Was I molested by my father?

My dad has always been a great dad, loving and caring to everyone in my family. I hate to think anything bad of him.. So I've tried to brush off certain events as just a misunderstanding, or misinterpretation.. But I think he might have molested me. I know the events weren't major and many people have been through worse, I just can't get it off my mind.
The first time anything happened I was probably 13 or 14, I was sleeping in the guest room because we had company and he came upstairs to wake me up- which wasn't out of the ordinary. He say next to me and began rubbing my back, he then put his hand up my shirt and rubbed my bare back, which was normal as well, he gives great back massages. This didn't bother me (although I felt awkward because I was not wearing a bra, and was going through puberty at that age) he then began furthering his reach and casually brushed across my rib cage/side boob. I thought it was an accident, then he did it again and left his hand there and leaned in to whisper something about the cat being noisy all night, I agreed, he kept rubbing my back then leaned in and stopped at the same spot and said something else. And that happened a few times then he patted me on the butt and said to come down to breakfast.
These backrubs happened more times after that, like I said it wasn't out of the ordinary to get a random back rub from him. He'd come in my room in the morning or to say goodnight and rub my back and began fully brushing the sides of my breasts everytime I was bra less, and even to the point where if I had one off he'd undo it and say it was easier to rub my back without that in the way. He'd sort of grab my waist and go up my body and his fingers would sort of catch on the sides of my breasts. Sometimes he'd tickle my armpits (looking back I believe it was because I'd flinch and pull my arms in, pushing his hands into my breasts). This happened many times.
Once I was laying on the couch belly down with my chest on his legs just chilling, and he began to rub my back again but kept slowly going lower, then back up, then lower than before, and back up. He then began to roll my pajama pants down little by little so he could rub further down. Eventually my entire butt was out of my pants and he was lightly rubbing over it/maybe massaging a little. I felt very confused because he did not act like it was wrong, and I didn't think he'd ever do something wrong so I let it happen even though I was uncomfortable, I figured it was normal and okay for dads to do that. Then my brother came downstairs and my dad pulled my pants over my butt again.
Other incidents happened like that, and I'd usually feel worried and uncomfortable, yet let it happen because I thought it must be normal.
He'd sometimes rub up and down my thigh and go high enough so that the side of his hand touched my lady parts. Another time he pulled me on his lap and gave me a peck kiss on the neck, he let his hands rest right over my lady parts, told me I looked cute and then grabbed my tank top and casually pulled it out-exposing my breasts- and asked where I got it. He then hugged me tight from behind which pushed my breasts up-this is one of those times I think I may have misinterpreted what happened, I was just paranoid he was looking down my shirt.
Another time he came in my room to move something-I don't remember what- and he'd just been out in the cold and I was laying on my bed reading and he came over and jokingly stuck his hand down my pants and panties and squeezed my butt, showing me how cold his hand was, I squeeled and said stop, tho I sounded like I was joking, then he put his hand past my butt between my thighs, I squirmed around which made him touch my lady parts-bare skin. He said "thanks for the hand warmer". Again I'm not sure he meant anything by it but it made me uncomfortable. He would often rub my butt anytime he rubbed my back, but usually over my pants (except the time mentioned) but he'd move his hand vertically and rub down between my thighs too-touching my lady parts. Once on vacation he held me around the waist with one arm while we were in the ocean and I couldn't reach the ground, I could feel his penis and I'm still not sure if it was because he was getting an erection or if I could just feel it because my butt was pressed against it, but he adjusted his hand a few times, each time getting closer to my lady parts, but not quite touching them. Another time after a massage I was laying on my back and he pulled my elastic waistline up along with my panties and peeked in my pants, I have a mole right above my hairline there and after he let go he pulled them up again, pointed it out and said he never knew I had that there, then left.
Another time I sat in his lap and watched my favorite show while I waited for the bathroom to be free so I could brush my teeth, and he began rubbing my tummy under my shirt, going high enough to bump my bra, then low enough to go past my panty line. He stopped when my sister came out of the bathroom.
Another time I asked for a massage (hoping for a regular one) because I was sore from playing sports. So he was rubbing my rack then rubbed my leg which felt good because I was sore, so i asked him to rub down my leg again and instead he grabbed my leg and put his thumb against my lady parts, and rubbed them with his thumb and asked "like that? Does it feel good?" I was just frozen at that point. I felt dirty when he left.
I'm probably forgetting a few incidents, I can write them later if I remember. Sorry that was such a long post, I'm just wondering if that's considered molestation, even though I never truly told him no or to stop. I remember it in waves, and it bothers me for a couple weeks when I begin thinking about it again, but then I push it out of my mind and it doesn't affect me for a couple months. I just feel uncomfortable about it and I'm 19 now, I still live at home, and I never want to look good around him, I never want him to look at me, I feel uncomfortable, and worried that I might arouse him or make him start again if he thinks I look good. I know that sounds quite silly but that's how I feel. Any input or comments would be appreciated, I finally told my boyfriend everything that's happened, but I never told him who did it because I don't want him or anyone else to think badly of my dad.

Yes...
And yes it is wrong...

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Yes he was wrong to do that. He crossed over normal boundaries.

Thank you for your replies, I just try so hard to convince myself it was a misunderstanding. My dad is a great man, so I feel conflicted about him often.

Your dad is NOT a great man, sweetie. Great men don't molest their children. I hope you get into some counseling for this. It shouldn't be ignored; many years down the line, it will still affect you ...don't know how old you are, but if in school, you can see the counselor there. Let us know. Do you have brothers and sisters?

Usually a father molests more than one sibling. Where is your mother?

I realize when you say your Dad was a great man, you are probably right in some respects; very few people are all good or all bad. However, what happened between you and your Dad was totally inappropriate. In terms of child protection law, you would probably have been removed from your home if you disclosed this to a teacher or police officer - it's not normal behavior between a father and a daughter. I would definitely see a therapist to talk about these things.

I'm 19 now, all the incidents happened when I was 13-18. I'm in college now and I've never seen a counselor or anyone about it. This is the first time I've told anyone about it being my dad. I have two siblings but I don't think he'd do anything to them. Definitely not my brother, and my sister is older and stronger than me, so I think she would never let it happen if he tried. I would always freeze up and not know what to do. It's partly my fault, it's so easy to say stop but I never did, I know if I did he would have stopped.

(((Rosebud))), it isn't your fault. Not even a little bit. Freezing up and not knowing what to do, not saying stop - these are very natural reactions and do not mean that you have, or had, any responsibility. A child is supposed to be able to depend on her parents to do the right things - so in this situation there was no way you could have been at fault.

Do you think you could try talking to a counsellor or therapist?


Bluegrey

I hope you will see a counselor/therapist; you have no way of knowing if your dad has molested your siblings....strength has nothing to do with it...it is a psychological thing...I doubt he would have stopped if you had told him to. It wasn't your fault; you were a child......we trust our parents and that is why this is so manipulative; they count on your silence; this was a crime.....Yes, please talk to a counselor/therapist.....sadly, it is all too common. At some point, you may want to consider talking to your siblings.....it is the secrecy and silence that is so damaging in families.

I have not yet seen a counselor or therapist, I think I would like to, but I don't know how to go about that..

Thank you all for the replies

I am so sorry this happened to you. It wasn't your fault. Not any of it. There is no reason you should have had to say stop, and no reason he should have put you in a situation in which you wanted to but couldn't.

Do they have a student health center at your college? They often have therapists. You may also want to look into the helplines (telephone and/or online) at RAINN (rainn.org). Don't let the term "sexual violence" scare you away, it is just one way of wording it. They should be able to help you out.

*((((((((HUG))))))))*

Yes, it sounds like abuse to me. I can relate to it, and i understand your confusion about it. Your post made me remember stuff especially with regards the tickling and brushing against body parts.

Lots of love

xxxx

Things like back rubs and touching the sides of your breasts and pulling off your clothes would probably be considered covert sexual abuse. Your confusion about it is totally understandable. I was covertly sexually abused for years by my mother, including when I was in my 20s and early 30s (before I went no-contact), and I didn't realize it till years later.

Please don't blame yourself for not saying no. We can't forget that abuse happens in context. Abusers create a context that makes their behavior seem all right. Also, all kids want their parents' acceptance, and we feel intuitively that if we fight them on anything, we'll be rejected.

Personally, I don't believe your father would have stopped if you'd have asked him to. (Just for reference, I would yell at my mother to stop many times, and she'd only laugh at me.) I suspect he would have pointed out that he wasn't doing anything wrong, just giving you a back rub or touched your genitals by mistake or whatever. It sounds like he was gradually building up to greater and greater violations, which shows determination to get what he wanted.

Like others, I strongly recommend you see a counselor. See if there are counseling services of some kind at your school. Since you're officially an adult, they'd keep everything confidential. Another option is to check the phone book or Internet for a family counseling center where you live. Maybe there's a teen counseling center that you can call and ask where you, as an adult, can get counseling. Again, they'll keep everything confidential.

Personally, I'm most worried about the fact that you still live at home. Molesters have a hard time stopping their behavior, particularly when it's covert (believe me, I know!). I don't want to cause you more anxiety than you're already experiencing, but I feel I need to at least suggest that you seriously consider finding somewhere else to live as soon as possible.

It doesn't matter how many nice things your father has done for you. His behavior is hurtful and wrong. He's a molester and molesters can't be trusted. It's not about what you do because the victim doesn't trigger sexual abuse. It entirely has to do with what's going on in his mind, which you can't predict or control. Please find a safer place to live as soon as possible. That's the only way to be certain that it doesn't happen again.