[cafeblues]

I've recently been talking a lot lately about my history involving sexual abuse. (For the record I was molested/raped for 4 years consistently in my teens by a live-in-boyfriend of my mom's). In the past.. 72 hours or so, I've told three people, all of whom had different reactions. One was completely shocked and appalled and fell all over herself apologizing and feeling sorry for me. One asked poigant questions and tried to get me to talk about it in detail. And the third told me she was a survivor as well, and launched into her own story graphically.

But none of these reactions was helpful to me; they all served the person they came from. How do you tell a person that their reactions are inappropriate without offending them? I feel badly, because these are my friends and I want to trust them with this information. But none of them realize that their actions did more harm than good, and now I'm just avoiding them and the subject entirely.

I know the most obvious solution is to tell them what I need, but quite honestly, I don't know what the right thing to say is. I don't know how I want someone to react to my story or what I want them to do with it.

She fights just like a woman, but she breaks like a little girl.

The only thought I have is to be honest and kind. They each tried to help. You are very vulnerable right now, so be careful with your own choice of words. But don't avoid your friends, you'll need them during this difficult time. They each obviously care about you and did what they thought would be helpful. Your friend who is also a survivor probably just really needed someone to talk to and didn't realize how raw you are right now.

You can simply be honest in saying, I don't know what I need now...maybe I just need to talk, and just need you to listen, and maybe give me a hug at the end. But please don't avoid your friends now - they tried to help, and you will need them. It's a difficult topic to hear, they were probably shocked, and did the best they could.

Are you in therapy now to help you process all this?

Please take care of yourself.

Emmy

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." -- The Dalai Lama

[Butterfly_Faerie]

cafeblues

I think you will have to come out and say that it did hurt you more then it helped you, them going about the things that they''ve said to you didn't help your situation. Tell them that you appreciate them sharing their stories but for right now you are looking for support, hopefully they wont be offended my this.

I think the ones that have been through this will be ok with it, they know how it feels , they can somewhat relate to the things you are going through, avoiding them I think will just make them wonder more, sitting and talking to at least one of them you'll feel better, and again hopefully they will be understanding about it. Maybe then they will go about it differently next time.

That's what I would do, no one really knows details with me, my shrink knows and that is basically it. A couple people know that I was in an abusive relationship, but not in details, I like to keep it that way, that comfort level is just not there. Plus my ptsd is very minimal now so I don't feel the need to come out and talk about it, unless something did bother me, just dealing with reminants of it, but it's gone for now, there is always something out of the blue that triggers me, but even those are less.

Take care, and good luck with your friends, I do think that you should talk to them. It will be hard, but I think letting them know this you'll feel better.

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

[alm15]

This is a really good question and topic. It was extremely difficult for me to find the right people to confide in and ask for help. I too stepped back for a while. Then somehow, I realized that people can only give what they can. And I knew what people could handle and what they had to share. Then when I needed somebody I went to the person or people who were able to give me what I needed at that moment. I didn't often tell people if they offended me, unless I was really close to them. I came to realize that my friends weren't counselors and I couldn't expect them to do and say the right thing. It's hard to hear that someone you care about has been violated, especially if you haven't been there before or haven't dealt with your own stuff. Even though I was in a really needy space I needed to be patient with my friends. They had stuff they needed to process too about what I was telling them. It's not an easy road but I'm sure you'll find your way. Good luck! Annie

[Thelema]

How did you want them to react?

Why did you tell them?

Figuring out those things before you confront them about their reactions might help you get what you need from them moving forward.

<font color=blue> "History shows again and again how nature puts up the folly of men." </font color=blue>