[PinkPearl]

Hi, my husband and I have been having some issues since March. He attacked me that month, but it's rare that he ever has in our 14-yr marriage. He threw a chair at me and later was emotionally abusive. He went to anger therapy but I think he quit after a few months. We have a 6 mo old btw, and a 9yo. I also was abused as a child. Anyway, recently his temper has been flaring again. I admit I do snap at him sometimes because I'm so exhausted and annoyed that he doesn't help out much with the baby. I also feel very controlled by him. Efriends say I should let it all go and make our marriage work. My therapist encourages that as well. But sometimes he gets a little physical with our 9yo. He adores our children and I don't want to break up our family but these small incidents, which he makes excuses for, disturb and worry me, maybe overly so because of my history. Recently he was frustrated and grabbed my son by the lapels and pulled him forward and abruptly pushed him backward - not a big push but enough that I called him on it privately. He said he wouldn't do it again. Last night he was angry with my son for being rowdy on the sofa while we were on the phone with my dad and he pushed him backward abruptly in the front of the neck with his hand. It looked to me like he was whacking my son, not just pushing, and my son leaned forward, stunned, and held his neck a few seconds, not saying anything. My husband said to me that he "just pushed him a little." It didn't look like that to me but my husband was insistent in his explanation. Am I overreacting by being upset and concerned? This is really bothering me. I'm afraid to talk about it with my therapist because she might report it and my 9yo would be taken from us. :-(

[nicoleflynn]

You and your children are being abused and terrorized. Usually anger management doesn't work; the person with the anger doesn't believe they have a problem. These are NOT "small incidences." They are are huge red flags. If we grow up abused, we are more willing to accept abuse. I am amazed that your therapist encourages you to "work on the marriage" This is a dangerous man; you or your children could wind up in a hospital or dead. I would suggest calling the domestic violence hotline, or a shelter. His behavior isn't going to change, and it is your responsibility to protect your children; they are helpless.

http://www.domesticviolence.org/violence-wheel/

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life.

P.S. It doesn't matter if you "snap" at him. ALL of our behavior is a choice and he chooses.....to control and abuse.

Domestic Violence hotline: 800-799-7233...Please call them (make sure you are alone)

[Lexi232]

i dont think they are right in telling you to just suck it up and make it work. its you who has to live it, not them... its easy for them to say that when its not them whos living in it.
sounds like he is downplaying it.. which is another thing done in emotional abuse. try not to second question yourself on what really went on. its a tactic that the abusers sometimes force onto the ones they are abusing. . your children really need to feel safe at home. and i dont know if they can in that atmosphere right now?? at the extreme, it sadly might come down to having to choose who you love/care about more... him or your children.
and abuser usually will start out "mild" and with time and each incident that they get away with, the next time will be even worse.
would living in a domestic violence shelter (or getting housing through a domestic violence program) be an option for you and your kids? the therapist will likely help get you and your children safe, and as long as their safety and care is one of your first priorities, cps wouldnt take them from you... but that would mean not living there or having the kids around him. (cps is suppose to act in the best interest of the child(ren). the only thing i can really say for sure is that about cps acting in the best interest for the child. i cant really say for certain what would come of anything (i speak only from my personal experence and what ive learned along the way). i used to be one of those kids. i was getting thrown at the couch, pushed into the shower, slapped across the face, pinched until i cried, whirled into the tv, and thrown into the wall (all before the age of 5yr). then later on i was living in a different kind of hell.

i can certianly tell that you are a very caring person, and i can tell your kids mean the world to you. it truely takes a big heart to still care for someone who is so uncaring in return. you have a big heart :-) .
please know that you arent at fault for what he does. he only has himself to blame. nothing anyone does can make him act in any way. its his own fault for his own actions.