[MindOverMatter]

Hello everyone, this is my first time on this site and I have to say that reading some of your posts and stories have really inspired me to tell my "experience". I will warn you that it gets very graphic and it is hard for me to put the pieces together especially since I don't remember all of it.

What I do remember is that I was abused on several occasions both sexually and of course emotionally. The thing is that I cant really visualize who it was. I know that it took place from the age of about 6 to 11 years old. The thing is that I remember being in an abandon car with a guy (but sometimes I see my brother's face and other times I see another guys face) all blurred together. I also remember that the abuser had a strange about of freedom in my house.

At times I have a memory of (the other guy- being a man from our CHURCH) baby sitting me and of course sexual abusing me upstairs in our house. But why can't I be certain if it was him or my brother??

The most horrifying thing is that I had a connection with this guy from church and I hate myself for it. It's like Im looking at myself at an earlier time and hating myself for keeping the dirty secret. I hate myself for not telling my parents when it happened. I also hate myself for things that it caused me to do on to others. I remember the guy telling me to touch another little girl that I was friends with at that time. And I remember him coaching us on how to touch ourselves and lastly, I remember him teaching us beastilality and showing us his private parts.

I never told anyone... and then we moved to a new area and found a new church and new neighborhood. But I remember the things that I used to do to myself when I was 13. I was a full blown alcoholic at the age of 13, hiding drinks in my room and under my bed. Which was accompanied by an on-going eating disorder (both eating too much and not eating at all). And to top it off, I attempted suicide, by taking one of every pill that I found in the medicine closet. Which put me in the hospital for 2 days. Yet my parents never took me to counseling or never questioned why I smelled like liquour or appeared high at times. Never did they ask or notice. The only thing that they assumed was that I needed God in my life and that our religion was the key to everlasting happiness and etc. Basically, they blamed my behavior on "typical teenage" rebellion and "seeking attention" so their cure was GOD.

Nevertheless, I was always a good child besides my up's and downs, I mean I managed to be a honor roll student throughout school and excel in a lot of things. In fact, Im 19 now and I am currently studying to be a doctor at the local college and Im doing very well academically.

But the one thing that I could never excel at was fighting my past and dissolving the memories of my childhood. All of the abuse has been kept INTERNAL. Although I did muster up the courage this year to tell my mom that I was sexually abused, I still feel like Im fighting it all alone.

In fact, I told my mom and my dad about my thoughts of my past childhood abuse and they really just brushed it off. To be exact their words were "Here you go with another one of your moodswings". So once again my past has defeated me.

Well, anyway, I am just glad that I was able to get that out. Even if noone reads this, or no one ever sees this. I know that I finally was able to tell my story. Now I gotta figure out what do about it.

[biplol]

{{{{{{{{{mind}}}}}}}}}} first of Welcome to PC! you'll find great support here.
You might want to add the "Trigger" Icon to this post.
Now, Hon, I'm so sorry you had to go thru all that crap. I can't totally relate to your experinece, but I have had a abusive choldhood as weel, so I know what you are against here.
Please don't be so hard on yourself. You've done great for the most part, adn if your parents aren't going to support you, well, move on and start your healing path, which I think you already did.
Pm me anytime~
~tons of hugs~

[MindOverMatter]

thanks for your support and help! ...how do I add a trigger button

[biplol]

You need to edit the post, and you'll see at the begining, which I con you cna choose, the Trigger icon is red with a black kinda cross in it.
Your welcome hon, anytime~

[FaithisAlive]

Hey..and welcome... the only thing you can do is honor your memories by allowing them to come... don't worry about wether or not they believe you at this point because what matters most is that YOU know something happened that you have to heal from...

You can't force the memories, but if you try not to think about it real hard, they sorta just come easier...and you find that you can put the pieces of the puzzle together.. slowly but surely... and the healing begins...

Talking about it helps alot...and its okay to do that here...everything will be alright hun... you already are a survivor so don't forget that when you feel its too much to handle...

Peace, Faith

[totalynut]

<font color="purple"> {{{{{{{{{ Mind }}}}}}}} I'm sorry your going threw such a hard time right now...but u know what? you did one of the biggest first step...you reached out for support...and u know when u wrote on the subject: What to do when nobody believes you? well WE!!! believe u...and we are here for you... </font>

[MindOverMatter]

thank you guys so much. you dont know how much your responses mean to me. to have people reply to me for the first time about what im going through makes me want to live again. I know that somebody out there understands. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((( mindovermatter )))))))))))

Is there a way that you can find a therapist? Please try. Make sure that they have a history in working with trauma and abuse. I would interview a few, in fact, then take it from there. Can you manage that in your world right now? I would HIGHLY suggest it.

A therapist can help you to put together the flashes and deal with the "fallout" from them.

I think you soooooo brave for putting that out here.

You are not alone! I was sexually, physically and mentally abused my my older brother for years. It was all a blur to me as well, with only little "snapshots" of memory and feeling that I couldn't control or understand appearing to come from nowhere. Therapy saved my quality of life.

Coming to PC helped me to manage the thoughts, feelings, etc., associated to therapy and knowing that no matter what I went through, I was never, ever alone. You're not either.

We'll be here for you. PM if you want or need.

KD

Hi there!

I too hope you will find a good therapist.

I have a wonderful therapist who uses guided imagery as therapy and although I am new with her, she has told me of many success stories for people with partial memories who have been helped with the guided imagery. The added benefit of guided imagery is that it allows healing and distancing from the event. In just one guided imagery session she helped me control my most frequent and frightening flashback. It is truly amazing and now that flashback comes far less frequently and has nearly no power to make me frantic.

My therapist is a psychologist who does psychodynamic therapy. When I expressed a fear that she would leave me or not believe me, she was very reassuring. She said 'what is not to believe?' and that it is proven that people just don't make things like this up. It was my sense of distrust that was really the issue. Now I trust her and have told her things I thought I'd never tell anyone. She also told me that keeping secrets is so unfair to victims because it is the abuser who gains from it, who has something to lose if the secret it no longer kept--it is really the abuser's secret.

I hope this helps and you will find a good therapist who you can share with so you can feel better and realize that you are and always were good and innocent.



ECHOES

[JustAPixie]

Welcome....

I want to hug you close and tell you that their is hope in the distant future. My parents didn't believe me either and my mom ended up causeing me more abuse by someone else by not believing me...

You say it still feels like you are fighting alone, and in a sense, you will always fight this battle on your own. It's you against the world, but at least you have some support here to help you up when things get too much.

You are strong coming out the other end and being able to talk about it. Don't believe that you are not, although it may like that sometimes.

(((((( safe hugs ))))))