[keithalanveeder]

The person who sexually abused me was way below legal age, as was I, we were both willing participants in that I didn't know any better, and we both stopped when she was old enough to get pregnant. I had F'd up dreams because of it about sleeping with my mother, my sister and my grandmother. When I asked her last year 25-30 years after the fact what had happened, she didn't deny anything. Turns out she was abused by somebody else.

I enjoyed the sex then, and I'd do it again with her, so, was it abuse, or am I really messed up?

[struggling2]

you are not messed up! it sounds like these experience messed with your sexuality...or the normal development of how sexuality unfolds....because you were so young when you had these experiences. i dont know the parameters of what would fall under abuse but it definitely affected you....you may have enjoyed it...even little kids who are molested by parents carry shame because parts of them enjoyed it....a natural body response to sexual stimulation......but it sounds like there was more to it emotionally...maybe you felt pressured? are you currently seeing a therapist who you can talk this out with? but definetely dont feel like you are messed up. you are not!

[transient]

I don't think you are messed up at all. What happened to you, and what happened to the one who did that to you was messed up. Behaviors like that are learned.
It's kind of hard to say if it's abuse or not. You were both underage and both willing, like you said. But pertaining what happened between you two, you were also both victims. I think it is more up to you to decide what it is, than us.
rainn.org has a free anonymous online hotline (and phone line) where you can talk to someone about it, if you are comfortable with that. Although your situation is different than mine, it's very similar. I used it and they helped by telling me that even if what happened wasn't violent, or if they didn't have cruel intentions, it could still be classified as abuse.
Since you were affected by it, I recommend their site. Someone there might be able to help you sort it out and find resources if you need.

Know that you are not messed up, or anything else negative, because of what happened. You are not alone, either. There are a lot of friendly people here who lend their ears, so don't be afraid to post if you need to take care!

[keithalanveeder]

I am seeing a therapist for various reasons, I just didn't know what to say on any other forum, so I figured I'd start with the root of my problems.

Even if you enjoyed it and would do it again, that doesn't necessarily mean it wasn't abuse. An underage student might enjoy sleeping with a teacher, or even seek to make it happen, but it would still be abuse if the teacher engaged in sexual behaviour with that student.

I think it would boil down to her age in relation to yours, how it began, how it was pursued, and whether or not she had any authority over you (like being a babysitter). I don't doubt the fact that she was abused by someone else played a big role in leading to what went on between you two, but it's tough to say in what capacity.

[keithalanveeder]

She wasn't much older than me at the time, and we both knew we had to avoid getting caught and keep it a secret, but I wasn't old enough then to know why. We were old enough to read the adult books we found in my parents bedroom and act out the sex scenes in them, but the part that bothered me the most were the dreams I had for years about sex with my mother, my sister, my aunt, my grandmother, every female on my road. Messed with my head for years.

[jenniy122]

If you were both underage willing participants then I wouldn't say it was abuse. What does she think? That's what really matters. And what you think.

[keithalanveeder]

I was too young to know any better, I just knew it felt good.

[Perna]

It's not officially abuse if you were both under age, especially if she was about your age also. Sounds pretty young if you stopped when she could get pregnant, 13 or so. Sounds like two unsupervised pre-teens/teens getting in over their heads without swimming instructions.

I don't think you are messed up; the dreams were trying to help you understand it was not a good idea, that there is more to sex than just feeling good. If you are having problems relating to women now, I would go see a therapist and discuss it all.

Originally Posted by Perna

It's not officially abuse if you were both under age, especially if she was about your age also.

That's not completely true. There are clauses in age of consent laws for when the individuals are close in age, but someone who was under age can still be charged and found guilty of sexual abuse.

One of my abusers was an under age babysitter. By the time charges were laid and it went to trial he was in his late 20s or early 30s. He was found guilty and sent to prison for a time.

It really depends on how it was being initiated, whether she had any authority, how much older she was, etc. Depending on those variables, the fact that she had been going through abuse herself would lend credence to the argument that she was engaging in abusive behaviour, if that argument was to be presented. My sister reacted to our own early years this way, becoming an abuser herself towards me through our childhood.

[keithalanveeder]

I am seeing a therapist, I just wasn't sure if it was abuse since we were both so young and we kept doing it willingly with each other at each others home and acting out scenarios we'd find in adult magazines and adult books..

[keithalanveeder]

Just a update on my personal life, I rebuilt my Facebook page that I use as a way to help others like me using what few resources I have left. The new web address is on my Psych Central profile.

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by keithalanveeder

I am seeing a therapist, I just wasn't sure if it was abuse since we were both so young and we kept doing it willingly with each other at each others home and acting out scenarios we'd find in adult magazines and adult books..

I am glad you have the support of a therapist. What does the therapist say?
My opinion: I hope you explore the events in therapy so you can figure out what you need to call it.

[Grey Matter]

Originally Posted by Trebyn

That's not completely true. There are clauses in age of consent laws for when the individuals are close in age, but someone who was under age can still be charged and found guilty of sexual abuse.

One of my abusers was an under age babysitter. By the time charges were laid and it went to trial he was in his late 20s or early 30s. He was found guilty and sent to prison for a time.

It really depends on how it was being initiated, whether she had any authority, how much older she was, etc. Depending on those variables, the fact that she had been going through abuse herself would lend credence to the argument that she was engaging in abusive behaviour, if that argument was to be presented. My sister reacted to our own early years this way, becoming an abuser herself towards me through our childhood.

This 100%.

Abuse isn't just an older man with a young girl, as we all see as survivors plastered every where in media. If it was something that caused you trauma, caused anxiety, or sleep disturbances, yes, I do believe that falls under the umbrella that is abuse.

It is difficult when two children, who rarely understand consent, get into a sexual relationship because it is something that can stick with you and at the time, like you said, physically, it felt good! And as children, if something feels good mentally or physically, it powers the reward systems of our brain (and this is not in cases involving a minor with an adult, but from what I have seen with children and children together) and once we age we realize the consequences (pregnancy, which is why you both stopped) and can look at the situation in a different way.

What it comes down to is this. If it made an impact on your development and causes anxiety/nightmares, then yes, I do believe it was abuse.