[Lady Lindsey]

No matter how hard I try, I don't like myself... I feel like I have some sort of evil inside me that poisons those around me.

Today I found out that the two people that I have been helping and mentoring at work have some serious issues, one, who I really like and works directly for me found out while I was gone she has a brain tumor.. slow growing, not sure if it malignant or not, but her husband is being asked to come home from overseas.

The other, apparently her husband got arrested for hitting her... she is struggling... both work for me and both are people I care about and have been trying to help....

No matter how hard I try, I feel like the people around me are poisoned by me..... like everyone I try and help or touch... I hurt some how.. I know that is unrealistic thinking... but that is how I feel

that is what I was told when I was little, that I was evil and bad... thus why things had to happen to remove the evil.... I have tried to live a good life and do nothing but support and love people... I am the 'stable' person in my family... if you knew my family... that would be a scary thought...

I don't want to hurt anyone, just help them... I try to be a good person and live a good life..

Tonight, I am sad.. probably just a after effect of visiting my family... and trying to get back in a routine..

I saw my T tonight, she was yawning and stifling a yawn half of our session.... I actually like her, and it has taken her a year to build my trust enough to start working on issues.... but I pick up on peoples cues.. (a lot of people say I am good at reading people, I guess I am, because I can be a really good sales person, picking up on peoples cues and body language).. I am not saying she was bored with me, but she is tired, I felt like I was just burdening her telling her how my trip went... she wanted to know if it was healing or not... I guess part of it was healing, for my family, but not necessarily for me. I am the person they look to for stability, love, maturity and keeping my family together... that is my job..... and I did it... One day I look back and think I was really happy, but I can't feel that happiness any longer... it's just gone..

I am sorry I am sounding pitiful again... I just feel empty... I feel alone and I feel like I screw up everything....

I shouldn't feel this way, I have lots to be happy for, I just am tired again... very .. very ... tired.

[kaliope]

I don't blame you for feeling tired. it appears that you shoulder yourself with a lot of responsibility that does not belong to you. it is not your job to keep the world together for everybody else. everybody's fates are not in your hands. yet it seems that you feel they are. I would try avoiding one decision a day that involves another person. this doesn't mean that you aren't being nice. but I think you will see that that person's life still goes on even without your help and that you don't have to be so responsible for others. take care of you.

[SeekerOfLife]

Of course you are very tired after your trip. Your outlook may be affected by it.

Someone once said something that really made a difference to me when I was feeling this way.

I can't remember how they put it and I'm not sure how to put it myself but please I don't mean any offense with my words as clumsily as I may write them.

Why do you have a bigger impact then the other things around them? What makes you so special?

[Lady Lindsey]

Nothing makes me special. Infact I feel flawed..... I just spent a week with my family. My role in my family is to take care of them. Each had different needs and I took care of them all. It was exhausting. .... I dont feel special I feel flawed. Actually I feel fundamentally flawed..... I appreciate you trying to help and I understand what you are saying, however I am not special. If anything I am just the opposite. .....

[Lady Lindsey]

Originally Posted by kaliope

I don't blame you for feeling tired. it appears that you shoulder yourself with a lot of responsibility that does not belong to you. it is not your job to keep the world together for everybody else. everybody's fates are not in your hands. yet it seems that you feel they are. I would try avoiding one decision a day that involves another person. this doesn't mean that you aren't being nice. but I think you will see that that person's life still goes on even without your help and that you don't have to be so responsible for others. take care of you.

I guess I am not explaining myself very well...... I appreciate everyone's advice as far as feeling I take on too much responsibility....

I guess I don't explain myself very well, even on this forum.

I have a job that requires me to lead over 200 employees and numerous offices. My responsibility is to lead them.... when I lead, I help them grow by letting them get opportunities and allowing them to make decisions, some make the right and some make the wrong... but they have to grow by giving them the opportunity and then letting them make their decisions.. some are bad, some are good.... it is my job to help these people develop and grow. when I see leadership and growth, I help and mentor them.. thus that is my job. And quite frankly, it seems my whole life the ones I help and mentor, something bad happens too... it really does. I could tell you story after story.

I just got back from a week long trip visiting my family .... it was exhausting... I love them all very much.... My mom is mentally ill and has been most of her life... when I was little, she had an 'accident' in the house that if my father had not come home early from a business trip, none of us kids would be here... neither would she... From that point on, my dad started relying on me to take care of the family because he traveled a lot for business... so at a very young age, I became responsible to take care of my family.... because my mom could not.... not that she didn't want to, she is a loving wonderful person, she is just mentally ill and when she get's in her spells, someone had to be there to take care of her and my little brothers and sisters. And that responsibility became mine. That has become my role in my family.....

Each member of my family had issues I needed to take care of, each member of my family including my father, told me as I left, how healing and wonderful it was to have me home for a week and how much I had helped them.
Believe me I have tried to let them make their own decisions.... I moved 2000 miles away so I could get away from it... many times I don't answer the phone. I separated quite a bit from them over the past few years..... and when I came home, I found a mess. When I left, I had gotten things as much together as I could.............. you know I am not doing a very good job of trying to explain why I am tired, or why I feel this way.....

I am sorry I even posted this message.... I just am tired.... And worried about two people I care about... nothing more...

I just wish I could disappear... sorry, I posted this message, if I could delete I would, but apparently after 4 hours I can't delete the original post....

I don't feel special, I feel evil, I feel flawed, I feel like I am rotting inside.... nothing more...
sorry if my original post made me sound like I was someone special... if anything I am just the opposite

[SeekerOfLife]

Hi Lindsey. I am glad you posted. It sounds like you really needed to vent in a big way. I guess your trip was both satisfying and stressing. Its ok to get on here and (respectfully) let the feelings fly. I am not good with words as most people are. I am glad you are here. I can listen if that will help. Send me a PM if you need to.

I'm afraid it is me not getting my point across clearly. I'm not very good at this tough love business. Sorry.

The thing about self esteem is that too far in either direction can lead to some level of self absorption.

Special/ important is not synonymous with good. For you to have caused any of the horrible things in your friends lives you must have something special about you even if it isn't very nice.

I know how you feel. These are feelings I still struggle with.

Originally I fought against my narcissistic traits diagnosis. It couldn't be possible I despise myself. Then I realized. I do think I'm special. I am the worst of the worst. No one is as flawed/ horrible/ evil as me.

That is why in the NPD assessment thingy on here one of the questions is "you feel you are no better or worse than everybody else."

If you want to blame yourself then you will also need to accept that there is something important enough about you to be able to cause these problems.

I'm also certain you could come up with just as many stories for people you have mentored who turned out well. If you focus pn the bad that is all you will find.