Is it possible for an abuser to change?

His mom is messaging me on Facebook saying that he's changed etc.

It's making me feel even more guilty for wanting to end it

They should feel guilty for trying to manipulate you. It is not you in the wrong here.

That he has brought his mother into this is petty and low. That they are trying to claim he has changed after less than two weeks is also telling. No one changes that fast- unless they are up to something.

If it is at all possible for you- block them. Both of them and try to separate yourself and end all contact with anyone you feel may side with him until you feel strong enough to face him on your own terms.

You are not in the wrong for any of this. Trying to guilt you for doing what is best for you is them being wrong and selfish.

I'm so sorry! I would come stay with you and run interference for you, alas I am raising a houseful of kids who still need me to run interference for them.

Now, his mom promising you he's changed? Is his mom aware of his behavior? Is she seriously saying "I acknowledge my son is abusing you" and telling you he's going to stop? Or is she saying "I've never seen him like this, you're the only woman who ever brought him this low" etc. etc. etc.

Lucky Number 2, my oldest daughter's father, beat me in front of his mother. I had put him out of my home, got a restraining order against him, and he got drunk and bullied his mom into bringing him to my house. After 9 years she finally saw what he was capable of. She apologized for bringing him and called the police herself.

Has his mother seen what he's done to you? Can she excuse any of it? Can she guarantee you he's going to counselors and domestic violence classes?

Can she keep you safe from him?

Please unfriend and block contact with him and anyone who takes his side, even if only temporarily. You don't have to be pressured and bullied by his family!

What are your family and friends saying about this? Are there any resources for battered women where you are? In the US we have Sister Care, they give battered women shelter, child care, job training, and counseling.

I'm sorry you're going through this! You're brave and a lot stronger than you think you are!!

He says that he's told her everything (I don't know if that's the truth). His mom has been abused by his dad too and they're not together anymore. I would have thought she of all people would understand..
He says that he's so devastated and that she knows I'm with my parents now and they will influence my decision (which they wouldn't). She says that he's changed and he wants to be with me. He loves me and misses me etc. It's been less than 2 weeks.. How can someone change how their mind works in that short of time? I was planning to end it tomorrow, tell him we're done. It's over. But I just don't want to deal with it all now.

Don't feel pressured to end it all tomorrow. Don't feel pressured to speak with them at all! The ball is in your court now, and you don't have to touch it until you're ready.

Do your parents know the whole story? If you're like me, and you sound a lot like me, you never told them. You don't have to hide or cover up for him or minimize what happened between you! You don't have any reason to be ashamed and you don't have to pretend you had a happy marriage if you didn't.

If your parents know even a portion of the truth they can help keep you safe and help you get counseling. You don't know what to do right now, that's natural. You are learning to stand up for yourself and that doesn't happen overnight.

It's a very hard thing you're doing and I'm so proud of you I could just burst! Don't feel diminished by the man and his codependent family. Cut ties with them until you feel stronger, or cut ties with them permanently. You do not owe him or his family a response or even an explanation.

He and his family are still trying to control you, since you took the control out of their hands they are scrambling. He will escalate his behavior, digging in his heels and trying every trick in the book to get you back where he can be in charge again.

Watch for a few months, you'll be amazed. He will either go to counseling and admit his wrongs and try to do better, or he will move on to a new victim and continue his destructive behavior.

The good thing is you don't have to be on the receiving end! Write here whenever you want, those of us who have lived through it will not be shocked by anything you reveal. We will not blame you or take his side. We want you to be strong enough to live a better life.

Hang tough! You are not in the least bit in the wrong. His Mom has no business trying to jump in. Your instinct to get away from him is perfectly right. They are both being manipulative, and it isn't right.

You deserve better than what he has done to you. You deserve better than what he is still doing to you. Just keep remembering that. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You are taking appropriate care of yourself.

This passage from above really stuck with me.

I did it.

I broke it off. Cutting all communication now. Removing him plus mutual friends. Made new email addresses and other accounts too.

I just want to thank every single one of you for being my support. You have absolutely no idea how much you all helped me and I really appreciate it, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you. I'm now on the road to healing and loving myself. ♥♥♥

Whoopee!!! I'm doing a little happy dance over here. You are a very courageous woman, I am SO in awe of you and bursting with pride!

Grief will hit, it is a loss. You will feel conflicted and wonder if you made the right decision, and you come back to this thread and spew it all out.

You made a good decision. You are worth more and better than he was giving you. You are strong and you are wise!

Hugs!!!!!!

Really hard won advice, in my case.

Thank you for everything!!!

No thanks necessary. You did all the hard work. Lean on us to vent if you need to, okay?

I definitely will <3 <3 <3

Well done! You acted with courage and wisdom. Great job!

Thank you.

You made the right choice, you don't want to have children around someone like that either. It's a lot harder to get away from an abuser when you have children, also, when you have children, they have rights to that child too, so you never truely get away from them.

Don't go back, you made the right choice. Find someone who is kind caring and good to you.

That is one of the things I think about when I start to regret my decision. I wouldn't want to even imagine that. I wouldn't ever have children with him, in case he would hurt them, or ruin their lives. I just couldn't do that. It would always be in the back of my mind if we ever got back together (never going to happen). I'm so happy that I ended it. So much relief. Now to work on myself, and build me back up. ♥

I pretty much agreed with everything you said there except giving her crap for sending nudes. Some women act promicious or do things out of character when dealing with a bad relationship/breakup. She felt lonely? And just because she sent nudes doesn't mean she doesn't respect herself. She wanted positive attention from other males, because the one who was supposed to love her, and be there for her made her feel like crap about herself, and treated her like crap too.

Okay honestly I was abusive at one point in my life without meaning to be. I didn't really realize it. I was just trying to keep him from leaving me. I had an intense fear of being alone. I also struggle with mental health issues, and I struggled with addiction. In that particular relationship It was a back and forth thing. At first I was pretty horrible, and then I tried getting help. and then He started to become abusive due to resentment, drinking, jealously and hositlity. He told me he would change. He told me he would never hit me again. called me baby, seemed like he felt awful for what he had done, and then there were other times i would be sitting on our bed with the blanket wrapped around me balling my eyes out, and it seemed like it didn't even phase him that he had hit me. he would get so angry he would forget why he was angry. he was a different person when he drank. There was also times where he would deny even hitting me. Like your situation I was told I was crazy, and that I was going to die alone.

That was his way of making me feel like crap about myself so I didn't leave. He was also a very spiteful man. Regardless your relationship sounds so unhealthy. I loved my ex. Something horrible and traumatic had to happen in order for us to keep our distance from each other. This man has taken my home from me, put me in jail for false accusations, and put me in shelters. Months later I am dealing with the aftermath of our relationship. I'm pregnant, and looking at jail time. Please sweetheart. Stay away. things will only get worse. It never gets better. Now he's going to be holding resentment deep inside from the pictures you sent out. He may be telling you that he forgives you, and loves you but it's all crap he's feeding you to make you stay.

you are worth so much more than how he's treating you. You do not want to have kids with this man, if he'll hurt you, he will hurt your child. tell him to go find someone else to abuse, and move on with your life. go to counselling, make friends, build your own life, educate yourself on abusive men and know the red flags so you know when to stay away, when the next guy comes around. trust me as much as I have been through, I am a lot stronger now. I'm independent, and I am a work in progress. Yes it will be lonely for awhile, but you will be thankful you don't have someone making you feel like crap about yourself, when you already beat yourself up enough as it already is. If you need someone to talk to, msg me anytime
take care of yourself

He has to take no for an answer. he doesn't have a choice. You need to try to stop worrying about HIM, and focus on yourself.

I really am proud of you. You will be alright. You are brave, wise, and strong.

Thank you everyone for all your support. I really appreciate it! You all warm my heart with your kindness.