortable with.

Then when they are able to pleasure themselves they move up to non invasive things with a significant other such as sitting on a couch together watching a movie.

Then move up to holding hands while watching a movie

Then a non sexual back massage with baby lotion or other favorite lotions.

And then basically move up to sexual things as the person feels comfortable.

[hope71]

kazza,
Something that really helps me is to always keep my eyes open. Whether it is hugging, kissing, or any sort of intimate experience. I am married to a wonderfully supportive, caring, compassionate and gentle man. He know more than anyone about my abuse as a child, and he knows that intimacy is difficult for me sometimes. Keeping my eyes open keeps me grounded in the present. Helps me to know that what I am experiencing is real, invited, wanted, needed, and that it is OK to feel the pleasure I am feeling. He keeps his eyes open too, and looks into mine and tells me he loves me. I have still had dificulty sometimes, but staying grounded helps to alleviate difficulty a lot of the time.
Hope this helps.

[kazza]

thanks

[Perna]

I have had some success with touching back, being in control. Being the one giving the pleasure helped me feel safer getting it later, showed me "both sides" of pleasure. I know how good it feels to give so can imagine how good it feels for my partner to give and can enjoy rather than fear the getting. Start with a lot of hugging and backrubs of your partner, maybe massage his feet? :-) (my husband had an accident to his foot when he was a teenager and the nerves are messed up and pain him often and only my massage helps). Like myself said, just get to know yourself and your partner's body in a sensual way rather than sexual and the familiarity will help.