I know that no one here is capable of answering what I can't even answer, but I would love some outside opinions about things I have thought about all weekend.

My T asked me about a month ago if I thought there was SA as a child as I can't remember much of my young years, I have a lot of fear and mess in my life that has been there as long as I can remember and other things that sorta pointed that way. I told him no as I don't know of anything and can't imagine that happening or by whom. To be honest though, I have wondered since I was in my young adult years and the more I think about aspects of my life, the more I wonder.

Here is my question. How do you decide if pieces of the puzzle are creating a picture that you just don't want to see or you are TRYING to create a picture to give answers to behavior that is not understood? I know already there was emotional abuse from early on, but some things I see in myself seem more intense then that even. Would love the thoughts of others before I decide if this is something I want to bring up with my T (yes, I know I should but I have an issue with being worried about looking overly dramatic and manipulative and I don't want to risk that appearance). Insight anyone?? Here we go....

*I definitely have issue with my spouse when it comes to intimacy.
*I am over 40 and still can't visit 'certain doctors' (if you know what I mean), well ok, I have maybe 5 times in my life...
*I recall 'games' played as a child that I have assumed all my life was just curious kid stuff (and the shameful part is that I remember being the one to ok the games so I know it wasn't forced but I remember it seeming like games I already knew about). But at what point do you think that 'child inquisitive play' is a sign of SA earlier on?

It is all so confusing but I SURE don't want to create what isn't truly there!!!!

[Silent_Tears_17]

That is a super complicated question and one which you may never have the answer to. Some of the CSA symptoms can be caused by early exposure to pornography, or from exposure to someone else who has had CSA, or later issues that have compounded with other abuse, or just other abuse.
That being said, those are only some of the ways that CSA symptoms can be caused. And obviously CSA can and does cause CSA symptoms.
But memory is reconstructed. In case studies, if you suggest a scenario to 100 undergrads (on whom most studies are conducted with) where, for example, they get lost in a mall and can't find their parents. At first, the person probably won't remember it. But if they are told the story and asked about it 3 or 4 weeks later they will completely remember it as fact even though it was complete fiction.
Further, if 100 people watch a video of a car crash and are a week later divided up into groups of 33 and asked one of the following questions:
1. How fast were the cars going when they bumped into each other?
2. How fast were the cars going when they crashed into each other?
3. How fast were the cars going when they slammed into each other?

The results are that the people within a group give almost the same answer. But the groups give different answers even though they all saw the same video at the same time. The way the question is worded can alter perception of an event.

And last, if someone watches a video and they show someone run through a stop sign and they are brought back a week later and asked about the man who ran through the yield sign they will answer the questions. And if they are asked a week later what happened, they will remember the video but with a yield sign instead of a stop sign.

So I didn't say this to complete shake you up or "prove" that if you remember something it isn't true. It could completely be true. Or it could be true but a little altered because of some influence and the time that has passed. Or one or the other.

What I find really helpful is to think about something and then go to a journal or an email or some source and check what I remember versus what I wrote then. I am often wrong. This doesn't mean everything I remember is false, but if I always remember things as better than they are, then I can keep that in consideration when remembering things that i don't have source documents to refer to.

Last, sometimes remembering is way too overrated. I don't say this from a place of ignorance. I have possible CSA that is repressed. I have SA that is not repressed. And I have SA that was repressed for a few months and then came back..
I have a lot of experience with all this (yay me).
Sometimes I just want to know so I don't feel crazy and don't have to wonder. But a lot of the time, the symptoms are more than I can handle already. And having a memory complete with the likely flashbacks, shame, and other emotions seems like it would complicate things.
You don't have to remember being hurt for it to be very real. And if you have the symptoms - regardless of what actually happened. Then those need to be treated. I dont know if any of this helps. But if you ever want to talk, I'm here.

[*PeaceLily*]

Emotional abuse can cause really intense issues.I think generally people find the emotional aspect the hardest part of all abuse eg..breaking your arm if you fall off a bike will hurt,but not cause emotional damage, whereas a parent breaking their child's arm will probably cause emotional damage, so it's the emotional component that is where the damage lies.

I'm in a similar boat in a way.I really dont think I've been sexually abused, and yet I sound like I have:
-my sister has sexual dreams about I think primarily our father..I think she has these with some frequency, certainly she's had them probably more times than she has mentioned to me.Ive had one or two as well but I'm not sure if that was after she'd mentioned it to me or not.
-I have a similar thing to you that you mentioned on another post about watching tv. I was hit as a child,( I find it hard to see it as abuse, or to call it that,) , yet I have a stronger reaction to sexual violence than I do to seeing physical violence.Sometimes I'm horrified by it, and sometimes I feel like I cant stop watching it.
-I strongly remember having an etch a sketch I drew sexual pictures on and I mustve been under the age of 15, but that just could be puberty.
-I didnt understand how to have normal ,respectful sex.I only knew how to have sex like giving a man what they want, and not being present at all really.However I was on and off inappropriate medication for years which had a seriously negative impact on my behaviour so it could just be that.Plus, emotional abuse can cause sexual issues in and of itself.

I dont know. The first time I had sex felt like the first time.I definately believe in repressed memories because I have had them,but Ive had it about emotional and physical stuff.Ive had a really odd life, and spent most of it receiving harmful treatment, so there are always compounding variables.I know what you mean about not wanting to mention it to your therapist.I feel like if I mentioned about me and my sister having those dreams, they'd think there was sexual abuse.However, I dont think you sound remotely manipulative or dramatic.You can tell your therapist your fears about coming across that way or being convinced of something which may not be there. Could you also share this with your partner?

Thanks for the thoughts Silent Tears.
I don't know what is what myself, just don't know what to really think. Don't want to pretend there is nothing and don't want to create something that is natural to everyone.

Who knows.. LOL