[gon3withth3wend]

All of this publicity about sexual assault on college campuses has me a lot in my thoughts and I'm really needing to vent.

All the adds, the fb support, President Obama's PSA.... it drives me insane. In the PSA celebrity men talk about consent and say something to the effect of "we can stop sexual assault" and it makes me want to scream. Sexual assault will never stop -- not the way it happened to me. I was abused by my own biological father countless times between the ages of 10 and 16 and then a couple times when I was 17. After going to college I'd get messages from him like "Next time I hit it make sure I never let you go" and I live my home life in fear. I told my mother when I was 11, and long story short, my mother stayed with my father and obviously allowed everything to continue happening. I also get mad about all of this publicity for drunk college girls getting raped because I don't understand how their pain could even come close to mine. I know it sounds insensitive, but hear me out. My whole childhood was spent being sexually abused by my own father - someone who was supposed to love and protect me. I worshipped him as a child. I still have an attachment to him as I've been forced to live with him my whole life even after begging my mother to leave him. So many articles are put out about "Girl didn't know she was raped" and other things about drunk college girls being assaulted and I don't understand. What's being done for people that live with the kind of pain that I live with? Who is going to stop men like my father -- men who seem perfect to everyone except for the daughters that they hurt? How is anyone going to bring a stop to mothers who care more about having the appearance of a happy family than the wellbeing of their children? It makes me upset that so many people, so much energy is rallying around this as if telling men that no means no will solve the problem. I wish that someone would really truly understand the pain that I feel every day, the thought that my father might someday be expected to walk me down the aisle if I can even find someone to want marry me after I've covered my body in scars because I couldn't figure out how to deal with my feelings. I wish my therapist wouldn't say "You're dealing with this a lot better than a lot of people I see, so we don't need to talk about it as much" I wish my friends wouldn't have to tell me "Oh, you come from a good family," or "You're so lucky your parents are still together," I wish I didn't have to sit through sex abuse videos in class about how you should tell your parents if it happens. How am I supposed to really tell people about what happened to me as long as my father is still alive? I had so many more, meaningful things to say earlier when I thought about this but now all of the thoughts have escaped me. I don't mean to belittle the experiences of others, I really don't. Rape is horrible no matter what, but I feel like those of us that have experienced it over and over and over live a different experience. Violent rapes, I understand, can be traumatic, but I've also had unwanted sexual encounters with guys my age and while those experiences were upsetting, nothing compares to the pain of the betrayal of my parents. I am constantly on guard and expect the worst from everyone.

This post sounds very woe-is-me, which is not how I had imagined it earlier today when I realized that I really needed to talk about it. I know that millions of other people have stories like mine, but I just feel so upset about all that's happening right now, and I'm having a hard time making sense of all of the thoughts and feelings

[FacingMyPast]

I hear what your saying.
I just made a very woe-is-me post myself.
But I feel that getting these feelings and frustrations out in a manner you're comfortable with is a good thing.

What can I do to help if anything.

[nicoleflynn]

Did you ever get counseling? I have heard good things about RAINN.

xoxo

[Mysterious Flyer]

What you experienced was not just rape. It was also incest and child abuse. You don't see posters on college campuses about incest and child abuse, I know. That doesn't mean that it's no big deal when someone else gets raped. It just means that you have a different problem. You should get a lawyer and call the cops about what he did. He does not deserve to live in society and be viewed with respect. Your mom should be prosecuted for impeding the course of justice, or something similar. She is not a nice person.

[Chartres]

I was sexually abused by my father for years as a child. I have also had thoughts about how incest is different than being raped once by a stranger or acquaintance. That is NOT to diminish the trauma of that type of rape, but being raped by someone in a position of authority who is supposed to love and take care of you IS different, in my opinion. If I were raped in college by another student, no one would expect me to have dinner with my rapist ever night.

I think college sexual assault gets more publicity because there is a sense that something can be done about it - better campus lighting! Rape awareness classes! Safe-walk programs! Plus, colleges have a huge financial interest in portraying their campuses as safe. To some extent campus rape is a public matter of concern because in theory it could happen to anyone.

Incest, on the other hand, is typically seen as a family matter, one that is usually denied altogether. Victims have no campus police to report it to, no peer counselling, no "take back the night" rallies. And yes, you are right about the whole betrayal aspect - I do think this is different between your "average" campus rape and repeated childhood incest. Again, not to diminish the impact of campus rape - but incest has its own special layer of trauma.

Im concerned about your therapist saying that you are handling this so well that you dont need to talk about it. That sounds dismissive. As far as your friend's comments, in my experience people who have never experienced incest and gone through the healing process usually have no idea what to say and simply dont know what it is like. The suggestion to look for resources on RAINN is a good one and you can also might want check out the book Courage to Heal.

[Chartres]

Also, the book Miss America by Day addresses some of the issues you mention regarding keeping up appearances. It is written by a former Miss America who was sexually abused by her father.

[FacingMyPast]

Originally Posted by Chartres

I was sexually abused by my father for years as a child. I have also had thoughts about how incest is different than being raped once by a stranger or acquaintance. That is NOT to diminish the trauma of that type of rape, but being raped by someone in a position of authority who is supposed to love and take care of you IS different, in my opinion. If I were raped in college by another student, no one would expect me to have dinner with my rapist ever night.

I think college sexual assault gets more publicity because there is a sense that something can be done about it - better campus lighting! Rape awareness classes! Safe-walk programs! Plus, colleges have a huge financial interest in portraying their campuses as safe. To some extent campus rape is a public matter of concern because in theory it could happen to anyone.

Incest, on the other hand, is typically seen as a family matter, one that is usually denied altogether. Victims have no campus police to report it to, no peer counselling, no "take back the night" rallies. And yes, you are right about the whole betrayal aspect - I do think this is different between your "average" campus rape and repeated childhood incest. Again, not to diminish the impact of campus rape - but incest has its own special layer of trauma.

Im concerned about your therapist saying that you are handling this so well that you dont need to talk about it. That sounds dismissive. As far as your friend's comments, in my experience people who have never experienced incest and gone through the healing process usually have no idea what to say and simply dont know what it is like. The suggestion to look for resources on RAINN is a good one and you can also might want check out the book Courage to Heal.

Full heartedly agree to this.
Like you I am not dismissing college or rape In general but a lot of what is publiszied is in situations that people believe can be controlled like you said extra lighting cameras or awareness groups.
Seems like no one wants to approach the subject of incestual rape, maybe if it was more widely known about and more people where aware of it then more victims would be able to speak out.
I know for the longest time I felt like I was the only person on the planet dealing with this especially as a child and teenager and until the internet became a lot more informative too be quite frank.
As messed up as it is too say I felt some ease knowing that I wasn't the only one and maybe just maybe if I had those resources as a young teen I'd have come forward or at least seeked some form of anon help.

Originally Posted by gon3withth3wend

All It makes me upset that so many people, so much energy is rallying around this as if telling men that no means no will solve the problem.

Yes, very much so. I told the babysitter abusing me no, and his response was to laugh and do it anyway. I told my older sister no, and her response was to do it anyway.

Telling the person "No" is not going to suddenly stop what they're doing, and society pointing out that "No means no" isn't going to convince them. The person already knew what they were doing was wrong. That's why they didn't do it in plain sight of everyone. They tried to hide it because they didn't want to be caught.

Originally Posted by Chartres

Incest, on the other hand, is typically seen as a family matter, one that is usually denied altogether. Victims have no campus police to report it to, no peer counselling, no "take back the night" rallies. And yes, you are right about the whole betrayal aspect - I do think this is different between your "average" campus rape and repeated childhood incest. Again, not to diminish the impact of campus rape - but incest has its own special layer of trauma.

I would very much agree as well. There is a different kind of shame that accompanies it when it's a relative because incest itself is viewed very negatively by society.

I can talk about the sexual abuse I suffered from a babysitter and people respond with support, and they seem repulsed at the abuser for doing what he did.

Yet if I talk about the abuse and rape I suffered from my older sister, it feels like people respond with less support, and that the support is accompanied by a degree of revulsion. But unlike with my babysitter where the revulsion is directed at him, the revulsion in the abuse from my sister is directed at the situation itself. Meaning it feels like what they're repulsed at includes me, since I was a part of that situation.

It makes it very different to deal with on a personal level because it feels like you shouldn't ever bring it up. Part of overcoming sexual abuse is becoming able to talk about it and accept it happened. It stops being a burning secret you kept deep inside. You can't really do that when it's a close relative because of how it feels like people respond. It remains a burning secret that you feel like you have to hide. How do you move on when you can never bring something out to be rid of it?

I don't even like using the word "incest", because to me the word feels like it implies some level of consensual participation. It refers to something that involves at least two people, but unlike "abuse", the word doesn't carry a connotation for there being a victim and perpetrator.

[gon3withth3wend]

Thanks for relating.

I kind of do this to myself because when I hear "rape" or "sexual assault" I have to listen. I have to read, I have to watch it. Then I get upset. Another story was on the news about "How parents can protect their children! Advice from convicted sex offenders" What about the fact that most offenders aren't convicted at all!! Then they do say "Most offenders are close to the victim like uncles, family friends, stepfathers" I know it would be kind of crazy to mention "Your husband might rape your child" or "Your own child" But it's true! It makes me mad that they totally omit it as if it never happens.

Then the sex offenders say "We target single women with children" "Teach your children good touch and bad touch, tell them to tell someone" Of course I heard that stuff but it didn't matter! What about the fear that comes with admitting that your family member abused you? Fear of losing everything that you have and ruining your family's life, (Which is in essence what my parents said -- why do you want to ruin our lives? Family sticks behind family, etc.)

So upset, sorry. Venting

[FacingMyPast]

I'm in the same kinda predicament love, though my step farther and it's my little sister (half-sister) that is giving me all kinds of attitude...
I actually got a bunch of messages from her today because her farther told her I made a statement and was arrested and questioned for it....

It's hard when the people you are closest too are the ones who turn their backs the quickest.