[SimonSays1]

I get really annoyed when people outside of my disfunctional/emotionally abusive family try to get involved and play emissary to patch things up. It really annoys me because they didn't have to endure what I've endured. I feel as if I don't owe anyone any explanations and to heck with "blood is thicker than water".

Anyone else have to deal with this when cutting off toxic family? As if it's something extremely taboo that ignorant and traditionalist people can't begin to comprehend. Don't get me wrong, I don't really care at this point what others think of me and my decision to end contact with my toxic family. I never been popular and don't intend to start now.

It just is frustrating and I am tired of getting out the scissors (figuratively speaking) and cutting more ties.

[blueredgrey]

Dear SimonSays1,

You are absolutely right when you say that they have no right to say anything, because they have not endured what you had to endure.

Please write out all the hurtful things your mom (and dad) did or said to you and just keep it where you can access it. Everytime one of those relatives say "you should patch up", you'd have a reason to believe yourself on why you right in cutting contact (at least till your family members mend their ways).

For everyone in your family who says you are doing something wrong, there are 10 people in this forum who'd tell you that you are right.

Stay strong. We're here to help.

Good luck!!

[SimonSays1]

My most recent incident was my friend's wife tried to talk me into reconciliation. Out of respect for my friend, I was civil and understood she ment well. However as a survivor of systematic child abuse, it is insulting. It is insulting for any victim of abuse to be told they should reconcile with their abuser, especially if that abuser is toxic.

It really is annoying when I get told "but she's your mother", "I feel bad for her'. Especially when my "mother" was my long time abuser who caused a lifetime of damage into adulthood. Anxiety, panic attacks, depression, PTSD, inability to trust, inability to show affection, inability to bond with others, guilt, shame, shreded self worth, second guessing myself. Thanks mom!

When is comes down to it. This isn't about me punishing anyone. This isn't about me trying to change anyone (other than myself). This is about me staying away from my abusers, staying away from negativity so I can finally rebuild myself and peice myself back together like a puzzle. It is just unfortunate that it is seen as "taboo" in our society.

"But it's your mom", "but it's your dad"....

[unaluna]

If not now, then when? I don't know about you, but I'm running out of time.

[tinyrabbit]

I know where you're coming from. When people say things like: "But she's your mother," you think, well, don't you think you should be making that point to her, not me? One possible answer when people say that is: "Exactly. She's my mother so she should have treated me better, but she didn't."

You are doing the right thing by protecting yourself. I think if anything you need to just refuse to have these conversations - tell people it's not up for discussion and that you do not require advice, then change the subject.

on your behalf. (((hugs)))

[A Red Panda]

I hear you. A lot of people will consistently try to tell you to do that.... it's like they think we've just gotten upset once over something and overreacted and cut them out for one thing. As if we haven't already spent years TRYING to repair something that we didn't break..... it sucks a lot when we get blamed for what our families put us through.

I tend to just tell people that I have a stereotypical dysfuntional family and that I keep minimal contact. It helps that I live far away from them.

[Eden77]

Not only other people getting involved...but the "cheer" of the ignorant crowd for THINKING that the person filling their head is all full of facts. The one making the family dysfunction public is the one that can't deal with different opinions, has serious PTSD, and likes to carry around her own chalk while playing the victim and also thinks that our family members are running around lying and talking bad about her when in reality we are just exhausted by her rants and don't even want to hear about them anymore. We have healed from it and moved on. She's stuck in her childhood and trying to keep us there as well.

I don't think it's right for someone to publicly put our family on blast...to everyone, whether they ask or not, it's just out there. What shes failing to see is that the abuse throughout the family wasn't JUST hers. She has a right to tell HER story, but NOT the rest of ours (how could she possibly know the entirety of OUR story anyway?). How dare her tell everyone without MY permission what I endured?

I'm glad I don't feel the need to justify myself to others, knowing that she blasts untruthful things about me. People can see that she is full of anger and bitterness and it is overcoming her.

Sorry, I don't know if this was an appropriate place to write about it. It just called out some "omg!" feelings. :P

[ladytiger]

Originally Posted by SimonSays1

My most recent incident was my friend's wife tried to talk me into reconciliation. Out of respect for my friend, I was civil and understood she ment well. However as a survivor of systematic child abuse, it is insulting. It is insulting for any victim of abuse to be told they should reconcile with their abuser, especially if that abuser is toxic.

It really is annoying when I get told "but she's your mother", "I feel bad for her'. Especially when my "mother" was my long time abuser who caused a lifetime of damage into adulthood. Anxiety, panic attacks, depression, PTSD, inability to trust, inability to show affection, inability to bond with others, guilt, shame, shreded self worth, second guessing myself. Thanks mom!

When is comes down to it. This isn't about me punishing anyone. This isn't about me trying to change anyone (other than myself). This is about me staying away from my abusers, staying away from negativity so I can finally rebuild myself and peice myself back together like a puzzle. It is just unfortunate that it is seen as "taboo" in our society.

"But it's your mom", "but it's your dad"....

I agree all of that **** is just that ****! it is insulting to tell a victim to "reconcile" or "try to understand the abuser" as I get that a lot. I told my ex therapist stop feeling sorry for them, why do you feel sorry for people who keep on abusing? Yes, it is a disgrace, but nobody should be opening their mouths to something they have never endured - being sympathetic with a great ear to listen is one thing, but being completely stupid and ignorant is a whole another dimension!

It's funny and hypocritical of people to say 'they are your family' but when I give an example to them of "what if that was your friend who is toxic?" They say that's different, I would drop them and not bother. How is that different? Oh wait! You'd drop that friend because he/she is toxic and terrible yet not a family member? They said no, that's my family I am obligated to stick with them because of blood is thicker than water. Classic ignorant societal answer!! Told people wow, can't get any more dumb and ignorant than that! lol

When it comes to people who are blood related, oh they are quick to get rid of them and told my ex therapist that thinking is very hypocritical. All abusers think/act/feel the same way does it make a difference if it is your family or friend? Toxic is toxic since when does that mean there are "different variations of it?" No such thing as someone is more toxic than the other. It makes the victim selfish for wanting to live a better yet people say deal with it and then say it's sad you live in a situation like that and then people say then leave which is it!?? Too many mixed messages!

[ladytiger]

Anyway, I made a new friend and not sure how I am gonna beat around the bush about my parents. I did tell ex therapist and boyfriend that it's time to move on about my parents not a little kid. I can't say they are dead, then I'd get a million questions about it. I should tell people that my parents are my aunt and uncle then people say that's not truthful. Oh? We are never their real children, so how is that truthful? My parents say that all the time, well, we might as well not be their kids they never treated us like we are their kids.

My dad this marriage is a fraud and mom said then it's like saying your children are a fraud. he was never home and still isn't today, doesn't know crap about us. it's like how should I tell people? i have already spoken my truth all of my life and all i got was **** thrown in my face from people it left nothing but screaming matches about them which ended up me losing friends.

Yeah, I get it too. Especially the "but he's your father" or better the guilt trip "He must miss you."

I've taken to responding with "He starts acting like a father and I will treat him as one."

People need to understand that it takes more than just creating a child to be a parent.

[ThisWayOut]

I've never liked the sentiment about family being an obligatory thing. I've severed my ties (or tried really hard to do so), and I leave it at that. When I'm encouraged to try again, I tell the person that I value my health and sanity. They have finally stopped trying to reconcile us. I much prefer my friends over most of my "blood relatives"...

[ladytiger]

I agree I prefer friends over my lousy parents! At least with friends if something goes bad in the friendship, you can always get another friend and you can't replace a relative which would be nice. My parents say having friends is bad they are never there for you like family is, get tired of hearing that family ****! My parents were never there for us, my mom felt my friends should've raised me that isn't their job!

Someone in here mentioned people being so traditional or something. Tradition means brainwash, let's not change because if we do that is gonna interrupt our "way of thinking." Our "tradition" in this country is to never change nor hear the truth! Which is why dysfunction in any type of relationship still continues because of society's dogma. Tried to explain that to my ex therapist, omg, went way over her head yet calls herself a mom and an adult who has "experience."

[ladytiger]

I agree I prefer friends over my lousy parents! At least with friends if something goes bad in the friendship, you can always get another friend and you can't replace a relative which would be nice. My parents say having friends is bad they are never there for you like family is, get tired of hearing that family ****! My parents were never there for us, my mom felt my friends should've raised me that isn't their job!

Someone in here mentioned people being so traditional or something. Tradition means brainwash, let's not change because if we do that is gonna interrupt our "way of thinking." Our "tradition" in this country is to never change nor hear the truth! Which is why dysfunction in any type of relationship still continues because of society's dogma. Tried to explain that to my ex therapist, omg, went way over her head yet calls herself a mom and an adult who has "experience."

[RainbowG]

I think it's difficult for people to accept that some people will never change. There's a warm and fuzzy feeling in the thought that anyone can change, and perhaps that's theoretically true, but practically is a different matter.

My former therapist actually hinted that since my parents are getting older, "maybe they've changed without you having to do anything about it." I thought, "Uh, no, it doesn't work that way with them." This was about 5 years ago. One year ago, I reconnected with my sister. She's been talking to me about her frustrations with them, and guess what? The only way they've changed is to get worse. I'm grateful that I listened to my intuition and not the well-meaning voice of society (through my former therapist).

I agree that it's not about punishment. There's no reason why we should put ourselves in the path of an abuser. We have the right to protect ourselves, and sometimes that means low contact or no contact.

[ladytiger]

Originally Posted by RainbowG

I think it's difficult for people to accept that some people will never change. There's a warm and fuzzy feeling in the thought that anyone can change, and perhaps that's theoretically true, but practically is a different matter.

My former therapist actually hinted that since my parents are getting older, "maybe they've changed without you having to do anything about it." I thought, "Uh, no, it doesn't work that way with them." This was about 5 years ago. One year ago, I reconnected with my sister. She's been talking to me about her frustrations with them, and guess what? The only way they've changed is to get worse. I'm grateful that I listened to my intuition and not the well-meaning voice of society (through my former therapist).

I agree that it's not about punishment. There's no reason why we should put ourselves in the path of an abuser. We have the right to protect ourselves, and sometimes that means low contact or no contact.

My ex-therapist said the same thing about my parents are getting older (almost 70) they could change, if they didn't try to make a chance in the past, what makes you think they are gonna change when they are elderly? Very few people change when they get older will change and make things right, but saying the elderly will change because they are "getting older" is ludacris - that is placing too much hope on them. If that's the case, then the world would be a better place!

I shot that down with people and ex-therapist so fast wasn't funny, she got fussy because I didn't take a lot of the stuff that she told me as gold which I laughed at her and said 'until you can speak about your own real life experience and not be so rigid from your textbook knowledge from college, then we may be able to have a real discussion on such topics.' That took care of that! I told her I am not taking your or anyone's suggestions on ridiculous topics using "what society's tells people," yea she got mad at that.

I listen to my own intuition nothing I say/do will ever please my parents. They made it clear they don't give a **** what part of that do people not understand? Any 2 idiots can give birth and get married, but always remember the emotional aspect that's suppose to go with that and if it isn't there; then there was no such thing as a marriage or being an actual parent to their child(ren). I told her and others narcs don't change, I never heard of a story where they do change. Why would a supreme, gold-like, know it all say they will change when they are suppose to know everything? She was so clueless about that made me sick in her office! Society is what I call 'the little man behind the curtains pulling the strings. He is the puppeteer and the people are the puppets telling them how to think/act/speak/look/feel/etc that is not an individual who can think for themselves and the little man won't allow you to have your own voice and to question/test everything out there.' Weren't some people taught to don't go by what people say find the answer(s) yourself? They say well yea then go believe someone else's words like it is gold! Look how fast logic and reason goes out the window! People should seek their own truths, I sought mine that is not hard to do.

So, yea, I do agree about anyone can change the big keyword is IF they change. It's a matter of IF and WANT TO change, yea we all have choices good, bad, ugly, or indifferent. A lot of abusers don't change only a small percentage of them do change, again, it would be a better world if they all changed. Listening to my ex-therapist was like listening to a little still living in fantasy island (yea I told her that) and thinking with a little whim, we are gonna wake up tomorrow with warm, fuzzy feelings and abuse is all gone! Also, it was like listening to a boring pastor who didn't practice what should be preached, hypocritical, contradicting, know it all, and gullible - she didn't like that but that's how she came across if you listened to how the ex-therapist spoke.

[Mysterious Flyer]

I see your right, and raise you an obligation.

"We have an obligation to protect ourselves."

Originally Posted by RainbowG

I think it's difficult for people to accept that some people will never change. There's a warm and fuzzy feeling in the thought that anyone can change, and perhaps that's theoretically true, but practically is a different matter.

My former therapist actually hinted that since my parents are getting older, "maybe they've changed without you having to do anything about it." I thought, "Uh, no, it doesn't work that way with them." This was about 5 years ago. One year ago, I reconnected with my sister. She's been talking to me about her frustrations with them, and guess what? The only way they've changed is to get worse. I'm grateful that I listened to my intuition and not the well-meaning voice of society (through my former therapist).

I agree that it's not about punishment. There's no reason why we should put ourselves in the path of an abuser. We have the right to protect ourselves, and sometimes that means low contact or no contact.

[ThisWayOut]

It's funny how I had said people stopped pushing me on the topic of reconnecting with my father. Just this afternoon my mom tried to convince me to "just ignore him, like I do" during his impending visit. There's an obligation to keep "blood relatives" within your circle, and an understanding that, no matter the offense, they are still "family" and should be treated with reverence. I call b.s. on that one. There is no obligation to "family"... Sometimes we need to put ourselves first no matter what society or family says. I think society confuses "family" with "loved ones". Loved ones would not do that kind of crap. I do not love my abuser, nor will I ever.

I hate having to keep fighting this expectation.

[ladytiger]

i agree, that's the prob mixing love and abuse still calling it love with obligations! i agree i don't love my abusers (parents) and never will. there was never love since birth, like i always tell people, so how could there be a love loss when there wasn't any love from the very beginning?