Growing Up

Growing up I had a father who was a perverted pedophile. He was a lying, scheming conman. He was narcisistic and sadistic both.He was a master manipulater, and a child abuser.

My mother was a weak, submissive woman who failed her children miserably.She was a pedophile and a child abuser. She was a liar.

Thats what I was able to come up with in therapy this weak as I try to find the FEELINGS that go along with growing up with all that. I am so NUMB and so DISCONNECTED when it somes to my childhood that I don't know how to let go.

What do I do now? How do I connect with the rage and disgust that should be there? How do I find that little girl inside that surely must have been devestated?Where is my inner child? Where is the hurt? I can tell things to my T as if it all happened to someone else and not me...

I want to take the next step in healing but I don't know how to let down the wall.... how to allow the feelings to surface...any ideas?Suggestions? Comments?

Thanks for letting me share anyway... Faith

You have to give time, time, It will happen gradually the more you talk about it in a safe enviroment...no one can put a time limit on this kind of stuff..I hear your frustration...I too get that way with myself but have to remember that my inner child will sense this frustration and hide until it feels safe to come out again...just keep doing what you are doing ...baby steps are much more concrete then getting it over and done with...

{{{{{{{{{{{{Faith}}}}}}}}}}}}} So sorry hon that you had such a bad childhood.
I wish i knew the way to get to the other side right now; but I don't . I think that maybe just talking about it, and trying to find yourself it'll be the steps you need to go thru until you can feel the right way. I agree with mouse.
Hang in there~

Thanks guys.... I do feel frustrated and I guess impatient.

Find one distinct memory and work on the feelings that went along with that. I have one of my stepmother backing me into a corner when I was around 12 or 13, no one else was around, and hitting me in the face and all over. I think about that and how, if your mother doesn't love you, who does? Before that I was initially numb (as you are now) and then that went to anger (if she ever hits me again, I'm smash my fist down her throat) to the true hurt of feeling unloved by the person I wanted to feel love and support/care/understanding from most. Analyzing it with my therapist healed all of that so the old memories are still there but don't obsess me anymore, I can look forward instead and take the feelings and experiences and use them for good in my present relationships.

You can't feel "in general" about your whole childhood, you can only feel one situation at a time (like you can only have a conversation with one person at a time -- this is written to you, even though other people read it, it's not "addressed" to them; the same is true with actions/situations in your past, each one has its own "set" of memories/feelings not related to the others).

"How do I connect with the rage and disgust that should be there? How do I find that little girl inside that surely must have been devestated?Where is my inner child? Where is the hurt?"

Faith - for me it just happened over time with each new memory that I worked to remember. As I put each part of that memory together - matching this smell with that taste, with that sight, with that sound with that touch the emotions came along with it.

I don't force myself to feel one set emotion or another doing that for me is a sure way for me to not feel it through dissociation. So instead I concentrate on remembering what happened to me and let the emotional side come as it does.

What helps me in connecting with each of the pieces of my memories is that I draw, write, paint and use crafts to show what happened to me besides the telling of what happened to me. putting it in these forms helps to make it more real, more tangible more ... everything.

Hang in there it will happen for you when it is time for it to happen for you.

((((((((Faithisalive))))))))

WHat you are saying makes sense. i tried to make a collage about my father one time but I couldn't find much to make it with so I didn't get it done.

I do try writing some because the memories have come in bits and pieces for the most part and I have to sort through it all.

Thank you....

hi faith, long time no speak, hope you are well....

these feelings of numbness will pass when you are at a stronger place mentally, it is just a way of your mind defending itself whilst it is building the walls you need. dont worry about it, and let time takes its course. you will know when the time is right, trust me.

but until then just express how you feel about certain memories, dont bottle it up and over-think about it. just say how it makes you fell at the time, even if it is numbness, and then move on.

my only suggestion would be to continue life as normal and deal with the memories as and when you get them, and use the time when you feel numb to build these walls, you will know what to do. and i have all my faith in you...no pun intended lol....

take care

simon

Thank you everyone for answering... for encouraging. and for the hugs too...One step at a time...i can do this...Faith

You certainly can, Faith. i just know in my heart you will see this through and emerge a better person than you already are...and thats hard, considering how great you are already!!

simon